Reflections......So many thoughts running through my head at one time. Friends....how many of us have them? I am blessed that I have a friend that I can tell anything to at anytime of the day. I know your mate is supposed to be like your best friend but hell, who are you going to vent about them to? That's where my best friend comes in. Its strange...We've never met in person but I know I can trust her with my thoughts. That in itself is deep. I haven't met too many people in my lifetime that I actually trusted like I trust her. If we don't talk to each other for 2 weeks....Its cool because we both know that we have periods of time where we don't want to talk to anybody. True friendship is rare and I thank the most high I've experienced it. Artiste, you are my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thank you for being here for me. Next...self love. I think about it all the time....How many people really, truly, love themselves. I cant raise my hand. Sometimes, my actions don't reflect self love. I do soooo many things to effect my mental as well as my physical. If you love yourself, you don't do things to harm yourself. Knowing the dangers of smoking and you still smoke, you are intentionally harming yourself so does that reflect self love? If you give your body food that you know isn't good for you.....Do you really love yourself? I don't reflect self love in the least. After I got out of the shower, I stood in front of the HUGE mirror in front of the sink and came to a revelation.....I've been so busy loving other people that I forgot to love myself. I stared at myself for about 15 minutes....the dark circles around my eyes that I try so hard to cover up...I've bought bleaching cream to try to make them fade but of course they are still here. A doctor told me they come from my allergies. Why haven't I accepted them...looked at them as if they are just a part of me? My lips that for a long time I thought were too full. Lips that have been appreciated by may but not by me. The lips I bite when I'm thinking. I smiled at myself and saw the slight gap between my front teeth....and I wondered why I don't smile more than I do? Maybe because I think I need braces. I moved down to the girls....as big as they are they should be called the 2 grown womyn. I'm the only one in my immediate family that isn't bottom heavy. I'm top heavy with thick thighs and a lil booty. My tummy that I absolutely despise....its funny how I couldn't even stare at it for a minute before I got tears in my eyes. I remember when it was damn near flat and I screamed when I saw my first stretch mark on it. Now, its covered. I feel uncomfortable being naked around anybody. Before it got big, something happened to me that I rarely talk about and probably wont write about. Maybe its still here due to the fact that I haven't gotten over that incident. Maybe once I let it go...it will leave. From there I looked at my thighs which I think are too damn flabby right now but they are still sexy as hell...Down to my feet that are busted and in need of a pedicure ASAP. For as long as I can remember, I haven't liked the way I looked. There was always a complaint...nothing ever positive came outta my mouth regarding my appearance. I'm 25 years young and things haven't changed. I'm my worst critic and since everything starts in your mind...I tend to get my mind right. I plan to first, get my mind right....start dealing with issues that I have been afraid to deal with. I plan to be on this earth for a long time...I cant have my fears, stress, past issues effect my mind which in turn, will effect my body. I'm ready to live my life and finally fall in love with me. In a minute....peace and overstanding....prolific out.

the real black sheep.....i wonder how much of my thoughts i can type before its time for me to go back to work. right now i feel.....lonely. i only feel that way occasionally because as everybody already knows, i enjoy my own company more than anybody elses. maybe its because today, im more irritable than usual i feel like being babied a little bit. im at the complaint desk at work today so that automatically puts me in a piss poor mood. i have heard so much dumb ish today that i just want to go somewhere and DRINK. liquor would be nice but unfortunately i dont have any. when i go home i want to eat my sandwich from sheetz, take a bubble bath, and be easy until i calm down. i dont know whats bothering me so much....whats making me so damn angry....all i know is, im ready to scream at the top of my lungs. my brother's girlfriend is on medication now because she is officially bi-polar. i laughed at first but then i thought...damn, could i have some chemical imbalance that makes me wanna cuss everybody who either invades my personal space or says something stupid?? mental illness is one of my fears. everybody jokes about being crazy as hell but gets a little shook when it could be true. i dont ever want to have to take a pill to keep me from spazzin out. i dont want to be dependent on anything to maintain my sanity. hell, i dont want to be dependent on anything at all. ok...my time is up. in a minute...peace and sanity....prolific out.

swiftly....this has been a long week, praise the most high....today is finally friday. im off this weekend and after a head busting headache, being on medication for my sinuses that makes me dizzy, dealing with inane people at work....i need a break. i plan to make this weekend GRAND. i am going shopping, getting my toes done, experimenting with my hair (im tired of this fro yall), and getting some well deserved rest. so if you call and i dont answer, dont be mad....im doing me. next...i realized this week that my life could be soooo much worse than what it is. i could be an unemployed mother with bad heathen kids, broke all the friggin time, have a chemical imbalance that makes me spaz out in 1.8 milliseconds, have an incurable disease called ignorance....but im not. my life isnt so damn bad. i have a good job...living comfortably....sane when im not at work....physically and mentally disease free, no kids, and im smarter than your average chic. how ya luh dat? *blowin kisses at myself, catching them, and putting them on my face*. aight, thats enough. in a minute...peace and love....prolific.

white turns to gray 2.....random thoughts......she makes me FEEL...makes me feel human...free to giggle..free to be freaky (lmao)...free to expose the scars left from this life ive lived...she is adamant...determined....she WILL be the soothing cure for scars left from past loves and there will no longer be me but us. she will be my liberation...my escape from this emotinal tomb i exist in....she will be more than some ol fake ass blackplanet wife after 2 weeks shit...more than some chic that fucked me with no emotion, no passion, no love, leaving me with nothing a heart devoid of emotion, mental frustration,and an unsatisfied cooch. nah, she wants to be above average, superior, the queen of my heart...the conqueror of my insensitivity and brashness...she wants to convert me into a believer of love. she makes me angry i never appreciated the art of kissing...my lips only used for forming words and orgasms...she makes me angry my hands dont reach miles away, i ache to feel her skin...i want to inhale that bittersweet scent of her arousal...i want her hips to whine on my face like im her jamaican tune and my tongue will lead to her redemption...her freedom from woes this life she lives weighs upon her...she makes me angry that my heart has boundaries built by years of sadness....its not easy lovin me...but its even harder for me to open my heart to love. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

Capricorn

It could be that a mental war is brewing in your world today, dear Capricorn. There is an extremely active part of your psyche that needs to be heard. Feel free to say your piece openly and honestly.



this might be a long post because i have a lot on my mind. i was looking forward to my weekend off. well, my father came down here after i told me that i didnt feel like being bothered. to make the long story short, he came down here and he and my mother got into an argument....the last thing i wanted to see. there are so many negative emotions between the two that i knew it was bound to happen. i looked at him sitting on my couch and thought about the times when i was hungry or when i didnt get a damn thing for christmas or when the men that i trusted physically abused me.....he was somewhere laid up. now, he wants to move here and "right his wrongs". the wrongs cant be righted in this lifetime. it would take more than just a couple of visits, calling me occasionally, and popping up when you werent invited to make things right. i sit in front of him and i dont know what to say...what can i talk to this man about? im closer to my mother's boyfriend than i am to my own father. now, dont get it fucked up, i love my father but its a weird type love....like, i love him but i dont like him. he has done soooo much stuff over the years that im really surprised that i can talk to him without getting angry now. ive made a lot of progress but not so much progress that im cool with him poppin up whenever he feels like it or he can just move here and we could have the perfect father-daughter relationship. thats not going to happen.
i went to the doctor yesterday and everything that is wrong with the world is due to my weight. the united states cant find weapons of mass destruction...due to my weight. i cant sleep...due to my weight. it has rained all day....due to my weight. ya get the point now? im just sick of this whole weight issue. ive always had a problem with my weight...every since i was young. ive always been chubby. now that im trying to eat right, nothing is happening. its like im eating 9489283 cheeseburgers a day when really im eating salads and fruit with taco bell once a week. i want to slim down to about 175 pounds. i know i didnt gain this weight over night so its not going to go away but dammit, can i at least see a little bit of progress? i want to start working out again but in order to do that, id have to go to work earlier. thats not a big deal except im not looking forward to working out in front of a bunch of cocky police officers. *sigh* the doctor told me that i need to start working out. now, i dont mind working out but i do mind being tired all of the time. how in the hell can i work out when im tired all of the time??? its like no matter what time i lay down, i go to sleep when my body is ready, not when im tired, if that makes sense. i go to bed between 230-430 every morning and then i wake up about 4 times before i get up. the things the doctor told me, i could have read on webmd or something. im starting to believe that healthcare is a fuggin joke around here. the doctor did take some blood so it could be tested for diabetes and a thyroid problem. im thinking positive about it tho.....i know what i have to do to prevent diabetes, its just a matter of doing it. all i know is, i have the poorest self-image of anyone i know and that is sooooo NOT hot fiyah. i got a lot of work to do. in a minute....peace and love....prolific.

do you......today started off for a lack of better words, eff’ed up. my mother had to go to the doctor because her eye has looked like someone hit her in it for the past week. i had to convince her to go because she hates going to doctors. hell, i do too but if my eye was swollen like hers, i would have been at the hospital yesterday. so, while she went to the doctor i had to babysit the child that she keeps during the day. now keep in mind that i’m usually good with kids…adults are usually the ones who piss me off. not this child. she cries all the time, even when nothing is wrong with her. after you feed her, she pukes not only from her mouth, but her nose too and that’s after every feeding. her mother holds her constantly and so when she comes to our house, she wants to be held. well, sorry to be the meanypants but uhh…..im not holding her all day. she better chill in the vibrating baby chair or the swing for a while. anyway, she cried from the moment my mother left until she came back. to top it off, she had a diarrhea diaper too. now, anybody that knows me knows i cant stand poo. i can barely stand to look at my own. i changed her diaper and washed her because she had poo going up her back. it was disgusting. i’m proud of my accomplishment….i can now change a shitty diaper without puking. i’m not going to front, i gagged a lil bit but no puke. i need to get a little more patience before i have my own child. i have a year to work on it because in 2007, i will be getting prego before my ovaries look like raisins and my hair turns gray. i don’t want to be 35 years old trying to get pregnant. that’s too damn old for me. at 35, i don’t want to chase a toddler around. fugga that. next…..i’ve been hella irritable today. maybe its because i didn’t get to sleep until 11 like i usually do. people keep plucking my nerves and campaigning for a verbal lashing. i’m tired of not being able to do what i want and i refuse to believe that i cant. that mess applies to every one else. i refuse to have a work then home routine. i refuse to be boring. i refuse to just exist. in the words of matt white…..”i do what i want to do…you do what you can.” i wont stop until i get what i want. in a minute…..peace and freelance....the artist now known as prolific....out.

spirits.....its been a long time, almost a month since i have written here. i have been busy trying to make since out of my life and trying my hardest to enjoy the small amount of free time that i have. there is never enough time to do what i want to do because my life is filled with things that i dont want to do but i have to do....dishes, work, laundry, etc. i guess thats life unless you are born rich and dont have to work for a living. i would love to go shopping all day and have time to take knitting classes and go to culinary school but bills have to be paid. having an assistant would be good...then maybe instead of doing my laundry or worrying about cleaning my room, i could focus on my businesses. anyway, i havent written in a while mainly because i have been LIVING. not to say that i wasnt living before but recently ive been going out and doing things. ive been stepping out of my batcave better know as my room and i have been enjoying myself. i dont even know where to begin. me and miss dubb have been going to a bar almost every week for the past month. ive realized that my tolerance for alcohol is higher than i thought. the night i drank a cosmopolitan and a bahama mama i was standing on the line between tipsy and drunk. i try to drink something different every time but miss dubb always has to have her strawberry punk drink....lmao. tastes like frozen strawberry koolaid with whipped cream on top if ya ask me. ive learned that bartenders can be some ol shammin mofos. i ordered a long beach iced tea which is supposed to have the same amount of liquor as a long island iced tea but it has cranberry juice instead of cola. there is even a 2 drink maximum with it. that drink did absolutely nothing. that night was just a bad night tho....my sandwich wasnt right, the drinks sucked, dubb's girlfriend called her actin like i want dubb *sidenote...steppin to the mic* chics need a life, seriously. i dont want ya girl....we are just FRIENDS. 2 chics can be friends and not fuck. im not attracted to her like that...she is like my brova yo and unlike most females that you know, i have morals. i dont fuck just anyone and i DONT fuck my friends. commitment is a prerequisite of cream's panties droppin 400(sorry kiddies, no freshman courses offered ova here....upperclassmen only). if you have to worry about her strayin, maybe you have some insecurity issues you need to deal with. *droppin the mic* aayyyye dubb....i had that clip of the dog from family guy dancing a long time ago. it makes me think about us in the grocery store now...lmaoooo. next....ive realized that as social as i have been lately, im still anti-social. i dont want to talk half of the time. if i could go all day on mute, i would. my job requires that i talk to people and my fam wants to talk to me constantly so thats not an option. maybe one day. time for me to go back to the ol' j-o-b....peace and bahama mamas....the artist formally known as cream...out.

not again......its been a while, i know. i felt this sudden urge to write and here i am. ive had a fever averaging 103 degrees for the past 2 days. working for the police department hasnt been good for my health. this is the 3rd time ive been sick since christmas. people keep telling me to get a flu shot next year but im entirely too paranoid to get one. i dont know what they are injecting into my system. might be something that could potentially harm me in the long run. i look at it this way, my mother gets one every year and she still gets sick so what does that say about a friggin flu shot? im tired of blowing my nose, coughing like im about to vomit my left lung at any given moment, and these damn body aches and chills that feel like ive been doing 5011 hours of strength training in antartica. if i knew the person that gave me these horrible germs, i would shank them repeatedly with a rusty butterknife.

exactly a week ago, my womyn would make a mistake that has tainted our relationship. she didnt cheat but she disrespected me and our relationship. a week later, im still a lil pissed about the whole situation, im not going to front. i almost said eff it and broke up with her. now, in prior relationships, i would have been upset but never considered ending it. ive grown a bit wiser....especially after being in a relationship with a womyn that i was not happy with AT ALL. i dealt with all her bullshit because i loved her. well ladies and gentlemen, there is a thin line between love and stupidity. my name is prolific and i am a former habitual line stepper. neva again. its takes more than love to keep a relationship together. anyway, my womyn is definitely on probation. everything aint "all good" like it was before her fuck up. i forgive but i dont forget. keep one eye open when you sleep homie.

this coughing is getting on my last good nerve. i got up at 3 am, choking. i got up, walked to the kitchen, took a gulp of absolut and went back to sleep. if you dont have cough syrup, take a swig of liquor. it will clear up any congestion and you'll sleep like a baby. ok....time for anotha swig. in a minute......

inspired by a blog i read***

am i less conscious because......

* i work for "the man"

* i did not attend or desire to attend a hbcu

* my perfume collection consists of more than patchouli, egyptian musk, and nag champa oils

* nothing in my wardrobe comes from a thrift store

* i think some poets are so stuck on being "deep" that their content sucks monkey's scrotum

* id rather eat chitlins smothered in hot sauce than tofu

* i listen to project pat more than miles davis (im a big coltrane fan tho)

* i think the revolution wont be televised.....and the way things are going now, it probably wont happen

* i am a lesbian therefore ruining the "black family"

* sometimes......id rather eat pussy than talk about politics

* i call women bitches....i dont mean it in a bad way unless there is an adjective in front of it

* i believe real hip hop is on life support

*i think bacon egg and cheese biscuits are hot fire

*i dont wear headwraps

*i dig designer labels

* i think toni morrison is overrated

* i like to look at half naked women in a not so artistic way (strippers)

* i usually greet people with "sup" instead of "peace"

*i dont have to find a "deep" meaning in every friggin thing



hmmm.....am i?

part 2 comin soon...........

CAPRICORN WOMAN

A tall slim, cool and quiet woman. Once she is mad she can be very fierce. She can work better than some men and she is very high confident woman. In her opinion, a woman is not just a flower or decoration at home or at an office and certainly not a weak sex who needs protection.

She likes to control and hide her weak emotions. She will never try to change anyone, but she will learn to accept them as they are. If
she does not like someone, she will not comment or criticize but she will completely ignore that person.

She hates plastic and artificial flowers because they make her feel that you are not being sincere. She loves real flowers and the scent. She loves a guy who wears after shave cologne. If you are a type of a guy who wears your Jeans one month before washing, or wear an old sneaker, then you can forget about her.

She loves music and nature even there is a rare case otherwise. She loves to go picnic in nature, so if you don't have so much time for her, you can take her fishing too.

She is not as jealous as Aquarius or Leo woman, but do not cross the line O.K. Better not to see her getting mad, especially in public when she feels like loosing face. She loves to make up and dress perfectly and very neat, so never rush her for this matter.

She has her own
goal in life and does not care if you have a doctorate degree or not, if she thinks you are not bright then she will not care about you at all. She likes smart people by character not by certificate shown. If you cannot show her this quality, go and take a bus and go to the next stop.

She does not like a dreamer who talks about his dream but never put his hands in action to make it happen. Don't bother to tell her "everyone is doing it, you should do it too", or "I think you should do it, it's good for you", because she will do what she wants to do only.

She is a neat and tidy person, so if your apartment is a pigsty , do not take her there. If you go out on a date with her , try to be presentable such as nice and clean dress, clean nails or else it will be your last date.

She is a cool type and will not nag, so easy on your ears. She is a slow but sure type. She
will always respect and honor you and will never try to make you loose your face. If she loves you, she will help you in anything you do.

She likes to help people and expect nothing in return. If she asks you for a favor and does not get one, she will feel very disappointed. She has high hopes and a high faith and believes in her own self than believing in "Luck".

If she is your wife, you will have nice and clean home and a gourmet cooking. If your parents visit your house, they will be pleased. She is a 3 in 1 means , a perfect mother, a perfect housewife, a perfect wife or you could say "happily ever after".

THE 10 LAYERS:

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE.
name: prolific
birthdate: 1/15
birthplace: D.C.
Current location: V.A.
eye color: Brown
hair color: Reddish brown
righty or lefty: Righty
zodiac sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE.
-your heritage:
-what shoes did you wear today: None yet.
-your fears: Failure, Horses, Bees
-your perfect pizza: A Sicilian Meat Lovers, light sauce, with extra cheese

-goal you'd like to achieve in life: Happiness and financial comfort.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
-your most overused phrase: How bout no.
-first thought waking up: What do I have to do today?
-your best physical feature: My lips....I hear they are rather sexy. My eyes are second tho....I got sleepy light brown eyes.

-your bedtime: Whenever I decide to chill with Deacon Sheets and Pastor Pillows.
-your most missed memory: INNOCENCE.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK.
-pepsi or coke: Pepsi
-mcdonald's or burger king: McDonalds....that dolla menu is my friend.
-single or group dates: single
-adidas or nike: damn...that's a difficult one <-- i agree
-lipton tea or nestea: lipton
-chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
-smoke: Nopers
-curse: Like a sailor.
-take a shower: Love 'em.
-have a crush(es): Nope.
-think you've been in love: I know I have.
-like(d) high school: Not really.
-want to get married: Yes and no.
-believe in yourself: Yep.
-get motion sickness: Yep.
-think you're a health freak: Nope.
get along with your parents: For the most part.
-like thunderstorms: Yeah, even tho I'm scared of lightning.


LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH.
-drank alcohol: Yep.
-gone to the mall: Yep.
-been on stage: Nope.
-eaten sushi: Yep, 2 days ago.
-been dumped: Nope.
-gone skinny dipping: Nope.
-dyed your hair: Nope.

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER.
-played a game that required removal of clothing: Yep.
-gotten beaten up: Nope.
-changed who you were to fit in: Nah.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER.
-age you hope to be married: *silence*
how do you want to die: Old as hell, happy, surrounded by family, and in my sleep.

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY.
-best eye color: A real, non contact lens-induced one.
-best hair color: Doesn't matter, as long as it's within reason.
-height: Doesn't matter.

-best first date location: Somewhere nice. *shrugs* I don't really care.
-articles of clothing: Ones that fit properly.

LAYER TEN: YOUR NUMBERS.
-number of people you trust: Hmmmm....3.
-number of cd's i own: Too damn many.
-number of piercings: 3
-number of tattoos: 2.
-number of times been on tv: None.
-number of times in the newspaper: 3.
-number of scars on my body: Too many to count.
-number of things in my past that i regret: None, really.

in time......It’s raining outside and I wanted to say…rather I need to write a whole lot and quite frankly, I can not write as fast as the words come to my mind but I’m going to try. Today I had an epiphany….something slapped me in my face so hard my head still hurts. I’m still looking for beauty in myself. I’ve been looking at myself, highlighting the negative and downplaying the positive for so damn long. After 3 emotionally draining relationships with people that damn near sucked every ounce of self esteem and energy I had, I’m just beginning to regain my love for self. It blows my mind that I’m 25 years young and I have let this self hatred go on for so long. If you asked me a couple of years ago if I loved myself, I would have given you the “What the hell you think?” look and said “Damn right I love myself” Now I realize the love I claimed to have for myself was nothing but bullshit. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in those toxic relationships with people that didn’t have good intentions or my best interest in mind. You live and you learn, I guess. Now that I’ve recognized the issue, I’m working on it. The prerequisite of achieving my goals is loving myself totally. I know I will always have flaws, everyone does, but the difference between now and then is I will see those flaws as beauty, not as something to be ashamed of or something I focus negatively on. Everyday I walk closer and closer to self love. I know it won’t happen overnight…like my grand father used to say “Everything in its time.” I know that I’m loved but it does not mean shit if I don’t feel that way about myself.

Work has been really frustrating lately. My supervisor is not supervisor material at all. She barely knows what she is talking about. I think they gave her a supervisor position on the strength of her working there for 18 years, not because she was a “leader”. For my workplace to be a police department, it is one of the most unorganized places I have ever worked. If people knew how things worked behind the scenes, they would be appalled. I’m officially taking police reports and I must say that it is the most tedious thing I have ever done in my life. People think that the police department can work miracles. A man called me and asked if he could press charges on the people that come up to him and ask him for a cigarette when he is smoking on his porch. *sigh* He also wanted an officer dispatched to his house because of that. Now, there are robberies, murders, burglaries…all kinds of crimes going on and this man wants a police officer for people asking him for a cigarette. It took every ounce of will I had in my body to tell him politely that if he did not want people asking him for cigarettes, to find an alternative place to smoke and I could not dispatch a police officer out to his home if there was not a crime committed. Then a woman called and asked how many car seats can she have in the front seat. *screamin at this point* Moving on….I’m still thinking about applying for the 911 dispatcher position. I want to work at the police station for a couple of months before I transfer out. That would look better on my resume in my opinion. I’ve started writing again, as you can probably see. Its rusty but its slowly coming back. I carry a notebook where ever I go because for some reason, words come to me when I’m in the car on the way to work or while I’m taking my dogs out. At times, my pen cant move fast enough so I forget what I was writing. Instead of throwing unfinished stuff away, I’m keeping them. Never know if or when the words will come back. I’m just grateful that they are dancing in my head again. In a minute…..

happy 25th birthday to meeeeeeeee!!!!!!

my womyn was here last week. one morning, i got up before she did. i sat up and admired her. she looks like a kid when she sleeps.....like a little indian girl.....copper toned with dark, curly hair, and the longest black eyelashes....she looks like bambi when she blinks. her smile will light up any room...the type of smile that will make your day better even when it has been shitty. lmao....when she sleeps, she snores and i can still see the dimple in her right cheek. when i call her name...even when she is sleep...she smiles. i appreciate her, even tho she gets on my damn nerves sometimes. i know she loves me....there is no doubt in my mind. all the shit she puts up with....my moods and my chronic asshole-ism...it has to be love. the little things she does shows me that our relationship, our love for each other...is so much more than the shit im used to. in the past, i have had some simple ass relationships....never 50/50.....always 75/25, if that. im the type of womyn that if i love you...if i care about you, i show it. i live and love in verbs. fuck words. ill cook sunday dinners for you everyday, wash your clothes...even wash ya ass if you are hurt or tired as hell, rub your feet.....anything to show how much i love you and appreciate your presence in my life. needless to say, i showed some smelly bitches some beautiful shit but ive only been shown bullshit. i decided that i was gonna fall back a little bit in my next relationship to see what would happen. i havent been disappointed. i had to work this week so she had to stay here with my fam while i was at work. she washed my clothes, cleaned my room, fixed me lunch and dinner.....*sigh* she was my lil housewife for a couple of days. i can be a real meany pants sometimes. anyway, we have been through so much in the past 2 weeks....this trip was needed. when she left, i got teary eyed as always but im getting used to seeing her go. most high willing, ill see her next month.

i had this weekend off and i got not a gatdamn thing accomplished. well, yes i did. i washed my linen and got my sleep caught up. being with my womyn for 4 days made me lose sleep....hehe. that was my first weekend off in 3 weeks. damn shame. i finally get paid on wednesday but i know my check is gonna be gone. bills bills bills. mayn, i really dont want to go to work but i dont want to be here either. i want to be some where i can feel a warm breeze and sip a glass of shiraz. im planning a vacation sometime in march. im going to start saving now......even if we dont go anywhere but west va or charlotte....as long as me and my womyn are together, alone, i dont care. hell, we could go down the fuggin street to a hotel, just to be alone with her and not have to work would be cool with me. *sigh* finna go to work. peace and livin in verbs.....cream out

silent night......not quite. im laying on my floor, in the dark, with bilal blastin through my headphones. that negro needs to make a new album ASAP. my christmas was cool even tho i had to work AND i have a damn cold. i dont know who i got it from but if i could hunt down that evil, germ infested, person and make them drink all this nasty nyquil that i have been downing for the past 3 days and then blow all my snot on them, i would. yeah yeah, that was nasty as hell but for real, this cold thing is no joke. i hate being sick. i dont like taking medicine and i damn sure dont like blowing my nose, coughing or both every 5 minutes. hopefully, this mess will go away swiftly. what did i get for christmas? *insert evil laugh here* i got a new computer, 2 night gowns, a $50 gift certificate, and 2 candles. i think thats it. my room is such a mess that i dont know whats what. it would be so nice to take a candlelit bubble bath and sip merlot while listening to some jazz. unfortunately, that cant happen. at least, not right now. id probably fall asleep in the tub...which would probably be a good thing since i got woke up at the butt crack of dawn by my niece's screams because santa claus brought her annabelle. this annabelle doll blinks, makes noises, and all kinds of other crap. they didnt have dolls like that when i was younger...times change yo. she got mad stuff for christmas...enough toys and clothes for 3 children. she deserves it tho. dora wasnt here which sucked monkey's nuts. i miss her all the time but especially today. it felt so fucked up not to exchange gifts with her today. i couldnt see the excitement on her face when she finally saw what i got her for christmas. it would have been nice to lay up in the ned with her and just chill. i need her kisses right about now cuz in all honestly, im lonely. i have a new job...the job wanted....im living aight....im surrounded by my fam and a few friends....but im still lonely. im still anti-social even tho i have made it a point to be somewhat social at least once this month. ive yet to meet someone new that i click with on a friendship level since ive been home. hell, what did i expect? there wasnt anybody i associated with before i left so what makes things different now? *sigh* i definitely need to get my license so i can go some where that has poetry cafes, jazz concerts, museums.....anything but here. i wanna be far away from here...far away from....loneliness. my eyes are heavy....i better catch sleep while i can. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm......if nothing is holding me back from living my dreams but me......why am i standing still? i am submerged in love for her.....but im still afraid of letting my guard down. its fucked up how things that happened or that were said 10-15 years ago, still cross my mind. choose your words carefully....once they are spoken, they cant be taken back. you never know how your words will effect someone. the words of those closest to you hurt the worst. sometimes, i wish that i never went to school.....maybe i wouldnt expect so much. ignorance is bliss huh? i refuse to get up at 4 am to shop for christmas stuff with a bunch of crazy people when i have to go to work at 8 am. fuck those sales....dammit ima be sleep. i want to go to sleep but there is a lot on my mind. its funny how i thought writing would clear my mind......guess not.

fast lane.......its a sunny saturday afternoon and for once, i have the day off from work. PLUS, i officially have high speed. new layout in the works ladies and gents. it feels so good to be able to click on something and it comes right up instead of that old crappy, slow as honey down a big booty, dial up. i had to pay a deposit, had to argue for a couple of months but gatdammit, i finally have what i want and its alllll mine. its been a while since i updated...basically because i work 10 hour days and by the time i get home, talk to dora, eat dinner, and wash my ass.....its time to go nite nite. now that i have high speed, i think ill update more. fast internet=temporary happiness. next step, a new damn computer. this thing out dated....im ready to move on to something bigger and better. everything in its time tho. hmmm...lets see....i still strongly dislike my job but im still there. bills dont care if im happy or not. they still have to be paid. ive been applying other places tho. again i say, everything in its time. ive written a lot in my notebook recently...i might post some of the stuff ive written when i finish the new layout. i have to keep writing regardless of whats going on in my life. im still going through writer's block with my poetry tho. nothing seems to come to me when i have a pen in my hand but the minute im on my way home from work or if im in the shower, the words start dancing in my head. anybody that knows me knows that my memory and my attention span are short as hell. anyway....new layout comin soon. in a minute....peace and high speed.....cream out.

a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.

unplugged......this alicia keys unplugged cd combined with jill scott's book of poetry has inspired me to write despite the fact that im tired from working all day. dora sent me a package today.....to my surprise. i bet she was about to burst because she didnt tell me until today. we're not good at secrets. we both hate surprises. anyway, she sent me a bag of blow pops (my favorite), the jill scott book, and the alicia keys unplugged bootleg. before yall get ya draws in a bunch about the bootleg....i bought the cd but i wanted to rip it and put it on my ipod and guess wha....it wont allow me to. well, it will but it sounds like it skips so im guessing thats the cd protection thingy. i hate that shit...if i buy the damn cd, i should be able to put it on my ipod or burn a copy to play in the car. *sigh* last night, i showed her what i got her for christmas so far on webcam. im tempted to mail her the coat that i bought her because its getting cold and i know she needs it. hopefully, she will get up here soon and i can spend some time with her. its been over a month since we've seen each other and i would be lying if i said i dont miss her. i sleep easier when she is here. like i said before, im more at peace when she is here.....my life doesnt suck so much when she is here. dating status changes....so called friends changes. sad but true. i thought that a certain person was my friend come to find out....what i thought was friendship was bullshit. that seems to be the story of my social life. im not going to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch but i will say this.....once you have lost my friendship, once you are deemed uncool, there is no coming back. it seems like when i told people that were my so called friends about my relationship, that was the end of our alleged friendship. sad situation. oh well. the job search continues. im neva comfortable. the business is still in the works....i cant wait to get started. aight....thats enough for now. im about to light my sandalwood candle and listen to ms. keys. in minute.....peace and heartburn (the good kind).....cream out.

untitled #81820291this migraine thing is back. i definitely need to get this ish checked. it feels like a million lil oompa loompas are trapped inside my head and they all gathered at my forehead, right above my eyes.....and they are doing the a-town stomp, trying to escape. i need health insurance, ASAP. next...i refuse to write about my job. i think i have expressed how much i hate it over and over again so like i said, im not going to mention it. i will say....i feel like the real me is trapped inside this 9-6 working, business suit wearin, prim and proper imposter...posing as me enjoying my life. when im able to rid myself of her and strip down to my soul and finally breathe, ill be good. never said ill be happy because happiness and contentment are joined like siamese twins and ill never be content....at least not as long as im still conscious. my life isnt so bad, hell it could be worse. im just a lil pissy cuz im not living out my dreams. i wonder how many people do live what they dream. moving on, hollywood pink is that crack. i finally found an avon lady. that chic doesnt know that she is going to make a lot of money offa me.....i love hollywood pink. it smells so damn girly and sweet like chocolate kisses and rose petals against freshly showered skin. *sigh* i cant wait for dora to come back so she can smell me...cuz my perfume smells like her. everytime i spray it, i think about her. wonder if she know how much i miss her....i doubt it because i tend to be a mean ass. im distant at times and i try to keep focused on other things but when other things in my life arent going right, i dont want to focus on them so i turn my attention to missin her. when she is here, i tend to laugh a lot more. my stress level is almost nonexistant...almost because i always think about the fact that she has to go home. everything feels different when she is here. i dont think ill ever overstand this love thing. all i know is, its a nice experience and im glad im sharing it with her. aight ladies and gents....this migraine is officially kickin my ass. im off to bed. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.