ventin....#6,000,000....i am sittin here with tears in my eyes. there is so much i need to get out....whatever sanity i had left is officially gone. early this morning, i got so angry....so angry, my hands were shaking. i have never felt that way before in my life. i have been holding so much in for so damn long....tolerating shit that i shouldnt be, being quiet, overlooking shit.....i cant take it anymore. the shit is not healthy. I laid in the tub until my skin looked like a damn prune....thought long and hard about everything that i am feeling. i decided to write this....it was inspired by something that Belle did in her last post. i dont mean to hurt anybody's feelings but i am not and i will not apologize for how i feel.

C- I love you, you should already know that. You will never realize how much. Sometimes I feel excessive and taken for granted....like you feel like i am goin to always be here. There are some other things......but i will talk to you about them later. The way I treat you is a direct reflection of how I want to be treated. I am feeling so much right now and I need you to listen to me, not just hear me. Make love a verb and show me how you feel. You already know my past and how things have gone thus far. SHOW ME that you want to be a part of my future.

M- I love you, I always have. I wish you would get your life together and realize that sex isn’t everything and you can survive without being with someone. I don’t understand why you take so much shit in the name of a relationship. You taught me to be stronger than that, why can’t you take your own advice? I wish you would leave that no good man alone and just enjoy your own company rather than the company of someone that is verbally abusive.

L- I hate you because I love you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I wish I could say the same for you. I wish another was in your place so maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. I wish you would come and wipe almost 23 years of anger and pain away. I wish you knew how many nights I cried for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me the last time we talked. I wish a lot of things but wishes are only granted by genies and I have yet to come across one.

B- I know I can talk to about anything and not be judged. Our conversations mean a lot to me. It’s funny how exes can become best friends. I’m going to do everything in my power to help you because I know that if the tables were turned, you would do the same for me.

#4- I thought all the damage you caused was gone. I just realized that I was wrong. You made me feel so many negative things. When we were together, I was a damn mess.....no self esteem whatsoever. I’ve cleaned up a lot of it, but there is still more to be cleaned up. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel the way you did but the fact remains that you did. I wish you would admit it and apologize.

J- Thank you for coming into my life and doing what you did. It was the beginning of my true independence. You made me realize that I am a lot stronger than I thought and I have the strength to leave when shit isn’t right and the strength to be by myself rather than be with someone that doesn’t treat me right.

S- Every time I see you, I think of the times you hit me or choked me or the time you held me down and raped me. You made me feel worse than dog shit and being the naïve chic that I was, I let you do it. You had me feeling like you were doing me some kind of favor because you were with me. I remember every slap, every bruise, every woman you cheated on me with, every fucked up thing you said to me…I remember everything. I have forgiven you but I can not and will not forget everything you put me through. It still affects me, even now.

im goin for a walk.....i need do something......in a minute.....peace....cream out.

veryyyyy brief........warning....this post will be short as hell. reason being....i really dont feel like being online. i only came online to check on a few things and update...thats it. i havent been feelin the internet much these past few weeks.....i think the dial up aol bullshit has a lot to do with it. ok...that bein said....my buddy rashawn hooked me up with the sims hot date again. i havent been able to get away from my comp....if you dont have it, cop it. it is soooo much fun. maybe one day ill put my sims photo album on here. next...i went to walmart with my buddy...ill call her ishanay. anyway....i had fun. met her friend ty....laughed a lot. blah blah blah blah. im doin the same shit i have been doin....im gettin rushed off the comp....gotta make a call (damn dial up). ill holla.......in a minute....cream out.

keep it movin.....last night, i FINALLY conversed with my buddy artiste on the phone. we talked for a longgggg time.....it felt good. we have known each other for almost a year....talked about every damn thing....she even knows some of my business. anyway, it was nice to vent to someone. she keeps tellin me to be nice. for what??? why should i be nice when people arent nice to me? i give you what you give me....if you are nice, i am. if you are an asshole, ima be an even bigger asshole. how i treat you is a direct reflextion of how you treat me. oh, btw.....starting today....im gettin my john deere out. i feel the presence of snakes and rats. im reevaluating all of my relationships. next...my niece has these paci's that light up. she loves it...i hear "auntie...look at the light" 50 times a day...she actually should be gettin rid of it since she is almost 2. she looks so cute yo.....the day that i have a seed will be one of the happiest days of my life, even if it will probably be the most pain i have ever felt. while i was in dc, my uncle asked me if i called my father. of course i hadnt and when i went to tell him why, i had tears in my eyes. no one has ever hurt me like he has and i put this on everything i love, no one ever will. i dont want to talk to him....it will open a set of wounds that have just started to heal. i hope he is aight, where ever he is. next....i had a convo with my friend about trust. like i have said a million times...its hard for me to trust. the key to me trusting someone all boils down to verbs. show me....dont talk about it, be about it. if you show me that you are different than the assholes in my past and you are worthy of being a part of my future....maybe i will trust you. next...i was looking at my sitemeter. thank yall for readin my blog. i didnt know so many people did....surprised the hell out of me. ok...thats enough for now. in a minute.......peace.....cream out.

little girl blue.......today, for the upteenth time.....somebody woke me up early. for what??? for not a damn thing. it is so nice to lay in my own space where i dont have to answer the phone.....in fact...i can take that bitch off the hook if i want to. to top it off.....the person that kept callin wasnt even someone i wanted to talk to or someone that wanted to talk to me. i was soooooo pissed. me and my dog were knocked out and this bama calls 6 times before 11 am. aint that a bitch? next......me and my mother went to feed the ducks by my brother's job today. yo.....im diggin ducks right now. the males are some evil bastids....the females are cool. i fed them bread out of my hand. they shook their tail feathers for me....im dead serious. it was so peaceful yo....i didnt think about anything but those ducks the entire time i was there. lately, i have been real attentive to animals....dont know why. i gave my dog a bath and a pedicure last night. she keeps laying her head me and doing things to show that she appreciates me. im glad that somebody appreciates me.....even if its just my dog. im not goin to go into my feelings of being taken for granted....same shit, different toilet. aint shit changed. next...i cleaned my closet today to. ive been tryin to keep myself busy....it keeps things off of my mind. i found some of my old poetry books and an old journal. they reminded me of how far i have come. i was reading some of my journal entries about the times my ex and i would fight and the bruises i would have afterwards. it was like i was reading someone else's story.....like i said, it reminds me of how far i have come. on the other hand....i read some entries that remind me i am still tolerating the same shit that i was with him. i am almost in the same boat that i was in with him....not the fighting and shit tho. thats anotha can of shit that i dont feel like opening right now. i ripped up the journal and kept my old poetry book. i even found a notebook i had in the 6th grade. i have been writing poetry and short stories since i was in the 3rd grade. wish i had kept all the stuff i wrote. oh well. im finna enjoy the time i have alone in this house. in a minute....peace....cream out.

jah....can you hear me? part 2......i am so tired of roanoke. this place is hell......a bunch of fuckin confusion, pettiness, arguing, fighting.....a bunch of high school he say she say shit. it cant ever be peaceful. never......never have, never will. i cant deal with this shit yo. i left here when i was 18 because of it....thought i could just visit and it would be aight...thought that visiting would let me avoid it.....thought wrong. i dont ever want to come back here. i love my fam but if they want to see me once i graduate, they will have to come to where ever i am living and it damn sho aint gon be here. yall dont understand how much hatred i have in my heart for this one damn place....a place that isnt even on the fuckin map half of the time....a place that only has about 150,000 people.....if hell is on earth...this place is the devil's kitchen. im tired of hearing about drama...tired of seeing it...just plain tired of this place. i praise the most high for opening the door for me to get out of here because i probably wouldnt be alive if i hadnt left. i wish that i could take my niece and raise her somewhere decent. i dont want her to grow up here....around all this bullshit. every night i pray to the most high and ask him/her to protect my family and my friends from harm, negativity, violence, and evil. every night yo. i worry about my fam a lot....all i can do is pray yo. the rest is left to the most high. i wish that this worry and negativity would leave my mind....somebody pray for me. in a minute.....peace...cream out.

shawt but sweet......i really dont feel like writing....im bored tho. aint shit else to do but write. i had fun visiting my fam this weekend...my uncles house is so damn pretty. we cooked out, drank some barcardi, watched final destination 2 (i liked that movie)......just chilled yo. it was nice to get away but at the same time it was a reminder of how much we (my immediate fam) dont have. we's po' country folk in a family of wealthy city folk. my little cousin is so cute....he's 3 and soooo damn short for his age.....i couldnt get enough of his little ass. he kept wantin me to play soccer with him...da kid got tired. next...the rain is fallin hard as hell on the roof....sounds like a plane is hoverin over our house.....maybe i need to make this update quick....i would hate to have lightning strike my shit. i miss my woman.....i miss her like crazy....im cravin her....i hope she knows. october betta hurry up and get here. im finna open my windows and listen to the storm til i fall asleep.....ill holla lata. in a minute....peace......cream out.

arrabbiato.....i feel the same way i felt last friday....lonely. its weird cuz i am lonely but i dont feel like bein bothered. everybody is on some other shit today....some shit that i am not tryin to get in. almost everybody i have talked to today has either irritated me or pissed me off. i am so damn anti-social right now. next....we are goin to see my fam in dc tomorrow...well, lata on....since its officially saturday. maybe this is a well deserved get away...maybe i need sometime away from everybody. if i had a car and some money, id be gone...somewhere to enjoy my own company. quick thought----why does "bitter" by meshell n'degeocello make me cry everytime i hear it? just a question i dont have the answer to. at this very moment....im feelin so many different emotions...all at the same time. i need to find the place where i dont feel used...taken advantage of...or just plain fucked up. i want to feel appreciated, loved, respected....and i dont feel that here. when i was younger, i wanted somebody to love and appreciate me. now that i am older, i know that the most important thing is to love and appreciate yourself. i have also learned that everybody has the need to feel loved and appreciated. home is where you are supposed to feel that and well.....like i said before, i dont have a home. cream is without a home. this is my mother's house....its brought to my attention almost everyday. i need a quiet place, just to give me a peace...of mind. i am ready to shut everybody out....just to keep my sanity cuz i feel it slipping away. my dreams that will soon be reality are what is keepin my head to the sky. miles is playing "basin street blues" and its makin my eyes heavy. im gone to dream the same dream i have dreamed for years......in a minute....peace.....cream out.

peace of mind...2 glowin candles and a spliff.......it’s rained every day since she left. I guess the weather is a direct reflection of my feelings. I don’t cry....I just feel like a part of me is missing. I have been serenaded by Marvin, Curtis, Lenny, Gladys, Billie, Stevie, Celia, Chaka, and Roberta all day. They sing me to sleep...make me dance...keep me going through the day. I have talked to a lot of people in the past 2 days. Yesterday, I went to Walmart and guess who came up behind me and hugged me? My fuckin ex. I elbowed the hell out of him. That’s another reason why I don’t like being here….I really don’t feel like being bothered and every where I go someone seems to want to talk to me. I don’t want to talk….I want to get my shit and do what I got to do. Dammit leave me alone!!! He was tellin me how good I looked....mannn...I didn't need him to tell me that. Bama ass bama. Cream called me today….it was a pleasant surprise. I miss the conversations we used to have. That’s my brother from a different mother. Yesterday, I talked to Dawn too. I always feel good after I talk to her….she has positive energy (she tells me the same thing). We were talking about our futures and she told me “Cream, you are a star…the world just has to find out.” I got all teary eyed. the world is going to find out….its going to take a little time….but it is going to happen and when it does….damn yo.....im anxious. im hungry as hell......i need some food. in a minute...peace....cream out.

blah blah blah.......i wish i was doing something besides nothing. this is the most boring place in the world....to me. its not like nothing is goin on.....there is....its just things are going on that i dont choose to be involved in. its raining....i feel real sluggish. i slept until 11...i was on the phone until 2:30 am...listenin and relating to a friend's issues. it seems like everybody is callin me now....da kid feels loved. im worried about one of my friends.....she probably knows who she is without me sayin her name....ya need to call me yo. we need to talk. im worried about you. next...a friend of mine and i are goin to have a little get together....nothin really big...just 5 people. im all excited. its goin to be nice to be in the company of fam. we have a lot of catchin up to do. next....im goin to see my grandmother this weekend. i hope she doesnt bug me and ask me 50 billion questions cuz i am really not in the mood yo. i love her to death but i just want to chill.....be left alone. im actually a little excited cuz im goin to fix my aunt's comp. there is something about computers....maybe i should have been a computer science major. oh well....too late now. i refuse to start all over. criminal justice is what it is....computer science will come later. when i leave this earth, ill probably have a couple of degrees in addition to my doctorate. da kid loves to learn. yo....i feel the sudden urge to do housework.....im bored as hell. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

alone......well, im home and she's gone. before she left, i cried like i knew i would. nothin could prepare me for the way i felt when i kissed her for the last time for 2 months. i just know i have to stay focused til october 1st. next....home is, home. aint shit changed. i still feel like i dont have a home...this aint mine and its become more and more obvious that its not. this is just the place i was raised and the place my fam lives. nothing more, nothing less. when i move into my own place, its goin to be one of the happiest days of my life. just to know that its mine and i dont have to clean up after anybody else and i dont have to answer the phone or get off the phone or listen to anybody's shit cuz dammit its mine....is goin to be so wonderful. next....da kid has gained weight. i dont gain weight anywhere but my damn gut. i am goin to start doin some things so i can minimize this gut of mine that gets on my nerves....i need a change. next....the whole time i have been home, my dog has been following me around. im beginning to think that she is the only one that appreciates my presence. she looks at me like i am the queen of the universe. thats my baby tho....i luh her ass. next...woo told me that she likes it when i am in a good mood......shit, who doesnt. i just cant be cheery all the damn time....at least not right now. i have so much on my mind.....a lot more than i choose to tell people, so i cant be all peachy all the time. people always say that. yall think about this...have you contributed something to my mind or my spirit to inspire me to smile???? if not....dammit hush. next....this damn dial up thing is gettin on my nerves. dammit, i hate dial up but its goin to have to do for a month. its a part of my struggle. one day i will sit back and laugh at all this.....one day i will have what i need and most of what i want......i kow that day will be soon. btw....thanks for the love in the tagboard and the notes.....yall just dont know how much its appreciated. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

70 days........today is the day i have dreaded for 2 months......we hit the road at 5. i get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving. this has been a learning experience....yall already know that. ive packed my stuff, now all i have to do is wash my hair and get dressed. anyway...(im gettin teary eyed), she is goin to stay with me for a couple of days. im goin to show her everything that i couldnt show her the first time she came to see me. the next time i post....i will be at my mother's house. she called me this morning, all excited.....im excited too in a way but im really not looking forward to the drama and the issues that come with being there. i already know that i am goin to be on the phone with woo all the time......just to keep my sanity. next.....i havent talked to a lot of people in my circle...mainly because i am not online that much. i miss my friends.....i hope they miss me. when i get back to my mother's house.....ill be able to call them FOR FREE. free long distance is a wonderful thing. yo...the clock is tickin...i need to get dressed......peace cream out.

in a minute.......i debated on deleting my last post all night. should i....shouldnt i? well, my conclusion is, im not. as much as i try not to write about me and her....i do. i write whats in my heart and my love for her is there along with a million other things. 3 days til i leave connecticut. i am shook. i have slept in her bed for 2 months. im used to her pulling me close to her while she sleeps and her snoring in my ears. im used to holding her locs when i sleep. im used to rubbing her stomach and giving her insulin. im used to pampering her when she doesnt feel good. im used to being with her. it will be at least 2 and a half months *insha'allah* til i see her again. when she leaves me this time, things will be much different than when she left me march. in march, it was the first time we met in person and it was only a weekend. my feelings for her are much stronger than they were then. we have been through so much. next.....my mother is excited about me comin back. i miss her, but i dont miss home. like i said before, its a toxic place for me. im glad that i will be seeing my brother and my niece. my niece is gettin so damn big. she makes me want to have a baby......not until i am 24 tho. next....im glad that i go back to school in a month. i am goin to hurry up and graduate so i can establish myself.....make my dreams reality. love is callin.......peace cream diga out.

to you aka creams ramblings part trois.......my hands are shakin...i can barely type...i can barely see...my eyes filled with tears. you are downstairs, basically because you dont want to listen. the relationship i had with her is past tense, you of all people should know that. i have told you over and over again about how we were and why we are no more. its over and never will be again. she is the past, you are my present and *insha'allah* my future. if it bothers you, i am willing to step back from the situation. im not sayin i wont be her friend....i just wont talk to her as much as i do. i know if the tables were turned, i would feel the same way. all i ask is that you do the same for me. as far as last night, i answered every question that i heard, i put that on everything i love.....i wasnt iggin you. next....when something is on your mind, let me know. you walkin around not talkin to me doesnt help the situation. how am i supposed to understand if i dont know whats wrong? how can i correct a problem that i dont even know exists? you dont know how much it hurts me when you just walk by me, like im a piece of furniture. like right now, i went to talk to you cuz i knew something was wrong by the way you were acting....i came to you and you wouldnt even look at me. that shit hurt me. it made me feel like i was just a chair or just a lamp. made tears come to my eyes....thats why i walked away. i wont let you see me cry anymore. i just want to be happy with you...like when we first laid eyes on each other. minus all the attitudes and all the bullshit and all the tears. just us, happy. i try my hardest to create a positive space for the both of us to dwell in together. i am givin this my all....everything in me and even some shit that aint. my eyes are burning.....eyes have had enough......peace...cream out.

freewriting.......eyes fixed on the ceiling...watchin the moon...sleep is not here...but you are...coupled but singled....in my soul....comes....this cravin...this need...that envelopes me...makes me need to be closer to you...to feel your heart on my fingertips...hear it whisper my name...and embed it into my mind...your hands slide from my hips to cupping my breasts...i arch my back...my nails rip yours...your tongue moves across my nipples...your kisses make me slightly delusional...i want you...tears fall...my feelins elusive to you...wanting you to ease this persistant pain....this throbbing i have from the core of my soul......to be loved. copyright (c) all rights reserved. peace.....cream out.

unexpressed frustrations.......im not home yet....will be there **insha'allah** on wednesday. im a little excited cuz so much has changed since i last saw my fam..not just with me, with them too. im goin to miss my girl...she gets on my damn nerves sometimes but i am goin to miss her ass. as soon as i get home, im gettin a job so i can save money to do the shit that i really need to do. i need to buy school shit and a train ticket to connecticut for october. i have learned a lot about myself since i have been here. im goin back to va, a different person. next....i havent written a poem in about 3 weeks. i have a severe case of writer's block. its not that i am not inspired...its just when i pick up my pen, it doesnt move. hopefully, it will come back soon cuz i miss writing....startin to feel like a fish out of water. my creativity has been flowing so maybe thats why i havent been writing. i have so many ideas....so much shit that i am goin to do and make and learn.....damn. i know this is a short post.......but i have some shit on my mind that i need to get straight. peace........cream out.

back to me......its been a minute....i find myself not writing in here as often as i used to. at one point, i wrote everyday. i just dont feel the need to write here if nothin is goin on. i get tired of writing the same shit. anyway, this week has been aight. me and woo went shoppin...copped some shoes and and an echo bag. we went to a casino too....i realized that i am not a gambler. when i dont win, i get salty as hell. i had fun watchin her win tho. next.....im lookin forward to working when i get home. i wont have to be around my mother's boyfriend...yay. plus, ther are some things that i want to do and get. im goin to make a list and as i do things, ill cross them out. it will be a link so yall can see. its goin to be kinda long so its goin to take me a minute. next.....i go back to my mother's house on friday. not really looking forward to it. that place is so damn toxic to me. all i plan to do is work, shop, and i might go to the club occasionally. other than that, i dont want to have any interaction with natives. next....me not havin a place to call home has been on my mind a lot lately. i used to try not to think about it but now, i cant help but think about it. its makin me work 100 times harder to establish my own shit. some place where i feel welcome and i dont feel like an outsider. some place that is mine.

hot pearl c……I have so much on my mind…this might be a long post so get a snack and something to sip on. A lot of things have triggered deep thought today. First, my job. Yo, I work for peanuts. I work my ass off and I can’t do anything I need to do with the money I make….its not even putting a dent in my list of needs. Like I said before, I wont have work study next year. I am trying not to be stressed but I cant help but be. I was planning on getting a job anyway but that’s not the point. Now it’s mandatory…I cant survive without one. I know I cant think about what other people have or what they do….cuz its not going to change shit but its just so fucked up that I have no help whatsoever. I have helped soooo many people my whole life and what have I gotten for it? Not a damn thing. I have sacrificed for others and I have not gotten anything out of it. Sometimes not even a thank you. Now where are ya’ll when I need ya’ll? ****Silence**** That’s what I thought. I’ve made it by myself thus far, shit ain’t changing now. Next, I had a conversation with Dawn when I came home from work. She told me something that really stuck with me…..she said “Do what makes you happy. Go where you want to go. Don’t live for someone else….live your life for you. ” Writing is my passion….I live, I breathe…..I even eat words. This criminal justice thing….is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like criminal justice. I just don’t believe that it is my calling. It’s my hustle. My talent is writing. Writing is what I like to do. I am going to work at this writing thing so I can pimp my words. I know that is my gift and I am going to give it my all….it’s time I master my craft. Dawn is my buddy and an inspiration. She’s that little voice of encouragement that I need. Third, my sides have been hurting all day. Every time I breathe, it hurts. I need a bubble bath, a deep tissue massage, and a cup of hot chocolate (yeah, I know its summer but if I turn on the AC you cant tell). I started writing a poem today about myself. It felt weird writing about myself but the shit just flowed. It starts out “I am the result of loneliness and vulnerability”. I was flowing until I had to start making breakfast at work….grrrrrrrr. Tired of being interrupted…my thoughts left unexpressed. Even though I have all this crap on my mind, I am anxious to go back to school. I need to be in an environment where I can flex my mental muscles. Plus, school is where I can truly be free….its my comfort zone. Enough writing for now, I need to go to bed. Peace and passion….cream out.

brand new........i was gettin ready for bed and felt the urge to write. so here i am. like the new layout??? that pic inspired me. marc baptiste is a beast!!!! let me know whatcha think. next....my 4th was aight.....missed my fam a little. yesterday, me and woo had the whole house to ourselves. we actually needed that. i go home in 2 weeks and im really not looking forward to it. i have noticed that i am at my best when i am alone....no fam, no girl, just me. today, i called the financial aid office to discover that i dont have work study next year. in a way, i am upset cuz im goin to miss it but on the other hand maybe its a sign that i need to move on to bigger and better things. i was planning on gettin a job when i got to school, now i know i am going to have to. next....a wave on nonchalance has come over me. im startin not to give a damn about anything unrelated to me. maybe, it will keep me stress free. next....i finally know how to cornrow. taught myself.....watched people for the longest and just tried it. people have tried to teach me....i cant learn that way. i have to do it myself.....without help. stubborn ass cream.....yeah i know. cream is gettin sleepy....ill holla lata. peace and red kool aid........cream out.

comfort zone.......i went to the ny pride parade on sunday. i had soooooo much fun. even met ja rule....*hmmmm*.....anyway, it was nice to be around peeps like me. me and woo walked hand and hand most of the time. it was cool to kiss in public without people staring at us like we were from pluto. i felt hella comfortable. we went to the pier.....mannn, if you have a denver nuggets throwback.....BURN IT. everybody and their momma had one on....and them damn jersey dresses. everybody looked the same. no individuality whatsoeva. chics were half naked....lookin like hookas. i felt like a queen amongst scallywags. i rocked a beige linen shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and some sandals. i rocked my fro too. i dyed my hair blonde the day before so it was bright as hell. me and woo stood out.....*evil laugh* to make the long story short, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. ny is so damn big....i wouldnt live there but i like it. that city will see me again when i make it. next....i have been feelin like everybody is treatin me like a kid.....like im a damn baby. im really hatin it yo. first of all, everybody in my circle knows that i DO NOT like bein told what to do...you can make suggestions, but dont eva tell me what to do. i am a grown ass womyn dammit. i admit, im stubborn and hard headed....love me or leave me the fuck alone. if you dont like me the way i am.....STEP.....simple solution. anyway, they treat me like i dont know what the fuck im doin alllll the time...truth be told, i have only been on this earth for 22 years but dammit i have been through much more than the average 22 year old. i listen to the advice that my elders give me but yo....when i feel like they are treatin me like a child....my ears are closed. i have 1 mother and 1 father....and neither one tells me what to do....they know and respect the fact that i am grown. so i damn sho aint gon let nobody tell me what to do. let me do me yo. next....july 1st, a day of new beginnings, at least for me. some changes are goin to occur...im not tellin what they are....just know that da kid is evolving. the blonde hair is just the beginning. peace and fried chicken wings........cream out.

child's play.....i have tried not to put too much on here about my relationship cuz yall want to read about me....at least i hope so....not about me and woo. plus, its not fair to her cuz yall will only read my side of things while her side never gets to be heard. now, i am makin an exception, cuz this has been on my mind all day. wanna hear it....here it go.....when i decided to commit to woo, i knew that she had children and if i was to accept and love her, i had to do the same to her children. her kids are cool...i had to get used to listenin for little footsteps at 2 am, takin care of a sick baby, not havin a damn thing to yourself...hearin mommy 50 billion times a day.....all that shit that comes with step-parenthood. i had no idea that her having children would affect our relationship as much as it has. its not a good or bad impact.....its a real impact. first of all, she is a single parent.....so there is no help whatsoeva. to make it more difficult, we are a lesbian couple (duh). out of respect for her children, we cant do the things that heterosexual couples do all the time. affection and attention is EXTREMELY....let me emphasize that.....EXTREMELY limited. sex has to be planned....which is NO fun at all. it sucks like a $2 hooka. there are many limitations......but this is what comes with her. i think the most high put me in this situation to learn patience....cuz right now, i have no patience....to put me in a real damn relationship where you have bills...kids...issues...not just sex, goin out, more sex, and all that sweet shit all the time......and to learn tolerance. at this point in my life, i dont think i could do what she does everyday....its like she plays superwoman. i mean, if i had to i would, but yo....id be a lunatic. i respect her a lot for doin what she does. but yo....it gets overwhelming at times for me....there are nights when i get so frustrated that i cry....there are times when i feel neglected....cuz i need some affection and some attention...not sayin that she has to be under me all the time....i need to be held sometimes. i want to be touched....i want my presence to be acknowledged occasionally. everybody needs to know that they are loved and appreciated, ya undadig, and i am one of those people that have to be reminded a bit more than others. i need to know that i matter.....that what i feel and what i do matters. my whole life i have.....sacrificed....gave people my all.....and it was never appreciated. when i am with you...im with you totally....and i am goin to give you my all, but the minute i feel uncomfortable or i feel like what i am doing or feeling is in vain, not appreciated, being noticed, or its one sided....i withdraw my feelings totally. thats just my way of protecting myself. next....i finally get a day off tomorrow. man, i am soooo tired. my feet hurt....i need a damn pedicure....i need a massage....i need rest. i want to chill in the ac, drink a glass of merlot, and just be easy. hopefully....ill get them tomorrow cuz dammit i need them all. well, thats enough for now....i need to shower. this damn heatwave aint no joke. peace and cool breezes....cream baby out.