ragin......i just ate a cherry and my tongue and ears are itching. ok...let me add cherries to the list of things im allergic to. smh. i cant eat apples for the same reason. i know that was random as hell but shat, this is my blog and ill write what i want. next...ive been off from work since last thursday....a forced vacation because the cold from hell attacked me. now that i can finally breathe out of my nose somewhat, ill be back to work on friday. i guess my immune system not fighting off this cold was a message from my body that said "ho sit down". lmao. i needed a break...i needed time to just think and be easy. i still have 3 days of holiday time coming up that i have to take before the end of june so ill have another vacation coming up soon. with all the bullshit that has been going on at work, i deserve it. i wish i had the money to fly to cali for a week. that would be outstanding. since times are hard, all i can do is dream. its a damn shame that a gallon of milk and a gallon of gas costs the same. you gotta decide if you want to eat cereal or drive to work in the morning. i plan on saving a lot more money than i have in the past. my bills are kicking my ass but if i can save by buying margarita mix and a big bottle of cuervo instead of going out to fridays every week, im going to do it. i dont know what im saving for....all i know is i have been living a life of excess and im trying tone it down a lil. i have a friend that is inspiring me sooo much but she probably doesnt even realize it. she was in a deeeeeep funk about 6 months ago. a real deep depression. then, one day she just came out of it. almost like she was in a cocoon for about a year in then she became a butterfly. every day, im trying to live my life. people get so caught up with bullshit that they forget to LIVE. life is so fuckin precious and hell, the next second is not promised. its a constant struggle to LIVE and not just exist. next....i have a sense of humor. a big one, actually. its a little weird...everyone i allow in my space understands it but mostly everybody else doesnt. sometimes i get a lil sensitive. i have certain things i dont joke about......my intelligence, my body, my accent, my family, and my money. everything else is fair game. i think i forgot to let someone know that once i let you in.....once i have allowed u into my space.....your opinion matters to me. a random person walking down the street can call me a fat bitch and i just cuss them out and keep it moving...totally out of my feelings. if a person that i have allowed in my space says anything about my weight...whether its meant to be negative or not...im in my feelings. i might not spazz, but ill definitely say something about it...and it might not be nice. i live in the south, so i have a slight southern accent. ok, i have a thick southern accent if im not really focused on how i pronounce my words. i hate it when people mimic it or think the shit is funny. mainly because people from the south that talk like me are considered uneducated, ignorant, gullible, bamas. just based on the way they talk. i dont speak perfect american english. never have and probably never will. im more intelligent than almost every person i know that doesnt have a southern accent. i defy the "southern people are stupid and gullible" theory every day. whaaaaaaaaaaat. im a big girl....40 pounds past thick. i hear enough shit about my weight everytime i go to a damn doctor or every time i get sick. its always "well, u should lose some weight". kiss my fat ass, how bout that? every day there is someone or something telling me that i am unhealthy and unattractive. maintaining the self esteem i have and accepting my body how it is...is an every day struggle for me. im 5'5" but i wear an 11 in women's shoes and have long fingers. i think i was supposed to be tall but it just didnt happen that way. for the longest time i felt so fuckin awkward about my appearance. felt like i was unattractive and weird looking because i didnt look like other chics. like i said, its an everyday struggle. my family just goes without saying. they may be dysfunctional and crazy but the bottom line is, they are mine. we share the same blood and they are me and i am them. i may be a lil different but hell, when it comes down to it, ill spazz just like them. i can talk about them but i dare someone to say anything negative about them. they are my family so i can talk about them. that being said, choose your words wisely. once you've said something, you cant take it back. next....i picked up my anais nin "henry and june" book from the library this evening. i cant wait to start reading it. im going to try to finish it in a week. we'll see how that goes. aight, i think ive written enough. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

frus-tra-tion.....frustration is a helluva emotion. frustrations about work make me want to use alllllll of my paid leave...go some where new, see new things, meet new people. be new. sexual frustration has me entirely too familiar with my right hand. yesterday, i looked at my yoni for the first time in a long time. usually, i just wash it or stroke it. i never take the time to look at it....really examine it. weird, i know. most women dont know their bodies like that. ive decided to make it a point to know mine. anyway, my yoni didnt look the same for some reason. i guess my opinion of it has changed since the last time i saw it. its been abused...its had unwelcomed entrances...and besides the whole polycystic thing, its healthy. sometimes i sit and wonder if ill ever be completely sexually satisfied. in all honesty, ive never been completely sexually satisfied. ive had orgasms that brought me to tears and have had sexual experiences that would make the average woman blush but i have never been completely satisfied. im 27 years old....basically in my sexual prime. i want to try new things....ive been reading up on s&m heavy. i want to explore my sexuality and experience things ive only read about. ive havent been intimate with anyone since november of 2007. i think im wayyyyy overdue for some sexual gratification. my woman needs to hurry up and come out here. speaking of my woman, she is frustrated too. when i look at her on cam sometimes, she looks like she wishes she could jump through the cam and kiss me. talking on the phone while we are on cam is the closest thing we have ever had to a face to face conversation. this long distance thing gets frustrating at times. i wish she was here right now because i have a cold from hell and i know she would take care of me. buuuut....she is 2000 miles away. next....*sigh* my desktop pc is fucked up. the screen on the monitor looks like it has waves in it. sucks monkey's ass. anyway, a dude on the forum i frequent told me to buy a new video card and install it. praise moses for stimulus checks. came in just the nick of time. i plan to pay some bills with the rest of it. i was off this weekend and pretty much didnt do anything interesting. well, i bought a wig. lmao. yes, a wig. you could say me buying a wig is symbolic in a way. im bored with my hair but i dont want to perm it. a wig is a change thats not permanent...but just enough change to satisfy me for a couple of days. im going through this self image thing again. sometimes i think im the hottest chic in the world and sometimes i feel like crud. in all honesty, i think its the whole hormone imbalance caused by the syndrome shit. i think its time i start taking my birth control again. maybe that would help it but damn i hate taking it because its not like i need it for contraceptive reasons....its because i wont come on my period without it. it makes my boobs feel like somebody river danced on them. going down stairs is nooo joke. it doesnt help that i have to pay $30 every month for them. smh. thats enough for now. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting....voices low, moonlit easy conversations, filled with giggles and confessions of emotions unexperienced prior to her introduction. butterflies dance and tickle my stomach when she confesses her love for me. for me....not what i look like, what i have, what i know, or how much of a freak i am....just...for...me being me. i share memories of loves burned, tear stains, and bruises of the heart when i feel like showing her a piece of my soul. i can tell she has seen the stories i tell every time she looks into my eyes. the brown resembling the earth, that like my heart, has been flooded by disappointment and broken promises. she knits her brow, meets my gaze with strong, focused, eyes and smiles as if she holds the cure to my heart disease. i came to her broken like the levies in new orleans. mentally starved. emotionally depleted. stagnant feelings engulfed me. then came spring...she brought forth new growth and melted the ice the winter had left around my heart. what had taken months or years in the past to form has taken only seven days. touched me 2000 miles away like the sun and awakened the seeds of love and and renewed trust. she loves me with no hesitation or reservations...determination....determined to love me successfully...totally...the way no one has in the past. she loves me like there is no tomorrow because our future is right now. she says when she looks at me, its like watching her first sunrise. she looks at my imperfections as if they were perfect...i say, her love feels like my very first orgasm....slow to come...scary...but unlike anything i have ever felt. scary because despite how she is proving over and over that she is not them....5 heartbreaks have left some scars. slowly...surely...she is healing each one. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.