destiny's child......i sit here...irritated. 1:00 am is not getting here fast enough. i just want quiet. i can do without a glass of wine or incense burning. i just want quiet. usually, on the third day of working a 10 hour shift, my patience gets thin and im so damn tired i dont want to even open my eyes or speak. i welcome the three days off i have coming up. i have to work on christmas eve and christmas day. its not that bad because i get 2 days to use later on....when everyone else is at work. ill get to open whatever presents i get on christmas day. for some reason, christmas isnt really moving me. ill get to see my niece's reaction to all the gifts she gets. i dont care what everybody else thinks about their gifts. i got everybody something even if it was just a pack of socks and underwear. i feel like christmas has turned into a commercial holiday. spend money money money until u are broke to make someone else happy. what about the most high? you should do deeds in the name of the most high all the time. ill probably sit at work and read in between taking police reports and im not going to take many of those. its christmas! i dont want to be bothered with trivial crap on a normal day....i better not be bothered with it on christmas day. next...today i was on the phone with my grandmother and she brought up the whole situation that happened to me when i was little. i know she didnt mean any harm. she doesnt even know how i feel about the situation because i dont talk about. i never have. i try not to think about it. no one knows who hurt me and i doubt anyone ever will. all i know is, it still bothers me. it explains a lot of my behavior as a child. i was thinking something was wrong with me because i was having sexual feelings at such a young age but hell, sex was something that was forced on me when most children are learning their abc's and watching sesame street. i try not to think about the fact that some man some where in this world thought it was ok to do things to a child that he could do with an adult. i try not to think about the fact my family hid all this from me until i was in middle school. they didnt know what i was feeling. hell, no one took the time to ask. i guess they thought i had blocked out everything from my memory. psychiatrists can only do so much. i blocked out most of it but its still some where in my brain. ask l.w.n. and she will tell you about the tears that are shed. i try not to think about that incident is the first of many negative sexual experiences ive had. maybe if it hadnt happened, id be a different person. maybe i wouldnt have gone through half of the shit that ive been through. ive never been pregnant, never had a disease, but ive been ripped open, bruised, and ignored when i said stop. i try not to think about the fact that every male that was around me got tested voluntarily but my father refused. every day i try not to think about it but this afternoon, my grandmother decided to bring it up. my mother doesnt talk about it. ive never really talked to my father about it. probably never will. we havent spoken in months. i lost his phone number when my old phone broke. he has my number but hasnt called. thats not unusual. maybe he will call on christmas. i doubt it tho. this is an everyday struggle....keeping my eyes from leaking, my mental clear, my actions positive, my irritability at a minimum, my patience high, my intentions good, and that shit off of my brain. as cliche as it sounds, ima survivor. im strong even when im weak. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.

making...what?....i absolutely despise the term "making love". i think its one of the most stupid ways to describe sex. just think about it....making....love. you cant make love. if you could, you'd be a rich mofo. the fact is, love is a precious process that keeps growing or sometimes diminishes. you should HAVE love BEFORE you have sex. how the hell is sex going to produce love? thats like trying to turn shit into sugar. smh. sex is sex and love is love. once you decide that you love someone enough to share your body with them, thats beautiful. the fact is, even tho they are nice together, they are not required to be present at the same time. you can have sex with someone and not love them or you can love someone and not have sex with them. you just cant make love. are you hoping that by being intimate with someone, after you've sweat ya perm out and your partner is laying there snoring....yall are miraculously in love? whatever. i dont know what im going to call it from now on. i dont just have sex. hell, there arent too many species on earth that dont have sex. id like to think that as humans, most of us are evolved more than that. i dont fuck. i dont do the grown up. i dont screw. i dont know what to call what it is that me and l.w.n. do....all i know is, we dont make love because love was there before we became intimate. what we do is beautiful and ugly, pleasurable and painful, intense and gentle....all at the same time. *sigh* in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

never again....it...is...5:00 in the morning and im wide awake with tears in my eyes. i guess everything hit me at one time. i woke up and laid in my bed for a minute...just thinking. then, my eyes started filling with tears. the fuckin truth is so hard to face. i have realized, i have wanted to be loved by someone so damn much i have accepted less than what the fuck i deserve...subpar treatment for the sake of being with someone that im really not even officially with. acting like im married when i cant even get a fuckin commitment. let me take that back...a commitment is pending. what kinda stupid shit is that? the fact is, i have wanted to be loved so fuckin bad that i have allowed myself to be subjugated and disrespected. what ive received isnt even really fuckin love. if someone loves you, they dont hurt you. they dont make you cry more than they make you smile. thought id learned that lesson, guess not if i allowed this shit to happen. im tired. i gotta do better. if i keep doing what im doing, im going to keep getting what im getting which is more tears than laughter, more loneliness than companionship, more bullshit than love. fuck that. i deserve better. i deserve more. i promise, this shit wont happen again. never again. people say, never say never. fuck that. NEVER AGAIN. ive gone through again, another again, and now im sayin, never again. there is a fine line between love and hate....and im on it.

everything i am....damn, its been almost 5 years that i have been writing here. i was blogging before the shit was considered cool. i started this journal because i love to write, point blank. i didnt give a damn if anybody read it. at first, a lot of people read it. now, im not so sure because i dont update like i used to and i dont know if my blog rings and all that crap still work. reading my old posts makes me laugh a lil bit. im glad i wrote because when i went back and read some of the old posts, it brought back memories. anybody that knows me knows that my memory is shot. i definitely need to write more than what i have been doing. its like, i come home from work, bullshit, and go to sleep. wake up the next day and go to work. its crazy. i will make it a point to write more, not only for my sanity, but for the memories i need to record. next...friskins had cheyanne aka beans on 9/05/07 at 5:26 pm. she weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces. she came into this world with a bunch of drama. i wont get into all that tho. seeing her made me feel happy because she is finally here but it also reminded me of the problems that i am going to have getting pregnant. i have officially been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which means that my ovaries are stingy. instead of them releasing a ripe egg every month, they keep the eggs and the eggs turn into cysts in my ovaries. so, i dont ovulate and i cant get pregnant. in order for me to get pregnant, i have to take some kind of medication to make me ovulate. right now, my doctor put me on birth control to make me have a period every month. hell, i know its not for birth control. last time i checked, spit didnt make babies and even if it did, its been a year since i had sex anyway. it pisses me off that chics that fuck anything that has a dick, chics that aint bout shit, chics that have the maturity level of a preschooler, can get pregnant as easily as the wind blows and i have to go through all this stupid shit because my body doesnt want to cooperate. im fuckin hurt, angry, and frustrated at the same time. i understand that this syndrome shit doesnt necessarily mean that i will never have a child. it just means that it will be much harder for me to conceive. i know that i have to be strong cuz like kanye said what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger. its just hard sometimes. ive been reading about this syndrome shit (thats what i officially call it) and it has explained to me why a lot of things have happened. me being depressed and not knowing why i would be aight one minute and crying the next minute...the syndrome shit. the fact that my gut is the biggest thing on my body...the syndrome shit. my absent period....the syndrome shit. the hair that is now growin all over my body....the syndrome shit. high blood pressure....yep, the syndrome shit. i wish there was some way that i could make myself all better. i just need to get past this. i have a plan and most high willing, it will work. i will have a child before before the end of 2008. i have someone (pending an HIV test) that will father my child. all i have to do is get checked, get the medication, do the do, and pray to the most high that i conceive. with faith and the same amount of effort, ill not only be in better health, ill be a mother too. damn, writing this, has made me feel so much better. writing is my therapy. 5 long years and by the grace of the most high, im still here. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

the boro of greens.....i just got back from greensboro, nc. me and shane decided to get the hell away from this boring ass city. i ate at chilis and omg.....they have $3 margaritas!!!!!!! why didnt they have those when i was in college? i wish borenoke had a damn chilis. we have boring ass panera bread and carrabas. smh. anyway, we couldnt find the club so we came home. i had fun just being away tho. maybe next time we'll be able to find the club and i can shake my arse or lack thereof. im going out to our lame club tomorrow. if im lucky, they will play some hip hop. *sigh* im trying to be more social because ive been under so much stress. being solitary isnt all that great when you are depressed. all i do when i come home from work is listen to music and think about all the bullshit in my life. i hate my job with a passion. i know i have been saying it for the past year but yo, im really fuggin fed up. i need something else. something that i can make some money and actually use my damn brain instead of doing the same things over and over again. i want a job that actually respects my brain and the fact that i use it. my job is soooo not me. enough about that....im blowin my "i drank 2 margaritas and been outta town" high. next...my love life is still nonexistant. i havent met anyone that moves me. makes me get butterflies. makes me actually want to talk to her every day. i have so much love to give. my neo better hurry up and find me. aight, i need to take my ass to bed before i fall asleep on my keyboard. in a minute. peace and greens.....prolific out.

nyame dua.....for the first time in a long time, i looked at myself and saw beauty and strength. ive been through so much in my life and will probably go through a lot more because hey, thats life. but guess what? im still here. head high. today i went shopping and for the first time, i didnt feel shitty because i couldnt find something that felt good. its always something that doesnt fit right or looks like somebody's great grandma lullabelle would wear. i spent a grip for what i wanted but i look damn good in it. i dyed my hair red again. brown or black hair isnt me. never has been. i dont give a fuck if its not "corporate" looking. its all me. i got the tattoo ive been talking about for 2 years. its an adinkra symbol called nyame dua which is a symbol of the most high's presence and protection. i got it on the lower part of my neck...right on my spine. it hurt a lil bit but while it was being done it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. all the bullshit ive been stressed about doesnt matter. im overweight. so what? i have a buncha damn bills. so what? i cant drive. so what? im single. so what? my self esteem isnt as high as it should be. so the fuck what? im here. im still learning to live in the present and enjoy it. my time on this earth is limited. its going to be cut short even more if i continue to worry about shit that doesnt matter. what other people think of me, doesnt matter. what they eat doesnt make me shit. from now on, its about my happiness, achieving my goals, doing better that i did before, and living my life like its....irreplaceable. fuck that other bullshit. as long as the most high has my back, i can do anything. this is just the beginning. in a minute....peace and gettin back to U....prolific out.

get me bodied....i just came in from the best night at the club ive had in a longgggg time. i danced in 5 inch heels like i would dance barefoot. i bounced my booty or lack thereof on shay and shane. shane was looking fly dressed in skulls. shay was lookin extra preppy in her button down. i danced until my legs and feet burned. fuck tae bo. dance in heels in the club. anyway, me, nishers, shane, and shay acted a damn fool. upper echelon...bitches. now, im back at home with a ton of shit on my mind. well, not a ton and not shit literally, but you get the point. anyway, ive realized that as much as i say im ready to be in a relationship, i know that im not. i know that i would still hold on to myself with both hands even if i was in a relationship. a relationship cant work like that. if im not opening my heart, whats the point? im not ready to open myself up like that. its going to take a lot and i do mean a helluva lot to break down this wall that i have constructed around my heart. i mean hell, my heart can get stomped on for only so many times before it begins to protect itself. thats where i am right now. if my neo comes, she will have to know how to break down that wall. if she cant, she isnt the one. *sigh* next...my work schedule changes on tuesday. ill be working from 3-1am. it sucks to be me. ive been looking for another job with no luck. there isnt a damn thing out there. im not going to stop looking tho. i know i can do better. aight, time to lay it down. in a minute.....peace and 5 inch heels....prolific out.

public enemy....i know its been a long time. really, i have no excuse. i just havent felt like writing. i havent felt like putting myself out there like i used to. maybe my reluctance to blog has hurt me because since i stopped writing on the regular, ive gone through a lot of stress. so, im back. maybe writing is really what keeps me sane. i havent been doing much besides working. speaking of my job, before yesterday, i had grown to enjoy it a lil bit. i pretended to enjoy myself and not take it so damn seriously. well, yesterday, my brother and his girlfriend got arrested. the way they were treated, unjustly is putting it mildly, has tainted my views of my workplace. i deal with people complaining about being treated unfairly by the police and before yesterday, i was unbiased. now, i believe they treat people unfairly and take advantage of poor people that dont know the law. the police officers that greet me and talk to me every damn day treated me and my family like we were less than human. for the past week, ive heard about young black people being handcuffed and laid out in the middle of streets for routine traffic stops. well, routine by their standards. i say they are targeted because of their race and the neighborhoods they were driving in. its a shame. morally, i cant represent a place that i believe treats people, not just my own people, but anyone, unfairly. now, i know that not everyone was innocent but i can guarantee that the stops, the searches, etc were not all legal. i have to find another job asap. im not an uncle tom or a coon...sure it pays my bills but it also taxes my morality. next...im still single. it doesnt surprise me. i am very selective...even more than i was before my last relationship. i havent met anyone who has moved me yet. my neo will come when the most high sees fit. until then, im enjoying the single life. it gets lonely sometimes. especially at night when i want to cuddle and go to sleep. oh well, my neo soon come. next...i think im losing weight. my appetite has decreased. maybe its because of the warm weather. in the summer, i dont eat half as much as i do in the winter. its too damn hot to be eating heavy. ive been cooking a lot more than i have in my entire life. i enjoy cooking. i blame the food network for sparking my interest..lol. bobby flay is my hero. ok, i gotta clean up so i can chill the rest of the day. in a minute, i promise....peace and morality....prolific out.

cinderella....ive started writing at least 10 times in the past month, only to get writer's block. well, i cant blame it all on writer's block. writing makes me come face to face with my problems. u cant ignore them if u are writing about them. so, what has brought me in front of my computer today? a mixture of frustration and stress. im at my wits end. i have a job that i hate...that if i could quit right now, i would with no hesitation. i have a life that has become so damn routine and boring that i hardly recognize myself. i keep saying this cant be it. this cant be my life. my love life is nonexistant. most women tend to bore me now. its funny how when im ready to be open..ready to commit...ready to give and receive love...its no where to be found. maybe im not really ready or maybe its not ready for me. i dont know. i spoke with my father today and as usual, i got off the phone in tears. as much as i say his words and his absence doesnt hurt me, it does. he is a fuckin asshole and i see where i get it from. damn, thats the first time i smiled today. i want so much more from my life but it seems like the more i push for more, the less i get. i guess thats life tho. aint no fairytales 'round this bitch...even tho i pray for happily ever after. its been almost 2 years since i graduated from college and im basically in the same position i was in then. i have a lil more money, health insurance that sucks monkey's ass cuz doctors aint really doing shit but tellin me shit i already know (yeah, that was a rant), and more work experience (im not gonna even start on that). other than all that what the hell have i done? been in a fucked up relationship, developed high blood pressure, developed a serious shopping habit, and thats about it. this cant be my life. in a minute...prolific out.

show must go on......1:10...in 20 minutes i have to start getting ready for the job ive grown to detest. well, not the job itself...the people there. ive learned that ive invested so much time in being miserable for 8 hours of my day, 5 days a week. im just gonna let shit ride. hell, it could be worse. i could be unemployed, not about to pay these credit cards after days of shopping for things that i really dont need, but make me feel nice, even for just a moment. ive replaced ooh wees and multiple orgasms with shopping. not a good habit, a very expensive one at that, but just for a moment, it inspires me to smile. ive learned that i may not be the most attractive or the most simple person alive but hell, im alive. overcome more than the average woman my age to be alive and sane, most of the time. i love hard and sometimes, well hell, most of the time, it tends to bite me in the ass. the regrets i had before today dont exist. only right now really matters. thats all i have. i think im ovulating. its possible after bleeding and cramping for 2 weeks straight. not guaranteed, but possible. i pray that my womb that ive abused with lovers who didnt really give nothin but their commitment to my orgasm (if that), black and mild smoke, and spirits every friday for the past 5 months...has forgiven me and decided to bless itself with at least 1 life to come forth in this crazy world ive decided to be a part of. i havent wanted anything so much since i got my degree that is still in an envelope, inside of an envelope, on a shelf. i promise if she blesses herself with life, ill do right. ill love myself more, neglect myself less, eliminate anything that could harm us mentally or physically, for the rest of my life. the rest of my life, most high willing, will be a long time if i live for the moment, not for the future. all that matters is now. last night, in the middle of a gas station parking lot, i released tears and negativity that i had been holding on to for months. i felt like the weight of 6 women was lifted from my mind. thats not to say that ive forgotten, ive just moved on. the show must go on, fortunately. nothing unfortunate about living my life. ive learned hatred and negativity take energy that i could be using for another purpose. loyalty and an unknown named baby boy come to mind. ive got to do better for the dreams i do have. cant make them reality if my reality at the present is all fucked up. i have to do better. much better, than this. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

whodini....happy buy candy, roses, and stuffed animals for pussy that you get all year day. lmao. as long as i have been dating, valentines day hasnt been a big deal. i mean, if they cant show me how much they love me everyday, why should 1 damn day count? valentines day is a commercial holiday that women fall into. i went to work today with a clear head, which has been rare for the past 2 weeks. im always fuggin stressin bout something. today, i just said fuck it. i worked hard but i wasnt really pissed about it like i normally am. i do the work of 3 mofos because people like to call in all the damn time. thats another story tho. anyway, i came home, tired but not stressed. i was supposed to go out with shay to macados for drinks tonight but as im sittin here, my eyes are gettin heavy. she bought me red roses with 1 white one in the middle, a card, a BIG ass stuffed toad, balloons, and candy. thats my buddy. i call her every night so i can fall asleep. not that she is boring, ive just been used to falling asleep on the phone every day for the past year. ive been going through some things and she is the person that has heard me cry, scream, bitch, and yell over bong waters and ricochet rabbits. friends? how many of us have them? next...the big delete. i did some early spring cleaning in my life. i called it the big delete. i went through my phone, myspace, and my yahoo IM and deleted everything that was associated with people i no longer want to talk to. did u survive the big delete? when you are down, you find out who your friends are and you find out who the snakes are. well ladies and gentlemen, i put off killin a snake for too damn long. that mofo bit me a couple of times and i let it continue to roam in my yard. aint that some shit? the first time it bit me, i shoulda cut its head off but i didnt. that was my mistake. ya live and ya learn. it'll never bite me again tho. like i always say, karma is an evil bitch and she will tap dat ass soon. soon come bitch. anyway, thanks to all my friends. im comin out of this funk ive been in lately. i still dont like my job. i got a lil bit of money since i got my taxes back but i havent been shopping. for what? i really dont need anything. the money is sittin there until i need it. i might plan a vacation somewhere in may. who knows. aight, im going to bed. in a minute...peace and john deere...cream out.

sunrise.....when i was younger, i used to have vivid dreams, dreams that would wake me and have me sittin on the edge of the bed until sunrise. i always dream in color....never had a black and white dream. always bright colors. i think its that way to make me remember whatever it was i dreamed about. im like the 3 generations of women before me....a woman that dreams about things to come. im no where near psychic but i will say when i dream about someone, usually its a sign that bullshit is involved. ive never dreamed about someone i actually KNOW doing something fucked up and i didnt find out that they were on some bullshit. that being said, here i am at sunrise writing because i just had 2 vivid ass dreams. dreams with colors that screamed at me. dreams that woke me up both physically and mentally. i am imperfect. im 50 pounds past thick, sensitive as hell at times, stubborn, anti-social, etc. ill never say im perfect but i am the complete package. im intelligent...i have a good conversation, a good job, grade A top of the line pussy...the woman that will allow you to be you, imperfections and all because thats what makes us all human right? the woman that is understanding of time demands because hell, i have my own, i work and i write. the woman that has to have music and a pen and a notebook in her life or she would go insane. the woman that knows the difference between rap and hip hop. the woman that can hold her liquor and doesnt do any other drugs. the woman that will only allow you in her space and introduce you to the loves of her life, her family, if and only if you fit the bill. the woman that will fuck you like a whore and fix you a sunday dinner afterwards....and you gon front on this shit here nigga? this shit here....nigga....this shit right here? hmmmph. true indeed, they were only just dreams but the signs have BEEN there and the signs all lead to bullshit. this is why i have a glacier where my heart used to be. fuck an icebox omarion, those shits can be defrosted. i will not allow myself to be disrespected over and over. after awhile, it makes it acceptable to be disrespectful because hey....she'll always be there. well, no the fuck i wont. that shit is for birds and that im clearly not. id rather lonely, in my solitude, than be treated less than what i deserve and accept bullshit for the sake of having somebody to talk to. it was once said by black thought that "things fall apart". damn right they do. in a minute....peace and the horizon....prolific out.

quiet......im lonely. i finally admitted it to myself. every night for the past 2 weeks, i make excuses for not going to bed. id rather bullshit on the internet, play the sims, rearrange shit that doesnt need to be rearranged in my room, basically make up shit to do....id rather do all that than go to lay in an bed by myself. i thought it might have been my bed...maybe its too hard or maybe i need more lavender in my sheets or maybe i need new sheets. i bought a feathertop for my mattress, new sheets that i sprinkled with lavender powder and i still couldnt sleep. something still wasnt right. i still laid in the bed with my mind racing and my eyes wide open. it wasnt until tonight that it finally hit me. i was layin in my bed after i made myself go to bed because playing on the internet was down right boring and the sims didnt seem too enticing at the moment....i laid there with my eyes open like i normally do and there was a pillow next to me. one of those big firm pillows. i laid my head on it and started to cry. i dont remember the last time i shared my bed with someone. im not even talkin about sex....thats the last thing on my mind actually. im talking about laying in the bed talking...bodies touching...not all sexual either...like, her feet on mine or my head on her shoulder. i miss that. i miss intimacy. again, not that sexual shit, although its quite nice. i want to be held, be kissed, hugged. i want to hear someone breathing beside me in my bed besides my damn dog. i want to have deep late night, early morning conversations until one of us starts dozing off. i want a reason to pop the tags off the new satin nightgowns i bought and not continue to wear the big cotton nightgowns that i wear night after night. i want the scent of someone other than myself on my sheets. i want to stop crying right now. i admit it, im lonely. in a minute....peace and quiet....prolific out.

star......today is the day my mother evicted me from her body by drinking a couple of bottles of castor oil. lmao. i have a picture of her holding me...i couldnt have been more than a couple of weeks old. i had on a pink and white shirt that said "a star is born". i think my momma was psychic cuz the world hasnt been the same since. wow....26. i never thought past 21 but here i am, 26 years young. ive been through so much, wasted so much time on things that dont matter, cried til my eyes were swollen, laughed until i damn near peed on myself, loved, been hurt, hurt people, been afraid....and im still here. i was sitting here thinking about what this day means and all i can come up with is change. im older now, gotta stop letting my fears keep me from living my dreams. i dont want to be 36 in the same position im in now. i havent been living up to my potential and i have no one to blame but myself. it doesnt matter because of course, the future is now. i keep hearin my buddy dawn tell me that ima star. the world just doesnt know it yet but trust and believe, they will. 25 was a learning experience, 26 will be the genesis of my celebrity and success. ive decided to distance myself from a couple of people this year. its necessary in order for me to grow to distance myself from people that have leech-like behavior, hurt me, or are just takin up space. why keep people around when their presence doesnt benefit you and most of the time only either gets on your nerves or hurts you? makes no sense to me. next.....i did most of my celebrating this weekend. friday night, me, friskins, and dubb went to macados as usual. the only difference is, i drank a long beach ice tea, vodka and cranberry, and vodka and orange juice. i was fuuuuuuucked up. according to dubb, i almost walked into a wall. i had so much fun tho. i sang "i touch myself" lmaooo. friskins sang "500 miles". i think thats the name of that damn song. anyway, i came home and passed the hell out. saturday night, me and the crew went to buffalo wild wings. i drank a blackberry lifesaver and a cosmo. i was behaving last night until dubb decided to go to the club. it was lame as ever. sad situation. friskins got harassed by a white butchy lookin chic. she held on to me like i was jesus the entire night. there werent any cute chics there, of course. i wish i knew where all the black lesbians are hiding around here. well....its not like i would have a lot to do with their lame asses tho. these dum dums around here make me wanna scream. if i find an intellectual around here, ill be a happy woman. aight, i gotta go to work on my birthday. *sigh* in a minute....peace and growth....prolific out.