braids and beauty......my lovely sister frannie fresh braided the front of my hair last night. i have about 15 little cornrows in the front and i pushed the rest of my hair back into a ponypuff. i looked in the mirror before i went to work and i be damned if i dont look like a middle-schooler. i have the body of a grown ass womyn but the face of a pre-teen. in the midst of all i have been through, im glad i still look a lil youthful. the round face with the chubby cheeks and the button nose make me look like a kid, especially when i smile. ive been downing more and more water lately. im trying to get my health in order. im wayyyyy to young to have the health issues i have. i might not be able to reverse what ive done so far, but i can make sure it doesnt get any worse than it already is. eventually, i want to stop eating meat but fish, limited sugar, rice, or bread, and work out at least 3 times a week. everything in its time. today im wearing 4 1/2 inch heels and i feel quite sexy. i know my feet are going to hurt when i get home but ill just soak them and wear little heels the rest of the week. its something about heels that make me feel sexy....probably because they make my lil short legs look long. im only 5'5" so my legs are rather short. when i put those heels on the legs look long, the muscles in my legs are more prominent, and the walk.....wooooooooo. all i gotta say is, ya better watch ya mate because the stroll always turns heads. yeah, im a little cocky when it comes to that. aight homies...back to work. in a minute...peace....prolific out.

flower......hold my hand and just listen.....lately i have been noticing more femininity in me...kinda like im a flower blooming and since im blooming i tend to want all things prissy....heels, skirts, perfumes, lotions, pedicures, manicures....none of which i paid attention to before now. i go shopping every payday for something to add to this new found femininity. i have a skincare regimen now.....wtf? i actually have nightgowns to sleep in instead of shorts and a t-shirt. its weird now...i want flowers and all things romantic. im turning into a mushball. *gaggin* right now....i would love to be made love to......candles lit with heated massage oil, with bilal playing in the background. i want a full body massage...well no i dont cuz ill go nite nite after that. i want to slow dance...my head on her chest as she softly sings whatever song is playing. i want our lovemaking to be passionate, unselfish...i dont want orgasms to be a thought....all that matters is she is close to me and me close to her and at that time....we are 1. fantasies are a mutha. next.....three nights ago, my father called me and told me that he has liver cancer. i dont know how i feel about it to be totally honest. i love him because he is my father but i dont know him. when i found out my grandfather had cancer, i cried immediately. my heart literally ached. i dont feel that way now. my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. i dont hold any grudges toward him as far as what he did or didnt do in the past. my brother and i sat down and talked about the situation and we both feel the same way. i think its bothering me a lot more than its bothering him tho. he said if our father died, he is not sure that he would go to the funeral. now, im sure im going. i dont care if i have to catch the bus up there, im going to his funeral. everybody in my family keeps calling me and telling me to be strong, things are going to be ok, blah blah blah. i wish everybody would leave me alone about it until i figure out how i feel. thats enough...going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting...ready...set...im at the old police department and the silence is soothing. i get so tired of hearing people...talking to people...i think thats why im comfortable being by myself. lately, i havent wanted to talk at all. i talk so much at work, by the time i get home, i have verbally exhausted myself. i hear so much crap at work, by the time i get home, i dont want to hear any bullshit. my best friend is moving tomorrow....the genesis. im so happy for her. makes me realize there is no such thing as stuck when it comes to my life. there is always a way to move up, over, on and when you mess up...back. im so damn indecisive...i think everything out before i act...afraid that the mistake i make now will effect my tomorrow. im tired of always thinking rationally. my mind bullies my heart constantly. im starting to believe the walls i have built around myself cant be penetrated. glass walls that were built for the sole purpose of avoiding heartache.....you can look in but no entrance homie. my father called me 2 days ago to see if i was ok. its been about a month since i talked to him. something is telling me that something isnt right...im fighting not to think about it. grown man with old issues...cant worry about things i cant change. got too much stuff on my mind as is. thought about calling his mother....probably would if i had the number. good thing is....i dont. might say some things that shouldnt be said, at least to her. i know its not good to hold grudges...i pray the most high forgives me for this one cuz ill probably hold it until one of us leaves the earth. i bought some clothes and perfume today. im buying heels and getting a pedicure tomorrow. being ladylike is scaring the hell outta me. its breaking my pockets too. dresses and heels were never my thing until now. i think subconsciously i didnt embrace femininity because i saw it as being weak and i never want to be weak. i wanted my exterior to reflect my interior. almost always wearing nothing but jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and fleece pants since i was 12. like mary said...ive been strong for too long....possessing enough strength for everyone to thrive from all the while hurting myself in the process. i welcome womanhood and piss on weakness. i need to start living and stop existing. trust my heart a little more. love and live like its the last minute of my life. overstand the things that make me different, make me a flawed, yet wonderful grown ass womyn. psssstttt....love is admitting that she, everything, and everybody on this earth isnt perfect, but despite imperfections, you got me. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.