azuuuuuuuucar.......i know the last entry was maaaad short.....i enjoyed the breeze soooo much. we had a thunderstorm yesterday....woke me up out of my sleep. i have always been scared of lightning....weird, but true. next....im just starting to be comfortable in my own skin.....i have always had a little insecurity.....but now its gettin to the point where im starting not to compare myself to anyone but myself. when i first stepped onto this campus, i was a totally different person. when i think about how far i have come since then....i always smile. i know i have some things i need to work out but dammit i like me a lot better now than i did then. this morning, i got up and looked at myself in the mirror...my hair was all ova my head. little gold curls were everywhere. for the first time, in a long time, i looked at myself and didnt see anything that i couldnt change with a couple of trips to the gym every week. yo...im not gon front...da kid gained weight over the summer....but dammit, i look good. im looking at myself with love in my eyes....thats a beautiful thing and beautiful, i am. next....da kid is still broke. what else is new? lol. next week i am going job hunting.....im tired of crawling. i need to get on my feet. next....i have been REALLY feeling her music. i cant understand a work of it....but i sing like i do. she is definately a womyn that i look up to....her style amazes me. well...i just finished dancing to la vida es un carnaval....i need a shower. in a minute.....azuuuuuuuuuuuuucar.......cream out.

electric relaxation.......im chillin....enjoyin the breeze....wonderin when was the last time that i stopped and actually chilled with a clear mind. yo...its been a minute. this feels so damn good. last night i twisted my hair after i washed it....big ups to this website.....i learned a lot. my hair is dry as hell.....i thought i was doing something wrong and found out that i was. now...its cool. i wish it would rain......that would set this day off.

a new du........like the new layout?? well, its only temporary. i just couldnt take the black anymore. too damn gloomy. before i forget....my blogs birthday is comin up. it will be a year old on sept. 12th......get presents from here. ok...next....i finally took my braids out and washed my hair. yo....not havin a perm is a lot of work. you are dealing with your hair in its natural state....so basically you are working with it rather than it working with you when its permed. i need some more hair products because mine suck......my hair is hella dry. i have to constantly moisturize it. when i finally get some money i am going to load up on hair stuff. if anybody has any suggestions....e-mail me (the link is on the right...da kid is too lazy to link here). next...it was 95 damn degrees today. it felt like it was 195 degrees.....my dorm is so damn hot. i couldnt afford the extra $700 a semester to live in another dorm with ac AND pay more to have a single room. cant afford it. yo...the peeps that live in the new dorms with ac...get cell phones instead of phones in their rooms. i was sooo pissed off until i realized that their cellys have a 30 mile radius. thats it. so, i couldnt take it home. i couldnt take it on trips with me unless i was going to walmart. so....fuck their cell phones....ill get my own dammit. anyway....back to the dorm from hell....i have been taking 3 showers a day. i feel icky all the time...that sweaty, sticky feeling. i hate that. so, i have to do it. these females on my floor dont wash they ass but once a day.....and its 95 damn degrees. i know they are stinky.....if i am hot, i know they are. *smh* nasty heffas. i found out the class that i thought was going to be hella hard....isnt going to be that hard. true enough...its going to be hard...but nothing da kid cant handle. im determined to make the dean's list this semester. im goin to work my ass off. next...me and my grandma had a disagreement about me being in school. basically, she said i should sit out and work for a semester....hell to da nah. that would put me further behind than what i am already. she thought i was failing classes and i was bullshittin around....i told her i wasnt but i guess she didnt believe me. so, today, she looked through the papers that i sent her and sure enough.....there was proof. a letter stating that if i was in academic trouble, i would get kicked out of the dorms. well...ummm...im still in this bitch...sweating like a fuckin slave....been here for 4 years. so...she called and apologized not once....but twice. yo, i forgive her but i damn sure wont forget. it hurt me that she didnt believe what i was saying....like i have a reason to lie to her. im grown. it also hurt me that she would think i would be fuckin up in school in the first place.....if i didnt want to be here, i would be somewhere working. school costs too much to be fuckin up. i love my grandma but i see things in a different way after all that. well...i need to be taking my ass to sleep....got a 10:00 class tomorrow. in a minute.....cream suga sprinkled caramel cupcake......out.

back to life........i know i know....its been a minute. da kid has been mad busy. i had to pack all my crap to go back to school and when i got here, i had to unpack. i am still not finished unpacking. ill do it this weekend. school is.....school. i am surrounded by a bunch of children. i am hot as hell because there is no ac in this building. i feel like i am in hell. i cant wait for fall to get here. i am ready for school to be over with already....ready to graduate.....yall already know that tho. next....i decided to stick with natural hair. when i went to ct this summer, i permed it. *tsk tsk* well, i am not perming it anymore. i think i look so cute with a fro. ill post pics when i take these damn braids out of my head. my sister braided my hair before i left and i swear they itch like a million mosquito bites. i need to wash my hair. next....me and diallo talked...he is going to take me to look for a job and is going to take me and pick me up from work when i get a job. i cant wait to start working. there are so many things that i need to do for myself. i have a list of goals on my wall and i am determined to reach all of them before this semester is over with. im not telling what they are.....too much pressure. i know this is a short post considering i havent written in a while but the kid is tired as hell. this day has been tiring. i just want to lay in my bed, drink a black cherry soda, and go to sleep. in a minute......peace...cream out.

its over........things are gettin brighter, slowly but surely. i just finished cooking (jerk chicken, chinese vegetables, rice, and cornbread) and now i feel relaxed. its something about cooking that relaxes me. i like to watch my brother eat my food.....he eats like he aint ate in years. he's picky as hell.....but i never get any complaints...only compliments. next...i called the state supreme court for cream this morning....got frustrated cuz they couldnt get me the answers i needed....ill call again on monday. i am determined to AT LEAST get his sentence shortened. i really hope he walks free. hope is a hell of a thing. next...its funny how people that dont even know you appreciate your work more than the people you love. well shit, the people i love take me for granted so i shouldnt expect much should i? i hate to sound harsh but thats how da kid feels......i am so ready to leave. august 23rd marks the genesis. next...my brother's best friend is staying over....he and his girlfriend got into a fight and her parents are looking for him. he says he didnt hit her....he just pushed her off of him....which i totally believe. his girl is one of those chics that gets physical when she argues.....she wants him to hit her. im not saying its right to hit a womyn....but if i were a man and a chic hit me in my face.....id have to bitch slap her ass. when i was with my ex...i never provoked the fights.....he always hit me first. i wasnt goin to let him beat on me so i fought back. this chic ripped his chain off of his neck, jumped on his back and scratched him AND spit on him. yo....i give him props for not hittin her cuz if it hadda been me....i woulda punched her. one of the nastiest things you can do is spit on somebody.....oh hellllllllll nah. let a bitch spit on me....i'll knock her damn teeth out. yes people....cream has a violent side. it only comes out occasionally when i am provoked and when it does....i would suggest you keep your distance from me. i feel myself gettin angry for reasons i dont feel like sharing....so...ima go drink some henny and go to bed. in a minute......peace.....cream out.

ventin....#6,000,000....i am sittin here with tears in my eyes. there is so much i need to get out....whatever sanity i had left is officially gone. early this morning, i got so angry....so angry, my hands were shaking. i have never felt that way before in my life. i have been holding so much in for so damn long....tolerating shit that i shouldnt be, being quiet, overlooking shit.....i cant take it anymore. the shit is not healthy. I laid in the tub until my skin looked like a damn prune....thought long and hard about everything that i am feeling. i decided to write this....it was inspired by something that Belle did in her last post. i dont mean to hurt anybody's feelings but i am not and i will not apologize for how i feel.

C- I love you, you should already know that. You will never realize how much. Sometimes I feel excessive and taken for granted....like you feel like i am goin to always be here. There are some other things......but i will talk to you about them later. The way I treat you is a direct reflection of how I want to be treated. I am feeling so much right now and I need you to listen to me, not just hear me. Make love a verb and show me how you feel. You already know my past and how things have gone thus far. SHOW ME that you want to be a part of my future.

M- I love you, I always have. I wish you would get your life together and realize that sex isn’t everything and you can survive without being with someone. I don’t understand why you take so much shit in the name of a relationship. You taught me to be stronger than that, why can’t you take your own advice? I wish you would leave that no good man alone and just enjoy your own company rather than the company of someone that is verbally abusive.

L- I hate you because I love you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I wish I could say the same for you. I wish another was in your place so maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. I wish you would come and wipe almost 23 years of anger and pain away. I wish you knew how many nights I cried for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me the last time we talked. I wish a lot of things but wishes are only granted by genies and I have yet to come across one.

B- I know I can talk to about anything and not be judged. Our conversations mean a lot to me. It’s funny how exes can become best friends. I’m going to do everything in my power to help you because I know that if the tables were turned, you would do the same for me.

#4- I thought all the damage you caused was gone. I just realized that I was wrong. You made me feel so many negative things. When we were together, I was a damn mess.....no self esteem whatsoever. I’ve cleaned up a lot of it, but there is still more to be cleaned up. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel the way you did but the fact remains that you did. I wish you would admit it and apologize.

J- Thank you for coming into my life and doing what you did. It was the beginning of my true independence. You made me realize that I am a lot stronger than I thought and I have the strength to leave when shit isn’t right and the strength to be by myself rather than be with someone that doesn’t treat me right.

S- Every time I see you, I think of the times you hit me or choked me or the time you held me down and raped me. You made me feel worse than dog shit and being the naïve chic that I was, I let you do it. You had me feeling like you were doing me some kind of favor because you were with me. I remember every slap, every bruise, every woman you cheated on me with, every fucked up thing you said to me…I remember everything. I have forgiven you but I can not and will not forget everything you put me through. It still affects me, even now.

im goin for a walk.....i need do something......in a minute.....peace....cream out.

veryyyyy brief........warning....this post will be short as hell. reason being....i really dont feel like being online. i only came online to check on a few things and update...thats it. i havent been feelin the internet much these past few weeks.....i think the dial up aol bullshit has a lot to do with it. ok...that bein said....my buddy rashawn hooked me up with the sims hot date again. i havent been able to get away from my comp....if you dont have it, cop it. it is soooo much fun. maybe one day ill put my sims photo album on here. next...i went to walmart with my buddy...ill call her ishanay. anyway....i had fun. met her friend ty....laughed a lot. blah blah blah blah. im doin the same shit i have been doin....im gettin rushed off the comp....gotta make a call (damn dial up). ill holla.......in a minute....cream out.

keep it movin.....last night, i FINALLY conversed with my buddy artiste on the phone. we talked for a longgggg time.....it felt good. we have known each other for almost a year....talked about every damn thing....she even knows some of my business. anyway, it was nice to vent to someone. she keeps tellin me to be nice. for what??? why should i be nice when people arent nice to me? i give you what you give me....if you are nice, i am. if you are an asshole, ima be an even bigger asshole. how i treat you is a direct reflextion of how you treat me. oh, btw.....starting today....im gettin my john deere out. i feel the presence of snakes and rats. im reevaluating all of my relationships. next...my niece has these paci's that light up. she loves it...i hear "auntie...look at the light" 50 times a day...she actually should be gettin rid of it since she is almost 2. she looks so cute yo.....the day that i have a seed will be one of the happiest days of my life, even if it will probably be the most pain i have ever felt. while i was in dc, my uncle asked me if i called my father. of course i hadnt and when i went to tell him why, i had tears in my eyes. no one has ever hurt me like he has and i put this on everything i love, no one ever will. i dont want to talk to him....it will open a set of wounds that have just started to heal. i hope he is aight, where ever he is. next....i had a convo with my friend about trust. like i have said a million times...its hard for me to trust. the key to me trusting someone all boils down to verbs. show me....dont talk about it, be about it. if you show me that you are different than the assholes in my past and you are worthy of being a part of my future....maybe i will trust you. next...i was looking at my sitemeter. thank yall for readin my blog. i didnt know so many people did....surprised the hell out of me. ok...thats enough for now. in a minute.......peace.....cream out.

little girl blue.......today, for the upteenth time.....somebody woke me up early. for what??? for not a damn thing. it is so nice to lay in my own space where i dont have to answer the phone.....in fact...i can take that bitch off the hook if i want to. to top it off.....the person that kept callin wasnt even someone i wanted to talk to or someone that wanted to talk to me. i was soooooo pissed. me and my dog were knocked out and this bama calls 6 times before 11 am. aint that a bitch? next......me and my mother went to feed the ducks by my brother's job today. yo.....im diggin ducks right now. the males are some evil bastids....the females are cool. i fed them bread out of my hand. they shook their tail feathers for me....im dead serious. it was so peaceful yo....i didnt think about anything but those ducks the entire time i was there. lately, i have been real attentive to animals....dont know why. i gave my dog a bath and a pedicure last night. she keeps laying her head me and doing things to show that she appreciates me. im glad that somebody appreciates me.....even if its just my dog. im not goin to go into my feelings of being taken for granted....same shit, different toilet. aint shit changed. next...i cleaned my closet today to. ive been tryin to keep myself busy....it keeps things off of my mind. i found some of my old poetry books and an old journal. they reminded me of how far i have come. i was reading some of my journal entries about the times my ex and i would fight and the bruises i would have afterwards. it was like i was reading someone else's story.....like i said, it reminds me of how far i have come. on the other hand....i read some entries that remind me i am still tolerating the same shit that i was with him. i am almost in the same boat that i was in with him....not the fighting and shit tho. thats anotha can of shit that i dont feel like opening right now. i ripped up the journal and kept my old poetry book. i even found a notebook i had in the 6th grade. i have been writing poetry and short stories since i was in the 3rd grade. wish i had kept all the stuff i wrote. oh well. im finna enjoy the time i have alone in this house. in a minute....peace....cream out.

jah....can you hear me? part 2......i am so tired of roanoke. this place is hell......a bunch of fuckin confusion, pettiness, arguing, fighting.....a bunch of high school he say she say shit. it cant ever be peaceful. never......never have, never will. i cant deal with this shit yo. i left here when i was 18 because of it....thought i could just visit and it would be aight...thought that visiting would let me avoid it.....thought wrong. i dont ever want to come back here. i love my fam but if they want to see me once i graduate, they will have to come to where ever i am living and it damn sho aint gon be here. yall dont understand how much hatred i have in my heart for this one damn place....a place that isnt even on the fuckin map half of the time....a place that only has about 150,000 people.....if hell is on earth...this place is the devil's kitchen. im tired of hearing about drama...tired of seeing it...just plain tired of this place. i praise the most high for opening the door for me to get out of here because i probably wouldnt be alive if i hadnt left. i wish that i could take my niece and raise her somewhere decent. i dont want her to grow up here....around all this bullshit. every night i pray to the most high and ask him/her to protect my family and my friends from harm, negativity, violence, and evil. every night yo. i worry about my fam a lot....all i can do is pray yo. the rest is left to the most high. i wish that this worry and negativity would leave my mind....somebody pray for me. in a minute.....peace...cream out.

shawt but sweet......i really dont feel like writing....im bored tho. aint shit else to do but write. i had fun visiting my fam this weekend...my uncles house is so damn pretty. we cooked out, drank some barcardi, watched final destination 2 (i liked that movie)......just chilled yo. it was nice to get away but at the same time it was a reminder of how much we (my immediate fam) dont have. we's po' country folk in a family of wealthy city folk. my little cousin is so cute....he's 3 and soooo damn short for his age.....i couldnt get enough of his little ass. he kept wantin me to play soccer with him...da kid got tired. next...the rain is fallin hard as hell on the roof....sounds like a plane is hoverin over our house.....maybe i need to make this update quick....i would hate to have lightning strike my shit. i miss my woman.....i miss her like crazy....im cravin her....i hope she knows. october betta hurry up and get here. im finna open my windows and listen to the storm til i fall asleep.....ill holla lata. in a minute....peace......cream out.

arrabbiato.....i feel the same way i felt last friday....lonely. its weird cuz i am lonely but i dont feel like bein bothered. everybody is on some other shit today....some shit that i am not tryin to get in. almost everybody i have talked to today has either irritated me or pissed me off. i am so damn anti-social right now. next....we are goin to see my fam in dc tomorrow...well, lata on....since its officially saturday. maybe this is a well deserved get away...maybe i need sometime away from everybody. if i had a car and some money, id be gone...somewhere to enjoy my own company. quick thought----why does "bitter" by meshell n'degeocello make me cry everytime i hear it? just a question i dont have the answer to. at this very moment....im feelin so many different emotions...all at the same time. i need to find the place where i dont feel used...taken advantage of...or just plain fucked up. i want to feel appreciated, loved, respected....and i dont feel that here. when i was younger, i wanted somebody to love and appreciate me. now that i am older, i know that the most important thing is to love and appreciate yourself. i have also learned that everybody has the need to feel loved and appreciated. home is where you are supposed to feel that and well.....like i said before, i dont have a home. cream is without a home. this is my mother's house....its brought to my attention almost everyday. i need a quiet place, just to give me a peace...of mind. i am ready to shut everybody out....just to keep my sanity cuz i feel it slipping away. my dreams that will soon be reality are what is keepin my head to the sky. miles is playing "basin street blues" and its makin my eyes heavy. im gone to dream the same dream i have dreamed for years......in a minute....peace.....cream out.