child's play.....i have tried not to put too much on here about my relationship cuz yall want to read about me....at least i hope so....not about me and woo. plus, its not fair to her cuz yall will only read my side of things while her side never gets to be heard. now, i am makin an exception, cuz this has been on my mind all day. wanna hear it....here it go.....when i decided to commit to woo, i knew that she had children and if i was to accept and love her, i had to do the same to her children. her kids are cool...i had to get used to listenin for little footsteps at 2 am, takin care of a sick baby, not havin a damn thing to yourself...hearin mommy 50 billion times a day.....all that shit that comes with step-parenthood. i had no idea that her having children would affect our relationship as much as it has. its not a good or bad impact.....its a real impact. first of all, she is a single parent.....so there is no help whatsoeva. to make it more difficult, we are a lesbian couple (duh). out of respect for her children, we cant do the things that heterosexual couples do all the time. affection and attention is EXTREMELY....let me emphasize that.....EXTREMELY limited. sex has to be planned....which is NO fun at all. it sucks like a $2 hooka. there are many limitations......but this is what comes with her. i think the most high put me in this situation to learn patience....cuz right now, i have no patience....to put me in a real damn relationship where you have bills...kids...issues...not just sex, goin out, more sex, and all that sweet shit all the time......and to learn tolerance. at this point in my life, i dont think i could do what she does everyday....its like she plays superwoman. i mean, if i had to i would, but yo....id be a lunatic. i respect her a lot for doin what she does. but yo....it gets overwhelming at times for me....there are nights when i get so frustrated that i cry....there are times when i feel neglected....cuz i need some affection and some attention...not sayin that she has to be under me all the time....i need to be held sometimes. i want to be touched....i want my presence to be acknowledged occasionally. everybody needs to know that they are loved and appreciated, ya undadig, and i am one of those people that have to be reminded a bit more than others. i need to know that i matter.....that what i feel and what i do matters. my whole life i have.....sacrificed....gave people my all.....and it was never appreciated. when i am with you...im with you totally....and i am goin to give you my all, but the minute i feel uncomfortable or i feel like what i am doing or feeling is in vain, not appreciated, being noticed, or its one sided....i withdraw my feelings totally. thats just my way of protecting myself. next....i finally get a day off tomorrow. man, i am soooo tired. my feet hurt....i need a damn pedicure....i need a massage....i need rest. i want to chill in the ac, drink a glass of merlot, and just be easy. hopefully....ill get them tomorrow cuz dammit i need them all. well, thats enough for now....i need to shower. this damn heatwave aint no joke. peace and cool breezes....cream baby out.

CALL DA PLUMBER........same shit, different toilet...day in and day out....all i know for a fact is that im damn tired. this shit is gettin old...smellin...and dammit i am tired of smellin it. tired of lyin with it and to it....denyin its existance....sprayin air freshener....lightin candles....holdin my damn breath.....but dammit, it stinks too much to ignore it anymore. this shit is smellin up my entire house....im tired yo....im tired....you know what....i am goin to alleviate myself of this stench...ima callin the damn plumber.

love and happiness...pros and cons......i got out the shower, put baby oil gel on my body, wrapped a towel around me, and walked into the room. my touch lamp and my tv was on. i looked to my left to see her sitting on my bed with her back against the wall wearing a black wife beater and boxers....watchin tv. i walked over to her and stood in front of her. our eyes met and tears ran down my face. she scooted closer to me, wiped my tears, and held me. i dropped the towel and she rubbed me...everywhere she could get her hands to...her hands expressed physically, what she felt for me emotionally. tears kept falling down my face and she wiped them all away. i got on the bed and she laid beside me. i laid my head on her arm and she stroked my hair, my face...she kissed my eyelids, my nose...shit, everywhere. she even kissed my heart. that night, we made love. WE made love. there were no words spoken...we expressed our emotions physically. she made me feel like i was the most precious, most beautiful womyn in the world...she appreciated my body, my kisses, my love....she held my hands above my head and it was like we were floatin...together. i cried tears of pleasure....then....i woke up. next....today i have learned that love and happiness are not conjoined. just because you love someone or someone loves you, doesnt necessarily mean that you will be happy. you can love someone but be totally miserable. true happiness comes from you and the most high. "somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough."- lady day.....thats it....peace.....cream out.

real shit.....i have been more quiet lately.....instead of talkin, i just look and listen. why is it that people talk about other peeps with the same flaws that they have??? does that make any damn sense? its like the pot callin the kettle black. especially chubby peeps....they always talk about someone bein fat. or people that arent attractive sayin someone else is ugly. ummm..reality check...you aint so skinny or cute yaself. next....i dont really eva talk about sex.....but i have somethings on my mind that i need to get out. sex is a beautiful thing....if and only if the 2 people mutually love, respect, and care for each other. i have had some incidents happen in my life that have effected my views on sex so, the topic is real touchy with me. the act is even touchier. (if thats a word) there was a time in my life when i couldnt have sex without cryin. mainly, because i wasnt doin what i wanted to do (being with a womyn) and like i said before, some things happened that effected it as well. so, when i was 18, i decided to become celibate. celibacy helped because it gave me time to clear my mind and really think about why i felt the way i did about sex. i was celibate for 2 years. that brings me to this....sometimes, people dont understand that your sexual history means something. every person you are intimate with is a part of your life forever because you shared yourself with them so be choosy....i sound like a commercial but im dead serious. next...i watched enter the dragon last night. it was soooooooo live. i cant wait to see more bruce lee movies. aight...all this rain has me tired. ill holla.....cream out.

ohhhhh canada....its been raining all day....and i have slept a lot in the past 2 days. i havent slept this much since i was younger. i think i am catching up on all the sleep i have lost in the past 3 years of college. speaking of college...i am anxious to go back to school. like i said before, i plan to do things differently this year. i really need insurance...didnt really realize how important it was until i got sick. plus...i need to go to the dentist...im tryin to get rid of my wisdom teeth before they hurt. next...im still on ice...aint shit changed. i think its gettin worse. im just really tired....tired of doin shit that doesnt benefit me. i have never been self centered but dammit it seems like i should be cuz no one is goin to do shit for me but me. is it beneficial to do shit for other people...i mean really? its like the more you do and the more you give....the more they want and the more they expect. i feel like i have nike prints on my back. and what have they done for me?? not a damn thing. i need to go to bed before i flip the fuck out....i have entirely too much on my brain and its makin me more irritable than usual. miss irritable aka cream.....out.

on ice....retreatism at its best.......i have been writin all day....every chance i have had....i have had a pen in my hand. i have reached an all time temperature low....da kid is cold as hell. my tolerance level is -1,000,000. i really not in the mood for shit right now. im not goin to bitch about the same shit i have been bitchin about....its obvious that shit aint changin so dammit i am. NEXT....love can be the most beautiful process in the world and it can be the most shitty feelin you eva felt in your life. when love is professed.....its nothin but words. but when love is a verb....and not just a damn word....and it is SHOWN....that is the beautiful part. FUCK WORDS....SHOW ME. i really dont feel like writin on here...just needed to get that out. MAKE LOVE A VERB....cream out.

blonde ambition.....when me, woo, and the kids went to the park....i sat on a bench and meditated. its been so long....2 years to be exact....and it felt so good. i find myself gettin back to me...back to when i did what the hell i wanted to do and was at peace. that is the best feeling in the world. when i meditated, a lot of things that i was thinking about became clearer to me. first of all, i have wasted too much of my life worrying about things that dont matter. i keep planning and trying to prepare for the future and get over my past....and forgetting the present. i cant control what happens or what other people do....i am my only concern. thought i learned that lesson....guess not huh. i feel my heart gettin colder....every ounce of caring and compassion i have is easing out of me. i dont know if its a healthy feelin.....but thats where i am at right now. next...me and woo went to a friend's get together at a bar. yo...we looked like the odd couple. i had on a peasant shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and flip flops with little heels. my fro was out tho. it has gotten soooo big. i was surprised when i picked it out. woo had on a a tan dress shirt with some echo jeans and tims. she had her locs wrapped. one reason why i like connecticut is the people dont look at me like i am a damn alien. at home, they would have stopped and stared. people look at me all the time...but here, they dont stare at me. we enjoyed ourselves....woo drank a cup of beer for $5 and wanted to puke afterwards. i drank a tropical martini....i was a good girl. i try not to drink around people i dont know very well. i tend to get bolder when i drink...if ya think im blunt now...just imagine me drinkin. if i am harsh now....just imagine what i dont say until i drink. i might slap a bitch when i am drunk. anyway, after that, we rode around and talked for a while and then we went to barnes and noble. i saw soooo many books that i want. my bookshelf is goin to be full when i move. i need to eat and take care of woo....she fell down the basement steps. i gotta pamper her tonight...i need a glass of merlot....quand serai-t-je choye?.....il jamais arrivera? peace.......cream out.

tgif....today has been ok so far. got my first check....well it was cash...but yall get it. i have money yo...plus my check from school will be here tomorrow. yo, i am goin to have money. i am so friggin happy. i am not goin to let anything piss me off today...i dont care how many tudes get popped my way....ima let them roll off my back like water off of a ducks ass. *** todays outlook: ***fuck yo cuss menetin smelly ass tude cuz cream is in a peachy ass mood, fuck da dumb shit cuz cream doesnt have time for it, fuck ya issues cuz cream could care less, fuck ya drama cuz cream only cares about the bold and the beautiful not yo shit, and fuck you again cuz i got money dammit. next...everybody keeps tellin me they miss me....i miss yall asses too. yall just dont know. i miss the laughter only a friend can induce....not sayin that i dont laugh now....its just me and my friends are silly as hell. so i dont feel uncomfortable bein silly with them...and believe me, i act a damn fool. their sense of humor is like mine....i have a weird sense of humor and so do they. like i said...i miss yall asses too. next...tonight i am gettin a bottle of merlot. it has been so long since i had one and dammit....i deserve a glass after all the shit i have been through since the last time i drank some. that is the only thing i can afford to splurge on cuz i have so many things that i need. i forgot a lot of stuff at home and i need some new stuff. mainly clothes...yo, i havent had new clothes in almost a year. aint that some shit?? i stay broke....thats about to change tho, cuz da kid is gettin a job while i am in school come hell or high water. i refuse to live how i have been livin for the past 4 years...struggling, barely makin it. fukka that. next....i hope i do something today....go somewhere, do some fun shit. tomorrow me and woo are workin in the restaurant i work at durin the week...but we get to keep all the profit. so hopefully, we will have some money in our pockets tomorrow. shit...i know i will. thats 3 sources of money in 2 days....all blessings from the most high. my only day off is goin to be on sunday. oh well....im makin money. this post is hella long so......cream got da money.....dolla dolla bills yall....out.

surprise, surprise.....yo...last night was.....last night was tight. i got a foot massage until i dozed off then it started lightning. i am so fuckin shook of lightning. anywhoo, woo laid on my tummy and held me and.....things started happening. we went out to our spot and we could hear the rain so clear, like we were outside yo. it was thundering and lightning and the rain was fallin and she was holdin me....damn damn damn. it was so beautiful....for the time it lasted. we always get interrupted somehow....always. neva fails. we were talkin about gettin a room this weekend....that would be so wonderful....no kids, no phone, no interruptions....just me and her. today she took me to this park and it was beautiful. she has been so attentive the past 2 days.....she still has that smart ass mouth and she still is an asshole....but i see her tryin to do better. anyway, i could see me building my life here....which, right now, is what i am plannin on doin after i graduate. i have been workin at this restaurant for 2 weeks now....i am so proud of myself yo. cookin bacon, eggs, sausage, and grits every morning and servin assholes. its not my job at school....but i like it because it proves that i can do shit on my own....i can take care of myself. my determination to make it is soooo strong yo. i will not lose....i refuse. aight...gotta go tend to woo...peace....madame cream out.

dive deep....sittin here...listenin to billie and the rain outside...in my solitude...thinkin...decided to write. today was cool.....i was tired as hell at work cuz i was up all night twistin woo's new growth. she had about an inch of new growth...damn shame. yo, right now...i am sittin here salty as hell....my bitterness towards my father is comin back.....i havent heard from him in 2 months....i hung up on him the last time he called. things got loud....i felt myself about to cry....so i hung up. that doesnt stop me from bein bothered by the situation. i think about it and i get teary eyed....insha'allah....my children will not feel this way ever. next....i want to light some incense, put on some coltrane, lay in the dark.....and have a deep conversation....i want to release all these feelins i have been havin. i want to be listened to....comforted....hugged....loved. i want to feel comfortable....talkin, sharin my feelins....cryin...laughin. i want to hear "baby, its gon be aight." and feel that shit in my soul when the words are spoken. i want to be appreciated for the nurturing, attentive womyn i am....i have realized that what i want and what i have dont always meet. peace......cream out.