so much to say. so much on my mind. i don't really know where to begin. i dont want to well, my mother's heart is not doing well. she is now an insulin dependent diabetic. Ive been taking care of her since my birthday. i had to buy her food once we found out her sugar was all outta wack. i took a couple of days off to make sure she was ok and then she got a bad cold. its hard for her to fight a cold so she ended up in the hospital for 2 days. the doctors are trying to put something in her chest that will help her heart when it starts puttering. her heart beats and then kinda putts, if that makes sense. she doesn't have a strong, consistent, beat. Ive had to take my niece to school, cook, clean, and basically take care of her like a child. i do it because i love my mother. sometimes i wish i had some damn help tho. my brother is doing his own thing. he doesn't like being at home because his wife is there. smh. there goes my help. his wife just sits and complains about their relationship all damn day. again....no help. my mom's boyfriend helps me cook but that's about it. sometimes i feel like I'm not doing enough. the house isn't clean enough...i could have picked up some more fruit for my mom at the grocery store....i could sit out in the living room and watch TV with her. i feel like my needs and my wants aren't important anymore. hell, they weren't really important to begin with. as I'm writing this, tears are falling and it feels good. i have not been able to cry since my father died. my life has been different since July 2009. its like that's when everything started....my bill problems, my mom's health started deteriorating, my brother started acting a damn fool and his marriage went downhill. i see a light at the end of the tunnel its just taking so damn long to get to it.