everytime i think we are getting ahead, something happens to yank my ass backwards. i slowly see myself backing away from u. i feel like i cant trust you. as much as i want to let this go, i cant. i just know that it cant keep going on like this. ive already taken so much. my will to fight for this is diminishing.

there is something about feeling like you are at your lowest point that always inspires something creative. i knew i needed to write when the tears didnt come anymore and my mind has come to the conclusion that there needs to be some change very soon. this past year ive done some things that i thought i would never do. have experienced some things i never imagined id experience. the important thing is, ive decided some changes need to be made before i self destruct.

*knockin the dust offa the mic* sup yall? no one is probably reading this anymore since i update when i fuckin feel like it which is slim to none. ive come to a point in my life where emotionally, i feel like im back at the place i was when i first started this blog. im ready to say fuck it all and just leave. fuck everything. then i thought about how writing literally saved my life then. so, im gonna give this shit a go...again. ive changed. my environment has changed. so, this blog may not be the same read as it was back then. anyway. ill be here sooner than you may think. peace and love, prolific.

so much to say. so much on my mind. i don't really know where to begin. i dont want to well, my mother's heart is not doing well. she is now an insulin dependent diabetic. Ive been taking care of her since my birthday. i had to buy her food once we found out her sugar was all outta wack. i took a couple of days off to make sure she was ok and then she got a bad cold. its hard for her to fight a cold so she ended up in the hospital for 2 days. the doctors are trying to put something in her chest that will help her heart when it starts puttering. her heart beats and then kinda putts, if that makes sense. she doesn't have a strong, consistent, beat. Ive had to take my niece to school, cook, clean, and basically take care of her like a child. i do it because i love my mother. sometimes i wish i had some damn help tho. my brother is doing his own thing. he doesn't like being at home because his wife is there. smh. there goes my help. his wife just sits and complains about their relationship all damn day. again....no help. my mom's boyfriend helps me cook but that's about it. sometimes i feel like I'm not doing enough. the house isn't clean enough...i could have picked up some more fruit for my mom at the grocery store....i could sit out in the living room and watch TV with her. i feel like my needs and my wants aren't important anymore. hell, they weren't really important to begin with. as I'm writing this, tears are falling and it feels good. i have not been able to cry since my father died. my life has been different since July 2009. its like that's when everything started....my bill problems, my mom's health started deteriorating, my brother started acting a damn fool and his marriage went downhill. i see a light at the end of the tunnel its just taking so damn long to get to it.