dammit, i need to write. everytime i feel like im losing what sanity i have left, i write. when things are well, i dont. sucks but its true. i have decided to start writing again not only because it makes me feel better but because when i leave this earth, i want something that my child (most high willing i have one) and my family can read. i know a lot of it might be kinda crazy to them but i feel like no one truly knows me. i am so damn guarded with my feelings. i dont let people in. i need to get disciplined when it comes to my life. i feel like ive wasted so much time. i am full of good ideas but i lack discipline and i dont DO. i am going to work on that. i dont even know where to begin. my father passed away on 7-24-2009. im still not over it. i think thats going to take a while. i am not only hurt, im angry. my brain is telling me its futile to be angry with someone that is no longer on this earth. at the funeral, i felt like the person they were talking about was a stranger. his wife made it all about him and her. like me and my brother did not exist. when i was sitting there, i felt like he went on with his life as if his wife's family was his family and me and my brother did not happen. then, i find out from my aunt that his wife cremated him and didnt bother to tell me. if i had went into that church expecting to see a body and there wasnt one, i woulda spazzed. his ashes werent even at the funeral. i called her the day before the funeral and told her how i felt. i wasnt disrespectful but i got my point across. i havent talked to her since the funeral. doubt that i will ever talk to her or his family again. next...my relationship. i entered a committed relationship on 6/29/2009. its been cool. ive been in a bunch of long distance relationships so its been kinda weird having someone close to me. one issue im having is trust. its so damn hard for me to trust anyone. ive never had anyone in my life that i have totally trusted. i am suspicious of people in general. anyway, she told me that she totally trusts me. on a scale of 1-10, i trust her about a 4. trust is going to take some time. i still have my guard up. i dont think ive fully trusted anyone i have ever dated. they all did things that made me feel like they couldnt be given a lot of trust. with her, we have been together and she cheated on me before. so thats a huge trust issue right there. i'm working on it. i just have some other peeves she doesnt really know about.

spring....where to begin? so much has happened but then again, a lot hasnt. ive become a lot more adventurous. more outgoing. more restless. once i got my own car, i feel like i sprouted wings. i bought a 2005 cadillac cts, black on black. i named her baby. the car note kicks my ass but its worth it. its nice to be able to get up and go whenever i feel like it and not have a time limit on anything. i can get in my car and just ride out when i feel like it. most of the time, i just drive to the country to see buddy. that 30 minute ride is like therapy for me. i turn my music up and open my sunroof, and sing to the top of my lungs. the ride is gorgeous. its a bunch of trees and farms but its beautiful. once i get out of the city, it smells different. since its spring time, you can smell honeysuckles in the air. there are these little white flowers that are on the side of the road all the time and i LOVE the way they smell. don't know the name of them. they make me sneeze but they smell wonderful. at the end of last month, me and the fam went to see my father. his girlfriend called me and told me that he isnt doing well. he has liver cancer and his doctors have basically told him that there is nothing more they can do for him. i hadnt talked to him in about a week so me and ma called him. when he answered the phone, he didnt even sound like himself. his speech was slurred. ma started crying. i couldnt believe that. anyway, we all (me, ma, my brother, and his wife) decided to drive up there and see him. if we didnt do it right away, we might not have gotten to see him alive again. his girlfriend told me he didnt look the same and when i saw him i wasnt going to recognize him. so, we finally get to his house which by the way i had never been to. we walk in and there is his mother. *sigh* i dont know if i have written about his mother before but just in case i havent, i dont like her. i dont have any desire to talk to her or have a relationship with her. thats a long story that ill write about one day (if i havent already). anyway, we sit down and he walks in. i immediately get teary eyed. he was frail looking. i know he has lost at least 60 lbs. my father looked healthy the last time i saw him. he barely has meat on his bones now. he looked like walking death. so, everybody talks and stuff. his mother didnt make an attempt to have a conversation with me. i think my father's girlfriend told her how i felt (like i give a damn). she was all on my brother and his wife....talkin about having more great grandchildren. hell, she didnt treat us like grandchildren so why should i expect her to do anything for her great grandchildren? like i said, i dont particularly care for her. i dont know how i feel about my father dying. im upset because i thought that one day we would establish a relationship where we would get to know each other more, talk on the phone, visit each other, and all the stuff that fathers and daughters are supposed to do. i thought one day he would come to his senses and realize how much he missed out on and make it a point not to miss anything else. now, cancer is taking that away from me. i cant be mad at myself because i have tried over and over and over again to establish a relationship between us. it was him who didnt work with me. so, i have a little anger because of that. i dont want him to hurt regardless of what has happened between us. he looked like he was in a lot of pain but was trying to put on a strong face for me and my brother. yesterday, i talked to my father's girlfriend and the doctors told her that they think he will live for about 2 more weeks. he is barely talking. most of the time, he is asleep. im glad that i got to see him when he was doing just a little bit better. im trying to mentally prepare myself for the phone call. maybe it wont hurt so bad. next....the kitchen. my brother's wife caught the kitchen on fire. how you ask? she was heating grease for some fries and went in my room to get on myspace. smh. no stove. house smelled like smoke. the insurance company sent a cleaning crew and the smell is pretty much gone. im so tired of eating fast food. if i dont eat fast ever again in life, i wouldnt mind it. we are supposed to be getting a new stove, cabinets, and floor for our kitchen. i know the home owner's insurance is going to go up but it will be my brother's wife's responsibility. im just thankful that no one was hurt. next...i have started a new blog that i may add to this one. more details as it gets closer to launch. thats enough for now. i feel like ive written a mini-novel. in a minute....i promise....peace and love....prolific out.

....im at work counting down my last 30 minutes until i can drive away. today was an aight day. hell, it could have been a lot worse. i was at my least favorite place doing my least favorite thing. i dont dig listening to people bitch and whine about stupid stuff. anyway, i got some audio books from the library and have been in literary bliss. i have requested all of eric jerome dickey's books so i can listen to them while im writing or while im at work. ive read them all but listening to them makes me feel like i didnt read them. audio books are the shat.

i'm in a real quiet mood. i really have more to write than to say. last night, i laid in my bed and thought about my life, the people in it, and what direction its going. my mother almost left this earth last week. that experience has had a huge effect on me. lately, ive been very reserved regarding my feelings. guess it was easier to just go with the flow and to rock the boat. i had problems (what i thought were problems) already and i didnt want to create more. ive realized that all the shit i was stressin about didnt fuckin matter.

tears....work. write. photograph. study. read. thats what ive been doing. im in the beginning stages of writing a novel and a book of poetry. im studying photography so i can get better at it and put a portfolio together. im reading more books so i that i can know what to do and not to do with my book. plus, i needed to get my brain back into shape. i hadnt been exercising it. sad, but true. im slowly becoming more disciplined. its taking time but im getting there. my goal is to set a bedtime and a waking time and actually stick with it. i also want to get on a schedule so that i can have more free time. sounds crazy but it makes sense in my head. im also thinking about conceiving a child next year. i have to get my health and finances in order first. im definitely going to write a lot once i start the process. the last time i tried, i was a mess afterwards. i was a recluse. this time im doing a lot more research about the whole pcos thing. i want to make sure i do whatever to make sure i have a healthy baby. im scared in a way because i dont want to set myself up like ive done in the past. ive gotten excited to discover i wasnt prego. at least now i know why i wasnt getting pregnant. work. i fuckin hate it with every cell in my body. not the job itself, the people i work with. i bust my ass every damn day for what? not a damn thing. its not like i can get promoted but yet im expected to know every damn thing and do every thing. in 2009, i will find a better job. i dont care if i have to work daylight hours. as long as i make the same or more money than i make now and i have some damn benefits, im there. its been 3 years too fuckin long. i know that i can do so much better than this. sooo much better. i got a college education and no criminal record. how many mofos can say that? i know that if i plan to have a child, i need to be somewhere better than this. its even affecting my health. i didnt have chest pains and migraines until i started working here. damn shame. like i said, 2009 is going to be different. it has to be....even if its just for my sanity. life. my mother is in the hospital. she has more fluid around her heart and she has pneumonia. i have faith that she will get better soon even tho i have been fighting tears all day. she hates being in the hospital but im glad she is there. she needs someone looking after her. she hasnt been breathing right for more than a week. now that she is in the hospital, she can get all the treatment she needs. tonight is her first night in the hospital and i miss her like crazy. i wish that i could take all the sickness in her body and put it in mine. i believe im strong enough to fight it. she has been fighting for years. im in a mood and im tired so thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and doin big in 2009....prolific out.