sunrise.....when i was younger, i used to have vivid dreams, dreams that would wake me and have me sittin on the edge of the bed until sunrise. i always dream in color....never had a black and white dream. always bright colors. i think its that way to make me remember whatever it was i dreamed about. im like the 3 generations of women before me....a woman that dreams about things to come. im no where near psychic but i will say when i dream about someone, usually its a sign that bullshit is involved. ive never dreamed about someone i actually KNOW doing something fucked up and i didnt find out that they were on some bullshit. that being said, here i am at sunrise writing because i just had 2 vivid ass dreams. dreams with colors that screamed at me. dreams that woke me up both physically and mentally. i am imperfect. im 50 pounds past thick, sensitive as hell at times, stubborn, anti-social, etc. ill never say im perfect but i am the complete package. im intelligent...i have a good conversation, a good job, grade A top of the line pussy...the woman that will allow you to be you, imperfections and all because thats what makes us all human right? the woman that is understanding of time demands because hell, i have my own, i work and i write. the woman that has to have music and a pen and a notebook in her life or she would go insane. the woman that knows the difference between rap and hip hop. the woman that can hold her liquor and doesnt do any other drugs. the woman that will only allow you in her space and introduce you to the loves of her life, her family, if and only if you fit the bill. the woman that will fuck you like a whore and fix you a sunday dinner afterwards....and you gon front on this shit here nigga? this shit here....nigga....this shit right here? hmmmph. true indeed, they were only just dreams but the signs have BEEN there and the signs all lead to bullshit. this is why i have a glacier where my heart used to be. fuck an icebox omarion, those shits can be defrosted. i will not allow myself to be disrespected over and over. after awhile, it makes it acceptable to be disrespectful because hey....she'll always be there. well, no the fuck i wont. that shit is for birds and that im clearly not. id rather lonely, in my solitude, than be treated less than what i deserve and accept bullshit for the sake of having somebody to talk to. it was once said by black thought that "things fall apart". damn right they do. in a minute....peace and the horizon....prolific out.

quiet......im lonely. i finally admitted it to myself. every night for the past 2 weeks, i make excuses for not going to bed. id rather bullshit on the internet, play the sims, rearrange shit that doesnt need to be rearranged in my room, basically make up shit to do....id rather do all that than go to lay in an bed by myself. i thought it might have been my bed...maybe its too hard or maybe i need more lavender in my sheets or maybe i need new sheets. i bought a feathertop for my mattress, new sheets that i sprinkled with lavender powder and i still couldnt sleep. something still wasnt right. i still laid in the bed with my mind racing and my eyes wide open. it wasnt until tonight that it finally hit me. i was layin in my bed after i made myself go to bed because playing on the internet was down right boring and the sims didnt seem too enticing at the moment....i laid there with my eyes open like i normally do and there was a pillow next to me. one of those big firm pillows. i laid my head on it and started to cry. i dont remember the last time i shared my bed with someone. im not even talkin about sex....thats the last thing on my mind actually. im talking about laying in the bed talking...bodies touching...not all sexual either...like, her feet on mine or my head on her shoulder. i miss that. i miss intimacy. again, not that sexual shit, although its quite nice. i want to be held, be kissed, hugged. i want to hear someone breathing beside me in my bed besides my damn dog. i want to have deep late night, early morning conversations until one of us starts dozing off. i want a reason to pop the tags off the new satin nightgowns i bought and not continue to wear the big cotton nightgowns that i wear night after night. i want the scent of someone other than myself on my sheets. i want to stop crying right now. i admit it, im lonely. in a minute....peace and quiet....prolific out.

star......today is the day my mother evicted me from her body by drinking a couple of bottles of castor oil. lmao. i have a picture of her holding me...i couldnt have been more than a couple of weeks old. i had on a pink and white shirt that said "a star is born". i think my momma was psychic cuz the world hasnt been the same since. wow....26. i never thought past 21 but here i am, 26 years young. ive been through so much, wasted so much time on things that dont matter, cried til my eyes were swollen, laughed until i damn near peed on myself, loved, been hurt, hurt people, been afraid....and im still here. i was sitting here thinking about what this day means and all i can come up with is change. im older now, gotta stop letting my fears keep me from living my dreams. i dont want to be 36 in the same position im in now. i havent been living up to my potential and i have no one to blame but myself. it doesnt matter because of course, the future is now. i keep hearin my buddy dawn tell me that ima star. the world just doesnt know it yet but trust and believe, they will. 25 was a learning experience, 26 will be the genesis of my celebrity and success. ive decided to distance myself from a couple of people this year. its necessary in order for me to grow to distance myself from people that have leech-like behavior, hurt me, or are just takin up space. why keep people around when their presence doesnt benefit you and most of the time only either gets on your nerves or hurts you? makes no sense to me. next.....i did most of my celebrating this weekend. friday night, me, friskins, and dubb went to macados as usual. the only difference is, i drank a long beach ice tea, vodka and cranberry, and vodka and orange juice. i was fuuuuuuucked up. according to dubb, i almost walked into a wall. i had so much fun tho. i sang "i touch myself" lmaooo. friskins sang "500 miles". i think thats the name of that damn song. anyway, i came home and passed the hell out. saturday night, me and the crew went to buffalo wild wings. i drank a blackberry lifesaver and a cosmo. i was behaving last night until dubb decided to go to the club. it was lame as ever. sad situation. friskins got harassed by a white butchy lookin chic. she held on to me like i was jesus the entire night. there werent any cute chics there, of course. i wish i knew where all the black lesbians are hiding around here. well....its not like i would have a lot to do with their lame asses tho. these dum dums around here make me wanna scream. if i find an intellectual around here, ill be a happy woman. aight, i gotta go to work on my birthday. *sigh* in a minute....peace and growth....prolific out.