lime green with no seeds.......friday, i did something real damn stupid. i got upset, let my emotions get the best of me, and i got drunk. i was upset, hurt, and frustrated all at the same time. i know...it was dumb as hell...how is drinking going to make me feel any better?? it damn sure didnt...i dont know what happened but i was throwing up from 2am saturday morning until 2pm saturday afternoon. i have drank a lot more than i did on friday many times and that shit never happened to me. i couldnt keep anything down. i even threw up water. gross huh? i felt like shit all damn day....all because i let my emotions get the best of me. i learned my lesson, trust. from now on, when something is bothering me....ill just crochet or something. shit....being upset and emotional gave me the bright ideas to start smoking and get drunk. i have made a vow to myself not to do either one again. all i do is end up hurting myself...and what does that solve? not a damn thing. shit ends up being more fucked up than when i got upset. smh...anyway. i have done a lot of thinking and evaluating this weekend. the only conclusion i have come up with is....i cant go on this way. i cant keep doing what i am doing cuz im just going to keep getting what i have been getting......which is nothing but negativity.....negative thoughts, vibes, and emotions. ill build more on that later....im going for a walk. in a minute......peace.....cream out.

spirits.......frustration, anger, and paul masson is a helluva combo. ill update tomorrow....most high willing. in a minute...cream out.

its a celebration bitches.......ya like the new layout??? it took me a minute to change up but it happened....finally. i wasnt really feeling the last one....it was too...i dont know. anyway, life has been cool. my valentine's day was a bit lonely, but i was used to it. its not like i have been with (physically) anybody on valentine's day in a longgggg time. i chilled in my room, drank some paul masson, and watched tv. woo sent me flowers and a naughty kit that smelled sooo damn good. im going to save the body dust and the kissing oil for our next visit. *thinking naughty thoughts* next....i cut 2 inches of my hair last night. it felt really good. thats 2 inches closer to the naps. i have about an inch and a half of new growth. i keep seein pics of womyn with nice fros and its making me wish my hair would hurry up and grow 5 or 6 inches. everything comes in its time so ill be waiting. i cant seem to do anything with it tho. its been in a ponytail for friggin ever. i tried twisting it and then rolling it with perm rods and the result was horrible, to say the least. i have to find something to do to it before i start cutting it some more. next...i sent woo a big box of candy for valentine's day. i really didnt know what to get her at first but then i thought about it....that womyn loves candy. she has a sweet tooth from hell. its messed up that she is a diabetic cuz she loves sweets. i filled the box with her favorite candy and she should get it on tuesday. i also sent myf amily a box. i sent gooty a care bear, 2 coloring books, and some gummy bears. i sent my mother and my brother cds and some other crap. i just wanted my niece to have that damn bear. i love her like she is my child. speaking of children, the topic keeps coming up about me having children. sometimes i can picture myself with a couple of kids and sometimes i cant. i dont have a lot of patience and i know that if i have a child, i will definitely need patience. then, more than likely, i would be living the life of a single parent. i know woo would be involved but she has 2 children of her own. the child's father would have some role in the child's life....but the way men are nowadays, i dont know. its not like me and him would be "together" in any way except for the benefit of the child. i have had someone tell me that he would impregnate me but im not sure how that whole situation would go. its a longggg way down the road so i really shouldnt be putting so much thought into it right now. the thoughts just seem to cross my mind every now and then....especially when i see my niece. next....i forgot to mention that i saw my father when i was waiting for my train in dc. i called him...not expecting him to come....and he came. shocked the hell out of me. anyway, he wanted me to go to his girlfriend's house with him.....i said no. its not like i didnt want to be around him...i just didnt feel comfortable leaving the train station with him. we sat and talked about everything under the sun. the more i looked at him, the more i saw me and my brother. i have his nose and his ears. i even have some of his mannerisms.....we both bite our bottom lip when we are thinking....just to name one. my brother has his eyes, the way his face is shaped, and the same build. i enjoyed sitting and talking to him and when he was about to leave me, he hugged me, and he had tears in his eyes. i was like.....damn. i guess seeing me grown up made him feel some kinda way. i didnt cry...actually, it was easy to say goodbye. speaking of goodbyes....i didnt get to kiss my baby goodbye. as soon as she helped me get my suitcase on the train, it started moving. she had to literally jump out of the train on some stunt shit. so, i didnt get to kiss her goodbye, hug her goodbye, nothing. i cried myself to sleep on the train after we got off the phone. when she came here in november, i cried myself to sleep when she left me. its funny how i can say goodbye to my father with ease, but when it comes to woo......its really painful. like i said, i have never loved someone so strongly in my life. anyway....damn this is a long ass post. im takin my ass to sleep....i got 4 classes tomorrow. oh yeah....if you didnt see last wednesday's episode of dave chapelle when he was impersonating rick james.....you need to find it and watch it. its the funniest episode i have seen. aight now.....in a minute....peace......im cream.....bitch....out.

blahhhhh......my trip was cool....i had fun. the train was cool. the way up there was horrible. i was nervous, cold, and frustrated. my train was delayed and then it didnt have any heat or a working bathroom. it sucked ass. i had to stay in penn station in ny for 4 hours....penn station sucked ass. i got to ct 4 hours late. i was so damn happy to get off of that damn train. my baby was standing at the top of the steps waiting for me. i was too damn tired to jump on her. we had so much fun together. i havent laughed that much in a while. everytime we get together, we laugh. we are both goofy as hell. i washed her locs and twisted her new growth. she looks amazing when she gets her hair done. i cant wait to do it regularly. everytime to see her, i learn more about her. anyway...i picked out my engagement ring while i was there. now i realize it was all a set up. i saw the ring she had her eye on...it was beautiful yo. i got fitted for it...my ring finger is a size 9. i have long thick fingers...hehehe. well, today, she showed me the ring she got. it wasnt the ring she showed me....this mofo is more beautiful than the first. i was cheesin like hell when she showed it to me on cam. damn...im fittna be a murried womyn and dammit that feels good. she gets on my damn nerves sometimes.....a thousand times a day....but i luh her bossy, attitude poppin, spoiled, ass. next...when i was in ct, i bought a notebook and 3 red pens. im trying to spark my writing again. so far, i have a bunch of doodles on the first page. ill have something worth posting eventually. i have a bunch of ideas but nothing put together. they are all scattered pieces of future poems. okkkk, im gettin sleepy. in a minute....peace....cream out.