when it hurts so bad.......damn....i miss lauryn hill. i wish i had her cd right about now....i loaned my mother one of my cd books and my lauryn cd was in there. anyway.....i am chillin at my desk....smokin a black and sippin on a glass of paul masson. i got a lot on my mind...here is a little of it. i have developed some unhealthy habits...smoking being one. i would have never thought in a million zillion years that i would smoke. i have thought abuot where these habits came from and i can only come up with 1 reason....stress. da kid stays stressed. if its not one thing, its another. good days are coming fewer and fewer at a time. the big question is...whats bringing me the most stress? i thought about it for about 2 hours and i still cant come up with just 1 thing. tonight, i layed on my floor and i asked the most high to give me guidance and strength to do what i need to do. i have never felt like this before...so confused and frustrated at the same time. i feel myself distancing myself from everyone, including my fam. when i shit gets really bad, i call someone. im trying to reach out to them....trying to let them in on this thing im going through....but nobody reaches for my hand. i think its best just to keep my distance.....that same hand that i am using to reach out can hold me up to keep me from fallin on my ass. next.....i picked up my train tickets tonight. it snowed and sleeted all day so the roads were slick. diallo took me to get my tickets and i was scared as hell. people were sliding all over the street....i saw a big dodge pickup truck sliding down the street and it eventually hit a pole. im staying my ass in my room all day tomorrow if things are not better than what they were. back to my tickets....i got them and it felt so weird. this is going to be my first trip by myself. i am trying to keep any pessimistic thoughts out of my head....i tend to think that way. im going up there to enjoy myself for a couple of days. i hope i do. so much has changed since i last saw woo...ive been thinking about that a lot. we are going to have to sit down and talk about a lot of issues. there is a lot that we need to discuss before i move there. next.....my mind is starving for something new. of course its getting fed with all my school crap. but damn...its like eating cafeteria food every damn day....some days, you want some red lobster, applebees, chillis, ruby tuesday.....ya feel me? i feel like i have been eating cafeteria food every day for 6 months. i want some real food dammit. ok....im going to read some of audre lorde's poetry and go to bed. in a minute......peace and nappiness......cream out.