toy story.....thoughts.....nothing but the sound of us breathing...trying to get my thoughts together....to find the right words to say how i feel....cuz i feel so many things at 1 time...but of course you already know that. today i sould like a scratched cd...can i be in your top 3...just for 1 day...nah, im fibbing....more than 1 day...i feel pushed aside like old toys on christmas day. call me back...ill call you back...snores...tears...and silence. i feel frustration, anger, and irritation all at the same time cuz i want some attention...some compassion...some open ears with an alert mind. everyday its a struggle....i want to see you...feel you...smell you...next to me...due to the long distance...i can only touch you mentally and this ringing piece of plastic is all i have. damn.

sittin here....eatin cold hot wings.....knowing i shouldnt...but fuck it. i feel like it dammit. i will be fasting this weekend. my body needs a break.

inconsistencies.......so far, this week has been pretty cool. i cooked for a bunch of football players, went to the gym, and ate korean food for the first time. things are going cool. what i want to touch on right now is something that has been on my mind for a minute. ive been getting angry a lot lately....and thats not like me. usually...it takes a lot to tic me off but recently...it doesnt take as much. my patience with people and my tolerance for bullshit is extremely low. if you dont have your shit right....step. what it all boils down to is this....i want to be treated how i treat other peeps. everybody that knows me knows that i am a very loyal friend. i will give you my last and do almost anything in my power for you if you are my friend. my word is blood....and if by chance i cant do whatever i said i was....you will know and i will do it at my earliest convenience. im a strong believer in "dont make excuses....make arrangements". do what the fuck you say you are going to do. that is one of my biggest pet peeves yo....people that dont do what they say they are going to do. *insert mean face here* as of late....peeps that i thought were down for me....turn out to be spurious as hell. now, i know why my grandma says "your best company is your own" really...to be totally honest...i am tired of people, period. i think it i expect too much...much more than people can or will give for that matter. if you are my friend....i consider you my fam. my friends know who they are....if i havent spoken with you recently....you arent my friend. so get on like ya been shit on. i dont want to hear about your issues...your drama...your bullshit....your life. i dont want to hear shit from you. aight? now step. next...the internet. same shit...different toilet. thats why i havent been posting a lot. i sound very gelid right now....really im not. im just tired yall. tired of people and the bullshit that comes with them and the internet. ok...im takin my ass to bed...i gotta get up at 6:30 to go to the gym. *thought* are there any real peeps left? in a minute...peace...cream out.

you're only a day away.......today was cool until i got to my damn statistics class. i hate that damn class. anyway....i wasnt there last week (its a once a week class)....i knew we had an exam today....i looked over my notes....and i still did bad. i forgot my calculator....had to run alllll the way back to my dorm to get it. i did horrible on that exam. next....woo told me that she would call me around 7:45...well, it was damn near 10:00 and she hadnt called me. my friend called me and asked did i want to go to walmart and since i wasnt doing a damn thing, i said ok. she takes all damn day....then on the way home, she damn near kills me. she turns right on red and a car skidded and almost hit us. i was so fuckin heated.....if that car had waited 2 seconds more to stop....i would be in a hospital somewhere. i finally got home and called woo. her daughter picked up the phone and wouldnt give it to her....so i know woo was sleep because if she wasnt, she would have answered the phone. i hung up. i call back around 15 minutes later...finally got to talk to woo and told her how my day was and attempted to hear about hers. so, im telling her about my day and she falls asleep. i havent talked to her all day....and when i finally get to talk to her, she falls asleep...then gets a damn attitude with me because i get upset because she is not talking to me. all i want is a conversation. after the day ive had.....i need a conversation with some substance....some encouragement....some laughter....some love. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

all cried out.......this weekend was.....stressful. i havent cried so much in a long time. i had been holding in so much and i couldnt take it anymore. i dont know when i will see woo again.....its looking like sometime in december. me not having my license and a car is putting a strain on me. i have to depend on other people and i really hate that. i want to see her so bad....its been 2 months. we talked about it yesterday and i cried like a damn baby. there is no compromise...she is tired of driving, i cant miss class, she isnt coming here, and im not coming there. i could....on the 30th of this month.....i could even pay for half of her plane ticket if she wanted to come here....but thats another issue. next....its 11:59 pm and i want a conversation. after dealing with idiots that call themselves college students all day, i want a real conversation. i want to talk....i want to be talked to. i want to listen....i want to be listened to. but where am i......in front of my computer with no one to talk to. nothing but the hum of my fan and the clicking of my keys. i could IM one of my peeps from yahoo or aim....but i dont want to. i dont want to hear about anybody's issues or give anybody advice....i just want an easy conversation. i want to tell someone how my day was and hear how their day went. i want to talk about something with some substance. basically.....da kid needs some verbal attention. next...i have decided not to pursue the job i was talking about....any job that says i have to miss a whole week of school cant be good. school comes first. so, im going to the little career services building and see what they can do for me. all i know is i need a job. i have money left from my refund check....but i know its not going to last forever. next...i have also decided to *ahem* go on a diet and establish a workout routine. i looked at myself when i was walking by a big window....i saw my reflection and i couldnt believe it was me. i have let myself go for entirely too long. i have tried almost everything to lose weight and either it didnt work or i didnt stick with it. one or the other. now, i have to because i feel every ounce of positive self image that i have...going away. ok...im so bored that i am gettin sleepy. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

i conjured this in the shower.....as i am.....baby, i love you as you are....from the golden frizz that stands like marine on your head to the toe on your left foot that you call decrepit....but its aight with me....you dont look like beyonce or ashanti....nor do you want to....you accept and love yourself for you and i love you....as you are. those child bearing hips that can birth tribes....the gap between your teeth that you stick the tip of your tongue in when you're vexxed....the tears you shed when your upset....the processes in your cerebral cortex...i love you....as you are. ill worship you like buddha...adorn your stretch marks with precious jewels because they are pathways to your heart...bow down and kiss your feet because you truly are a goddess...a rose amongst dandelions....a queen amongst chickenheads...even your flaws are beautiful...and i love you...as you are. © cream baby, 2003

happy birthday......1 year ago, today, i got up the idea to start my own weblog. so much has happened since then....some good, some bad, but i have learned from all of it. hopefully, i can get the archive link fixed so peeps that havent been around since conception can read the old posts. honesty, i didnt think that i would stick with it....im easily bored. it has been my venting spot. thank everybody that reads my thoughts and my ramblings. yall need to stop bein lurkers and comment. let me know whats on ya mind occasionally. next...i am coming down with a cold. my throat feels swollen....im sluggish and tired and basically i dont feel like doing shit. tgif!!! my plans for the evening are taking a shower and layin my ass in my bed. i cant afford to be sick....i have an interview on wednesday. pray for me....i need a job. i have already said when i get a job, i want to buy this, this, and a bunch of other gadgets. im startin to turn into a electronics fan thanks to woo. next...im still in a mood....its a little worse because im gettin a cold...maybe it will improve over the weekend. next...yo..i got my senior evaluation today. i walked in my advisor's office nervous as hell. he pulled out the paper that had every class i have ever taken and the classes i needed to take to finish. my magic number is 139. thats the number of credits i have to have to graduate...i have 92. which is a lot better than what i thought.....i have all of my general requirements out of the way.....most of my major's requirements done.....im 3 credits shy of completing my minor.....all i need is electives. so i have to take some classes not related to my major....which is fine with me. my advisor almost made me cry because he said that he was proud of me......ive come a long way. im almost done.....praise the most high. im proving so many people wrong. when i finally get my degree....damn yo....when i finally get it....im going to tell everybody that doubted me kiss mi rass. aight....im going to take a nap....peace...cream out.

here, my dear.......i am frustrated, irritated, and stressed. i want to get on a plane (i would get up enough bravery) and go somewhere....anywhere....peaceful. no worries, no stress, nothing but freedom. ive been in school for 3 weeks...and i am ready for it to be over with. i am burned out. my brain wants more....but my mind cant take anymore....feel me? i find myself holding my breath until the weekend and i know its not healthy.next...i stripped the rest of my perm out my hair is FINALLY natural. its been a long time coming but its finally here. i got stares and double takes today...all because of a damn fro. i could see if my hair was lime green...its just a damn fro people....glance and keep it movin. i took a quiz for my biology lab today and i got an A...yaaaayyy me. then i found out that one of my favorite artists is in the process of making his new album. glenn lewis is the bomb....if you dont have his album....you need to cop it. i listen to his cd regularly. ive been listening to marvin gaye's "hear my dear" album a lot too. that man was a genius...cop that album. next...to my peeps...if i am a bit anti-social...dont take it personally. i need a break....from everything. oh yeah...tomorrow is my blogs birthday....peace....cream out.

new du part deux.......its been a week.....i know. i decided that i wasnt goin to update until i got a new layout. i was on strike. i couldnt take it anymore.....the former layout was killin my eyes. it was so plain....so not...me. i worked kinda hard on this layout...still cant get my archives links to work (if anybody knows how...hit me up in the HOLLA commentary spot). let me know what you think about the new layout. next...my 2nd ex called me yesterday....twice. she was talkin the same bullshit...aint shit changed. woo called me right after me and her hung up. this is the 2nd time she has called me when something was wrong. i have never had a connection like that with someone outside of my fam before. its like, she knows without me saying anything. thats a beautiful thing. next...i am surrounded by children. well, thats what i get living in a dorm. its a bunch of 18 year olds around me...giggling, being childish and shit...i want to get a belt and whup all of their asses. i see why when i first came to college, upperclassman were surprised when i told them i was a freshman. these people are big ass kids. i want my own apartment bad. i need to hurry up and find a job...i gotta get to connecticut soon. i need a change of scenery already. im starting to get restless...its like, i am so easily bored and frustrated...dawn said i need to write....which is true cuz i have taken a LONG break from it. i gotta cut this short....i got a ton of things to do...ill holla...peace...cream out.

what a day...what a day.......today has been cool.....i chilled...didnt do much....found out i got a check for $1000.00. *cheesin* there is something that is on my mind.....so here it is.....me and woo were in the chatroom on bp....and someone says "lady_cream....dont i know you?" i look at the name....and i know who it is....my 2nd ex. just in case yall dont remember...she is the one that kept calling me after i told her to stop callin me cuz she couldnt respect my relationship. look in the archives....its there. anyway....a million and 1 things started running through my head cuz i hadnt seen her online and she hadnt called in a while. usually, she calls about every 2 months.....even tho i said not to call at all. anyway, she asked how i was and all that. woo was talking to someone else so she didnt notice. so, my ex asked me for my number. yo....i swear that i think she has my home phone number and my school phone number and she just asked me just to start shit. she told me that she had my addy and i remember writing my phone numbers on that exact piece of paper. none of that info has changed. anyway....woo im'ed me and asked who that was talking to me asking me how my fam was. when i told her....she flipped. she flipped in the damn chatroom. she called her by her name.....cussed her out.....called her all kinds of shit. everything that i told woo about her.....she said. all i could do was sit back with my mouth open. now that i have sat down and really thought about the situation.....im not bitter about what she did to me. she cheated on me....and that was that. me and her ended because the most high was going to bring woo into my life. i love woo.....more than she can ever imagine yo. i truly believe i have found my soulmate.....we may have little spats....but when the day is over with, thats still my wife. there is only 1 for me and that 1 is woo. now that i am not bitter, i want to ask my ex why she cheated on me. it may sound real damn stupid but i want to know why. i want to know why she did that to me after i had been nothing but nice to her? how could she touch me and tell me that she loved me and the next day, have sex with someone else? when i was talking to her in the chatroom, she said she has been through a whole lot but she didnt want to spill it all out in the chatroom. karma is a muhfucca aint it? about 5am this morning, my tia (my first ex) called me crying about some stuff that happened this weekend. regardless of what happened between us....we have remained friends. but yo.... i went through all this hurt and all this bullshit to find my soulmate. those 2 women put me through so much pain and bullshit yo....whether they know it or not....and i just want to know why. next.....back to my $1000 check....im finna buy every damn thing i need. keyword: need. ive learned from being broke dammit. anyway....im goin nite nite.....in a minute.....peace.....cream out.