sesa woruben......the past couple of days, we have been talking. the conversations are different....filled with laughter and uncomfortable bouts of silence after the mention of something we did when we were together. like the first day we met and i cooked for her and she fuuuuuuucked that chicken up...how nervous i was walking out of the bathroom in my 6 inch heels and my lace negligee....hoping that i wouldnt bust my ass. we have a love-hate relationship. sometimes i love her and sometimes i wanna judo chop her in the throat. i told her that an old aquaintance of hers has a mini-crush on me. at first, she was like "oh...fa real?" then, maybe 30 minutes and a couple of topics later, she brought it up again. her going on and on about it let me know that she still has feelings for me. i cant lie and say there arent any feelings in my heart for her because there will always be place in my heart for her. she knows more about me than anybody outside of my family. i just didnt think that she felt the same way about me. evolution always moves forward....ill neva go there again. next....remember all those chics i was talking to? well, the chic that played with her cooch on the phone was dismissed waaaaayyyyyy back. the young puerto rican was dismissed around the same time. the chic that i was feeling recently has gone stagnant. the chic in georgia is still around, barely. she is hanging on by a thread. the aquaintance of my ex's is real cool peeps but i dont see anything developing between us. i have a lil crush on someone who shall remain nameless. she intrigues me....makes me smile in the brief convos we have. next....ive been working out a lot lately. releasing all this frustration is a good thing. im tryin to get my body right for my health. im tryin to live to be in my 90's. i want to do everything that ive ever dreamed of. like 50 said "i gotta lotta livin to do before i die and i aint got time to waste" in a minute....peace and living it up....cream out.

uhhh.....ok......at the present time, im at my lovely internship. there arent any trials this morning so im chillin in the office. i felt the sudden urge to spill my guts so...here i am. ive been vibing with a lot of people lately, all positive. its funny how when you are surrounded by or just interacting with positive people, it changes the way you see things. they have opened my eyes to quite a bit. that leads me back to my "confidence" issues. i am my worst critic, i know this for a fact. the reality is tho...if i dont believe i am greatness in all aspects of my life, who will? my confidence issues have hindered me from writing like i used to. nobody came out and said "cream, what you write is garbage." but i felt that way. im working on not comparing myself to others. staceyann chin is talented but she's not me and im not her. that applies to all the writers that i admire. i pulled out a notebook and started writing again. slowly but surely, im steppin my game up. next....my phone hasnt been ringing like it used to. am i upset about it? hell no. most of the time, its someone calling me to vent or talk about some ish that i dont want to hear anyway. i shoulda charge $59.95 for each session. id have money to buy these petit peton boots i want. the only person that calls me to vent now is my grandma and she is excused. she needs to vent and to hear my opinion of the situation...cuz "cream is the only one that has some damn sense". *blushin* i love my grandma. thats my heart. anyway, im glad certain people, namely my exes, havent been calling me. we're cool but i feel that there is some distance needed. they are a part of my past and they need to stay there. maybe one day, ill be able to talk to them without feeling any ill feelings but right now....i wouldnt mind tellin them all to take the express train to hell. mean ass cream...yeah yeah, i know. next....ive been tired as hell lately. there arent enough hours in the day for me to do what the hell i need to do. it seems like im constantly doing something other than what i need to do for myself. i dont have time to rest...4 hours of sleep a night is a blessing. insomnia is no joke boys and girls. just to be easy for a day would probably do wonders. since i have monday off...that will be my "be easy day". im gonna sleep late and only do things that benefit me. its all about me, me, me, me, me. anyway, im going to find something to do. in a minute....peace and selfishness....cream out.

seconds of pleasure.....i admit, ima sensitive mofo. i come off as mean and cold but under the mean mug and the "fuck you and the pussy you came from" attitude, lives a sensitive chic. only certain people can really hurt my feelings and one of those people did. they dont know they did, but trust and believe, i havent forgotten anything that they said or did the last time i saw them. which brings me to the conclusion i need to check my confidence. my un-belief in my self has hindered me from doing soooo much. i thought i wasnt good enough. i though i wasnt pretty enough. i thought i wasnt smart enough. when in reality, i could have succeeded in those things, i just didnt put forth the effort out of fear and lack of confidence. i have sooo many things i want to do in my life and i need to take care of that confidence issue ASAP. the person that hurt me didnt do it on purpose...maybe i needed that to happen to make me realize the issue. maybe one day ill put aside my ego and tell them that they hurt me....maybe. next...ive been thinking about sex soooo much today. im turning into a little hornball. listenin to van hunt isnt making it any better. there is so much i havent done that i want to do. i want to make love in the country while its raining...the rain washing the red mud from our bodies. there are other things besides that but ill keep them to myself. i dont want to expose the freak that i am...lol. it all boils down to, i want to be made love to. i miss the intimacy of a relationship...i miss being touch by hands other than my own. i admit, its nice to sleep by myself, but sometimes i miss having to share the cover. i miss all the little things about a relationship that most people take for granted. one day it will happen....in due time. next...i went to the gym today and my legs are sooooo sore. they are tight from all the walking that ive been doing and that damn elliptical machine. ill be where i need to be, physically, in due time. the mental thing is gonna take a minute. aight homegirls and homeboys, i need to study. in a minute....peace and loving my damn self....cream out.

1 to da 2, 2 to da 3, 3 to da 4.......so much has happened, so much i need to write about. this post might be a long one, so get comfy. its funny how people dont appreciate the little things that this world offers you. it was really pretty outside and warmer than it has been in a while. 40 degrees feels like heaven when its been below 20 degrees for the past 2 weeks. anyway, i did my laundry, chilled, and enjoyed my solitude. that didnt stop my mother and my grandma from callin me every 30 minutes. they tend to put me in an uncomfortable space. my grandma calls me to talk about my mother and a lot of things she says are true. some things are exaggerated but i listen anyway. i know im the only person that she calls to vent so i just sit quietly and listen. now, my mother calls me to talk about my grandma. they both need to go to dr. phil or some other therapist because im tired of feeling like the middlewoman. it hurts me when my grandmother says negative things about my mother but hell...sometimes its the truth. like the old saying goes...the truth hurts. i love my mother but i dont agree with her choices and how she goes about things sometimes. i know she doesnt agree with some of the things that i choose, especially my sexuality, but the difference between me and her is....she has been on this earth a lot longer than i have and she is still making the same mistakes that she was making when she was my age. there have been times where i have sat down and tried to figure out why she is the way she is and why she thinks the way she does. i came up with nothing. oh...and my father. smh. i havent talked to him since my birthday. i know he has my number and i refuse to call him. all the contact that we have ever had as been because i initiated it. next...on to my non-existant love life. chics these days trip me out. my motto is "fuck 'em". if you cant come correct, on a grown woman level, please feel free to stay the fuck away from me. its like everytime i turn around, another one bites the dust. smh....one day a good woman come into my life. i need to stop bullshittin and take my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and lemme lone bitch...cream out.

a woman scorned........john legend is officially that dude. ive had the cd for 2 months and i havent gotten tired of it. if ya dont have it...get yo ass up and go get it...ASAP bitches. aight ummmm....i woke up this morning well rested but congested. having a cold wouldnt be so bad if this i didnt wake up with snot in my nose and a sore throat. i can deal with everything but this thick goo that constantly wants to ooze from my nose. colds suck monkey ass. i got up, took a long shower, got dressed, and went to the cafeteria. my appetite has been weird for the past week. i eat an veggie omelet and pineapples for breakfast, no lunch, and a bowl of frosted flakes or captain crunch and pineapples for dinner. im on a fruit kick....bought a bunch of oranges, nectarines, and plums yesterday. ive always liked fruit but never this much. id rather have a cold, juicy orange than jerked chicken and rice and peas. maybe my body needs more fruit and my cravings are its way of tricking me to eat more. next...i had a debate with a friend of mine. he *insert sarcasm here* thinks that im bi-sexual. the nerve of him questioning my gayness....LOL. the basis of his argument is the fact that i screamed when i saw lord jamar on law and order. i have always thought lord jamar is attractive but that doesnt mean that i wanna give him some booty. that just means that he is one of the few men in this world that i find attractive. and people wonder why i dont discuss my sexuality with the male species. im in no way a man hater but i get tired of explaining myself 5011 times. im a 100000000% lesbian...no penises that are attached to men are allowed over this way. hell to da nah. aight...thats enough. im takin my sick ass to bed. in a minute......peace and nyquil....cream out.

distain in my membrane......i decided to step out of my hibernation to write.....just for today....maybe. as always, i have a lot on my mind. i finally created my own forum!!!! to put it lightly, i got tired of remedial chics on forums and bp. just plain tired. rather than fall completely asleep from boredom or cuss somebody out for irritating me more than 3 times in 5 minutes, i created my own shit. feel free to sign up and vibe with some intellectual peeps. next....insomnia still dances on my brain. i have some weird sleeping patterns...either i sleep for about 12 hours or i dont sleep at all. i know that my never-ending thought process is to blame. it was brought to my attention for the upteenth time that i over-analyze things. sometimes i do. i also know that sometimes i make things more complicated than what they are. i have realized that not everything or everybody is as complicated and complex as me. lawd knows im complex. thats just me tho...love me or keep it movin. next...a new friend of mine told me that she peeped my blog. my blog is just a corner of my mind. there is soooo much more to me than what i write here. now, i do think that she will get a better understanding of me by reading my blog because most people know, i dont express myself very well verbally. i can write how i feel but i cant verbalize it. ive always been like that. lately ive been on a writing hiatus...there is a lot going on right now...school, internship, finding a job after i graduate, and of course, some personal shit. im feelin some kinda way and to avoid saying something that i might regret later, i choose to say nothing at all. maybe ill decide to write about what is going on with me right now....later on, most high willing, i live that long. i dont know. back into my batcave i go. in a minute....peace and loyalty....cream out.

24 years young.....i havent been writing because i havent had much to say. im back at school for my last semester and to be totally honest, im shook. i have my internship on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays and i have classes on tuesdays and thursdays. im ready to get this over with and start building. im ready to start living. my birthday is today and to say the least, it was uneventful. well, i did go to the mall and i bought a pair of boots, a pair of tennis shoes, and exchanged a shirt that i bought the day before. i got a lot of phone calls and 2 cards. i am now 24 years old...neva thought i would see 24. its not like i thought i would be dead...i just never thought past 21 when i was younger. i am the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me. speaking of my mother, im a little homesick. i miss my niece waking me up and sitting at the kitchen table talking to my mother. i even miss my big head brother and his girlfriend. like i said before, thats my fam....i love them more than they will ever know. next...enough of that sappy shit. i am still single, by choice. this is my time for me. ive been in 4 relationships, almost back to back. i never took time out for myself. so, thats what im doing now. anyone interested will have to wait a while. if she doesnt want to wait, it wasnt meant to be anyway. yeah, i know.....da queen is cocky as hell but sooooo what. like i said before, i am greatness and i refuse to settle for anyone that doesnt treat me as such. not actin like my shit doesnt stick cuz uhhh....it really does...but im one of the few good, honest, intelligent, drama and issue free womyn left in this world. i have my flaws but they are nothing that i cant change and im takin the time to work on them. aight yo....thats enough for now. im goin back in my hibernation. in a minute...maybe 2....peace....cream out.

P.S......creamy uhhh.....fresh like uhhh....in 0-5 like uhhhh. touch me, tease me, kiss me, please me...ill give it to ya just how ya like it girl. (if ya got ya mind right heffa) anyway, thats my shit. happy new year peoples. i drank 99 bananas and pineapple rum...to say i was tipsy on new years would be an extreme understatement. when that ball dropped, the rebirth began. if ya see some shit ya dont like that you can change, by all means change it. its a new year bitches....time for some new shit. 2005 is the year of me. by 2006, cream will be where she wants to be for the following 2 or 3 years cuz da queen is never content....i always want more for myself. no new years resolutions this year...just shit im gonna do, gonna see, not gonna tolerate, not gonna do, etc. no time for bullshit. ive been collecting my thoughts for the past 2 weeks. ive been doing more reading than writing. i cleaned out my closet and i didnt realize how many books i have. i have about 7 big boxes of books. a bookshelf is a must have when i get my apartment. ive been chillin in my room, bangin mos def, and thinkin a whole lot for the past 2 days. a gift was stolen from me, a new perspective on my life was born, my best male friend’s mother passed away (R.I.P. Queen), and my lifetime to do list was created. there are a lot of things i have in mind...yall will see soon enough. da queen is hungry for success. im creating a better life for myself as well as my future seed. next...details, details. ex #4 came over a couple of days ago and it was ok. she doesnt move me like she used to, meaning, the feelings of anger that i had for her have been dampened. i had a long talk with a close friend of mine and that convo opened my eyes to a lot. im not going to get into what happened to make me feel this way but, she is no longer welcome in my space. once you violate my space, its a wrap. her actions put a period at the end of the sentence. i DESPISE liars and gameplayers. do that shit with somebody else <<< my words to her exactly. im not going to taint my energy by despising her, but trust and believe, she is not one of my favorite people. if i never talk to her or see her again, would be cool with me. next...its almost time to go back to school. i must say that i enjoyed my time here. my mother’s boyfriend gets on my damn nerves but i didnt let him bother me. ive learned to like my brother’s girlfriend. she may have her ways that i dont like and i will always think that no woman is good enough for my brother.....but she gets a gold star from me. i think they will end up gettin married one day. im going to miss my niece most of all. thats my princess pie. she is so smart...you can tell her mind is like a little sponge. she always wants to know what something is or how something works. im going to miss watching dora with her. she screams my name when dora comes on and i can not be disturbed until it goes off. i might have to get her some dora dvd’s so she can watch her all the time. im going to miss my momma....she knows that already. when dorothy said there’s no place like home....she was sayin some real shit. i can be myself even tho sometimes i feel uncomfortable, they accept me for who i am. they love me for who i am and thats more than i can ask for. i love my fam...*wipin a tear from my eye*. aight yall...thats it for now. in a minute.....peace and honesty....cream out.

pineapple rum ramblings.......merr chri’mas errbody. i hope everyone is enjoyin themselves. get drunk and be merry!!! anyway, damn...i always have a hard time tryin to decide where to begin. lets see.....what did cream get for christmas??? cream got an airbrushed shirt from her brother and thats it. same shit as last year....cream doesnt get shit for christmas. you’d think that since its happened since i was younger, id be used to it. WRONG. im not. as much as people say “its not about the gifts” dammit, i dont know anybody that doesnt want a damn thing for christmas and wouldnt feel some kinda way if there wasnt anything under their tree. to that i say, bitch please. thats a big crock of shit. i cant wait until this shit is over with. tomorrow, im going shopping for my damn self. yesterday was pay day so i finished up christmas shopping. i got my brother some damn chevy mats for his car. it was $30 for 2 damn mats. i was heated....but i got them because i knew he would like them. i got my mommy some perfume she has been buggin me about for almost a year, some bubble bath, and a ham. lol....she has been wanting a ham since thanksgiving. next....last night liana called me. well, it was early this morning. i could tell something was wrong because she never calls me really late. she called me to vent about her father and a bunch of other stuff. we were sitting on the phone cryin at 3 am. she has been through a lot....i found that out last night. behind all the goofyness, is a lot of pain. we both have the same issues with our fathers. which brings me to this.....i dont know too many women between the ages of 18-27 that had both parents in their lives. thats a damn shame. i know shit like that isnt planned....i dont know too many mothers that plan to have a baby and then raise the child by themselves. a lot of mothers say that they can raise a child by themselves and yada yada yada. they are right...they can....but...their will always be a void there. i dont care if they have a step-parent....its still not their father. and people wonder why a lot of people in our generation arent quite right. smh. i can honestly say that my mother raised me and my brother by herself and there were male figures in my life but....they werent my father. to this day, the situation with him hurts me. he called to say merry christmas with the same lame ass excuses. to him i say, whateva nicca. damn...sidetracked like a mugg.....back to liana. liana showed me a lot yesterday and i believe that we will become really close friends over time. she has the potential to be in my cypher. now lemme tell you about another female who shall remain nameless to protect her from embarassment. we were on the phone yesterday evening having a normal convo. i think we were talking about cooking or something like that. anyway, why....in....the....hell....did this chic start playin with her cooch on the phone???? at first i was like....what da fuck? then, i was like...hmmm...lemme see how long she is gonna do this shit. smh.....she had 2 orgasms. keep in mind, that cream didnt contribute to her phone bonin. i sat there quietly. she was callin my name and stuff. i was like ohhhh my...is this chic fa real? after we got off the phone, i sat on the porch and collected my thoughts about this little situation. i came to this....she gets 10 cool points deducted for playin with her cooch on the phone with someone she hasnt known for over 3 months. yo...we havent even had a sexual convo and she is gonna be on the phone playin with her cooch....is she serious? dont get me wrong, there is nothin wrong with phone bonin....i even wrote a whole entry on phone bonin *archives....somewhere in the first year*. but uhhh....i felt some kinda way about her playin with her cooch and callin my name when we arent even talkin to build a relationship. we’re just friends at this point. lmao.....tia said she gets her stud card temporary suspended for screamin out my name while she was phone bonin. how am i supposed to talk to her like i have been doin? all ima hear is those moans and shit in my head. *crackin the fuck up* she has tainted her image to say the least. anyway peoples....thats enough for now. i gotta check on my chitterlings. in a minute.....peace and ohhh my damn.....cream out.

all i can do is love ME......warning...this is a long ass entry. so get grab you something to drink and a snack and get comfy. alrighty......baby when i used to love youuuuuu......thats my shit. i put it on repeat and spaz out in my room...singin at the top of my lungs. holla holla hollaaaaaa. im feelin that song cuz it describes how i feel about each and every ex i have. i couldnt mentally or emotionally afford them. buncha heffas. someone asked me am i bitter about my past relationships and do i see all of them in a negative light. well, i admit that i am bitter but i dont see all of them negatively. i got this idea from another blog....thought i needed to do it. i picked 4 people (for this post) in my life and im going to write what i want to say to each one, not mentioning names. there is more than 4 so ill write more in the future. anyway, here it is........
1. damn, i have no much bitterness and anger toward you that it amazes me that at one time, i was in love with you. right now, i cant stand you. you are a liar, a manipulator, and a fake ass cunt. if i never see you or talk to you again, i wont be upset. i hope all the bad things in the world happen to you and only you. karma is an evil bitch.
2. i havent talked to you in about 3 months and i want to pick up the phone and call you....but im not. you have had chance after chance to make things right with me and you fucked up every damn time. im not going to keep putting myself out there for you to hurt me or disappoint me. you have no idea the bullshit that i have been through so i dont expect you to understand how i feel. you are and have been so wrapped up yourself that you fail to see the pain that you cause. you cross my mind everyday and thoughts of you used to bring tears to my eyes. now i cant do anything but shake my head. i wonder if you ever think about me. probably not, because you havent picked up the phone just to say hi. i refuse to be the first one to call, write, etc.....again.
3. mayn, i miss you more than you can imagine. you taught me so much....even when you didnt think you were. i know you probably thought i was too young to understand what you were sayin to me but i wasnt. i would give my life if it meant that i could be with you for just 1 more day. i know you wouldnt allow me to do it but yo...thats how much i miss you. my whole life changed the day you left. its like my innocence left when you did. i know i have done some things that you wouldnt approve of but for the most part, i know that you are proud of me. the memory of your voice and the things you said to me, have kept me out of a lot of shit. i know that i wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for you. i love you.
4. *sigh* as much as i want to despise you, i cant. i am still hurt but i dont allow you to see it. i dont want you to know that you hurt me more than what ive expressed to you already. there are times when i wished things would have worked out between us but the fact remains that they didnt. i wish you would own up to the fact that you hurt me and you did some foul shit. as bitter as i am, i hope nobody hurts you like you hurt me. i know karma is a bitch but the fact remains that i still care about you. maybe i need to stop talking to you because when i read what you wrote, i cried. to read that you want to do the things that you didnt do when you were with me, to someone else, hurts like hell. the fact that i told you what i needed and you convinced yourself that i was asking for too much and now, you are doing those things for her not only hurt me, the whole situation pisses me off. i think its better that i distance myself from you like i planned to do in the beginning. i loved you more and treated you better than anybody else did and all i got was dry ass apologies and bullshit. the fucked up thing is....i still love you and i hope that this love i have left for you goes away. like i said, distance is definitely a must.
ok, now that i got that out of the way....whats next? ummm....work. work is ok. its only 6 hours a day so im cool. my feet hurt like hell when i get home but ill survive. i know i need the money so i get up off my ass everyday and do what i gotta do. working alone has given me a lot of time to think. most of my thoughts have been about my plan to have a child. there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him or her. lately, my thoughts have been more centered on how my life will change when i finally get pregnant....besides the obvious. i wonder if he/she will be proud of me. old people say that children chose their parents....i wonder if my child will be proud of his or her choice. on to my almost nonexistant love life. ive been vibing with 3 very different women lately. first, there is inayah. me and inayah have been talking for about 2 months. when i first met her, i admit that i was a bit shook. she is so damn intelligent and has such a deep mind that i thought i might get become attached too soon. deep conversations are like breaths of fresh air to me and she always has something to bless my mind with. she takes the time to really listen to what i say. what i like most is the fact that she asks questions to make me think. she has a lot to offer to my mental table and i look forward to it. i know that she is one person that i want to be in my cypher for as long as she wants to be there....even if nothing but friendship sprouts from the conversations we have. second, there is liana. we havent been talkin for a long time...maybe about 2 or 3 weeks. she’s only 19...thats an issue. after ex #4, women under 21 make me feel some kind of ill way. not all of them, just the ones that ACT their age. no maturity what-so-fuggin-eva. back to liana....she is puerto rican, which is different for me since i have never talked to a woman outside of my race. i dont think anything is going to come of our conversations other than friendship. first of all, she acts her age. thats a big turn-ff...not saying you have to act serious all the time but damn...there is a time and place for that. second of all, she said she doesnt like black women with natural hair. well, she didnt say that she didnt like it but she made a reference to me gettin a perm...and that shit aint happenin. plus, she has said a couple of things about big girls. i refuse to be in another relationship where i feel like im an “exception” because i am a big girl with nappy hair but i have a bangin personality and shit going for me. fuck that....i want someone that wants a big girl with nappy hair, a bangin personality, and shit going for her. fuck that exception shit. anyway, liana says that she is diggin my personality and wants to get to know me better. like i said, i doubt anything will come of our conversations but a friendship. she is cool but she has to show some depth, something more than what she has shown me thus far.the third and final woman is aleka. we have been talking for about a month and a half. so far, she is cool. they all seem that way at first. the only thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she is so damn quiet. when we are on the phone, she wants me to do all the talking. she says that she wants to get to know me better and by listening instead of talking, she does that. maybe its weird to me because i havent had a woman that actually LISTENED. its different as hell....thats for sure. who knows what will come of this. im not gong to expect anything but conversation from any one of them. everything remains to be seen at this point. of course, i still have my crushes....1 of which i plan to act on. shit, why not? anyway....thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and strength.......cream out.

trickery......home is cool so far. 2 hours after i got here, i voiced my distain for my mother’s “friend”. i mean, everybody knows that i dont care for his presence. so far, its been cool, like i said. no arguments, no drama, no issues.....so far. i got a job that i plan on working for a little while. we’ll see how it goes. today i went christmas shopping with my mother. the mall was crazy. kids running around screaming and crying because they couldnt get the toys that mommy said santa claus would get them for christmas this year. damn shame. why pretend that a fat white man is going to bring your children everything that they ask for? isnt that lying to them in more ways than 1? first, you are telling them that a fat white man is going to come on a sled from the damn north pole and bring everybody, everything they want. what do you say to the child with no presents under the tree because momma had to pay the rent and couldnt buy that new remote control escalade? the idea is, if you are good all year, santa claus will bring you everything you want for christmas. basically, your good behavior will be rewarded. thats not always true. just because you are a “good” person, doesnt always mean that you will be rewarded with something you can hold in your hands. i thought a lot about that while i was walking through the mall. there were plenty of christmases where i didnt get anything. i was lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. im determined not to expose my child to that but at the same time, they wont believe that whole “santa claus” thing.....”if you are a good boy or girl, santa will bring you gifts.” how bout hell no. its all about momma claus. every christmas i say this....big ups to all the momma clauses out there...the women who work double shifts and go in on their days off just so their kids can have a nice christmas. big up to the daddy clauses too....i just know a lot of momma clauses personally. next....my love life is damn near non-existant. i talk to a couple of people, just on a friendship level but i dont see any of them as prospects. maybe its because im not really looking. all im doing is enjoying myself...doing me. i talked to ex #4 today and she literally made me wanna puke. the sound of her voice turns my stomach like dog shit. the smell of fresh dog shit in 90 degree weather= ex #4’s voice. i know, i know...that was mean but so what. thats how i feel. i think another reason why my love life is the way it is, is because im picky as hell plus im easily irritated. im attracted to little things like the structure of a woman’s neck, her laugh, the shape of her eyes, her ability to have a real conversation....mayn, i could go on and on. ive yet to find someone with most of the characteristics that im looking for. i know im not the queen of universe but i know that i dont deserve anything less than greatness. aight....these pancakes i just ate are making me sleepy. ill holla lata. in a minute.....peace and buttery syrup.....cream out.

cram to overstand.......right now im in the library studying for my criminal law final. ill admit that im afraid. i always tend to doubt my ability...question if im really as intelligent as i believe i am. i know that i havent fully applied myself in college and that was down right stupid because im payin for this shit. i know i could have done much better than i have done so far. the fact is, i cant change it now. whats done is done and i have to keep looking forward. last night, i prayed to the most high like i always do unless i accidently fall asleep first and when i wake up, i feel so guilty. anyway, ive been praying the same prayer at night since i was 12 years old. occasionally ill add a little to it, but usually, its the same. people tend to think just because i am the woman i am that i dont get down with the most high. i know i curse like a sailor and sometimes i tend to say some mean things, but i believe in my heart that He/She is the ONLY being that knows my destiny, my intentions, my heart, and will love me unconditionally. last night i was talking to a friend of mine and the subject of religion and homosexuality came up. thats not a subject i usually talk about mainly because...my relationship with the most high is my business. most people and i have a mutual understanding.....if you preach to me, i most definitely will ignore you and most likely not talk to you anymore. let me do me....im responsible for me, not you. lemme 'lone. next...one of my exes called me this weekend to tell me about some drama that she was going through. now, i admit, usually i would have felt great that karma took a chunk out of her ass but when she told me, i felt kinda bad for her. just a smidgin....nothing too serious. when she called i knew something was wrong because of her voice. ive known her for almost 2 years and trust, i know her like the back of my hand. i know that deep down, she's hurt about everything thats going on with her. i also know that it took a lot for her to call me and ask me for help. it must suck to call the one you know you hurt to ask for help. i really dont know because....ive never been the one who inflicted hurt, ive always been the one who was hurt. but like i always say...karma is an evil, cold hearted, bitch and she'll bite ya in the ass one day. next....along with my quest of peace and serenity, i have decided to cut some more people off. someone told me that im anti-social, which is sorta, kinda, true. i dont like being around a lot of people because people irritate the hell out of me. even i get on my own nerves occasionally. i have decided communicate with a select few....yall know who you are. the people that bring nothing but positivity into my day and smiles to my face. i know sometimes i may act like a doody head but all of yall know that i truly respect and appreciate the friendship we have. i luh yall...*hugs, kisses, and a booty squeeze* ok peoples....its time to take my law exam. pray for me. in a minute.....peace and a clear mind.....cream out.

tyson approach...new layout AGAIN. i know...i wasnt feelin the other one. it was something about the blue that i didnt like. ive been listenin to miss badu all day so i decided to create a new layout with her in it. lemme know whatcha think. where to begin, where to begin. hmmm..lets see. well, im officially the love hater also known as the anti-relationship. i need some time to ease my mind. anyway...im not going to get the bitchin about how most women aint bout shit. today's bone to pick is with these damn pms symptoms. my breasts feel like someone has tried to ring them out like sponges. i dont wanna jump, go down stairs, go up stairs, run...nothin that involves my breasts moving. i dont want to be hugged either...smooshin them hurts worse than jumping. laying down is a fuckin process. damn eve to hell with hellacious cramps and uncontrollable bleeding. if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be in this shit. *poppin a motrin* next....im gettin tired of hearing about weight loss. dammit, if people want to eat, let them eat. i dont see what the big deal is. if people want to be fat, let them. its not like most of america isnt fat anyway. if you are fortunate enough to eat, please feel free to do so without passin on the carbs and shit. damn adkins diet....like only eatin hog mogs, fried chicken, and slim jims is healthy. bitches please. i am going to eat what the hell i want and do what the hell i want. my main goal is happiness and dammit, eatin chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and washing them down with a tall glass of chocolate milk from the creamery makes a chic happy. almost...orgasmic. if ya dont like it....kiss my fat ass and have a cupcake. people are entirely tooooo caught up with appearances. i know they mean something but damn...people dont seem to realize that the media is brainwashing you with a fake idea of beauty. people are like trees....every one is different, even tho they are all still trees. im not gonna lie and say that i dont want an attractive woman...cuz hell yeah i do. heres the thing tho...if she is cute without a conversation, brain, goals, or ambition....she gets no love. i would rather have a woman that is not so attractive that treats me like the queen i am and has all the qualities i desire outside of looking like betty lennox's clone than to have a fine betty lennox lookalike that aint bout shit. speaking of her...im still waiting for this alleged soulmate of mine. not really waiting, preparing is a better word. ive decided to focus my energy into improving my inner self. im takin some time to dig deep. i have some cleaning up to do. next...finals are next week and i go home on thursday. i have 3 finals because 2 of my finals were optional. i opted not to take them since got B's in both classes. why take the exam if there is a risk that my grade could drop to a D??? thats not a good thing. so, i kept my B's. this weekend, im going to study as much as my brain allows me to....migraines mess up my thought process. 1 semester to go and i will be a college graduate. cant believe it but i know its finna happen. im scared and excited at the same time. regardless, im in a happier space right now. single and content...if she comes my way, she does...and she betta step her game up to the trillionth degree and come correct. if she doesnt, oh fuckin well. im fallin in love with the miraculous, magnificent, greatness that is me. aight...thats enough for now.....im takin my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

black sheep.......sometimes...blogger sucks hippo nuts. i updated last night and when i went to publish, the damn thing started actin funny. so, here i am again...writing it all over again. i didnt have internet access while i was home. it sucked somethin terrible because i needed to write. writing is like therapy for me. it calms me down. so, since i couldnt write except for in my big notebook, i was an emotional mess while i was there. writing with a pen just doesnt get it for me when im upset. anyway, home was ok. being home brought back a lot of memories and feelings that i would rather forget. i realized why my ex is a part of my past and why she will remain in the past. i cant keep exposing myself to tired ass, game playing, women. im officially single and not looking. if a woman that has her shit together comes to me, fine. if she doesnt, fine. im takin some time out to enjoy me. along with that revelation, came the idea of being celibate. well, really, i dont have a choice. im not into having casual sex. thats just gross. so, until i am with someone that i know loves me and isnt about some bullshit, ill be celibate. ill be ok...i was celibate for 2 years before my first ex. next...i felt a little uncomfortable when i was home. im the black sheep of my fam...always have been. its easier to deal with it from a distance. when its right in my face, i feel uncomfortable. there were times when i sat on my mother's porch and cried. my fam is a lot different from me. my friends always say that they wish they had a fam like mine. i love them, dont get me wrong, i just dont feel like i belong....i dont fit in. if i didnt look like my mother, i would believe that i was adopted. ok ok ok...thats enough of that depressin shit. i know this is tmi but uhhhh....my boobies are so friggin sore. so sore, that i dont want put on a bra. sometimes, it sucks being a girl. lawd help me when im pregnant. lemme get my ass in the shower...that might help. be back lata. in a minute....peace and serenity...cream out.

get ya respect up.....or get laid down. just a quick post before i go to class and then to work. hopefully, ill get home in time to finish writing this damn paper. in my last post, i spoke of a certain female that im officially cuttin off like a gangrenous limb. fuck her and the cooch she came from. that decision was made today. why talk to someone that purposely hurts you? why talk to someone that says things that they know will hurt you...just because they know they are part of the few that can hurt you? why interact with someone that constantly throws negative energy your way? everybody doesnt have a right to be in your life and this chic hasnt deserved her place in mine. so, fuck her with a cyanide lubricated fork. the best lies you ever told were all the times you said you love me. complete and unadulterated bullshit. its been proven time and time again that you only love your damn self. you constantly manipulate people to get what you want. like i always say....karma is an evil bitch. she'll smack dat ass one day. next...i went to the doctor today...nothing that i was looking forward to. gettin my cooch jacked up and all that unpleasant stuff is part of being a womyn. as long as im healthy, im good. what irritated me was the nurse giving me condoms AFTER i told her that i am a lesbian. now, i understand that you can put condoms on straps but ummm....i dont fuck with nasty bitches that reuse their straps. new relationship=new strap. smh. im going to put a basket outside of my door so these nasty heffas around here and use them. ima start passin them out like mints. aight....im going to class. ill holla when i get home. in a minute.....peace and respect....cream out.

the anti-love.......im in the library finna work on my case briefs and homework for this week. before i get down to business, there are some things i need to get off of my brain. first of all, def poetry was amazing. it was 2 hours of straight fire...neva a dull moment. the only thing i didnt like was there wasnt an intermission. so, i held my pee for 2 hours because i didnt want to miss anything. miss staceyann was wonderful. her work brings tears to my eyes. its amazing how good poetry makes you feel....it can move you from happiness, to sadness, provoke thoughts, and it just might make you want to burn your notebook. all of the poets made me want to keep writing and most high willing, i will be on that stage with them one day. if def poetry ever comes near you, GO SEE IT. its worth every dime. next...some days i feel like im on top of the world..on top of my game and on other days, i feel like im in a big pit on my knees, looking up at the world. my "fuck it, fuck you and the cooch ya came from" attitude is still there but that doesnt stop me from being lonely. i wish my queen would hurry up. where are you homegirl? like i said before, maybe im not ready for her or she isnt ready for me but damn yo, how many more tired women do i have to talk to before she comes to me? the most high has a huge sense of humor, i tell you. the minute that i think i have my life together, just when i think im strong enough to live my life, he/she throws something at me for me to trip on. its like, im running and just when i can see the finish line, the most high puts a rock in the ground and i trip and fall flat on my face. what is the meaning of all this crap that im going through? honestly, i dont know. i pray every night that he/she remove these feelings that im having. maybe its a test to see if ill crack up and go crazy. im trying to hold on to the sanity i have left and keep moving forward. contrary to popular belief, i do have a couple of ounces of sanity left. next....i spoke with 2 of my exes over the weekend. they havent gotten on my nerves in a long time so i knew it was bound to happen eventually. i dont want to talk to ex #1 (not literally ex #1) for a while. i thought that i had gotten out all of the feelings that i had for her...but i guess not. during our convo....i got really quiet. she was talking about some things that i shouldnt have been hearing. after a while, her voice started to annoy me like someone scratching a chalkboard. you know how people have panic attacks? well, it was almost like that but more like "i need to hang up ASAP before i scream at this demonic, insensitive, self centered heffa". when i say heffa....instead of....well, yall know what i would say but...im being nice...gold star for cream! anyway, when i started biting my nails and tears started to form in my eyes, i knew it was time to end the conversation. so, i dismissed myself from the fucked up conversation and went to the library where i couldnt focus. if something or someone is bothering me, i cant focus entirely on what im doing. i wrote some pretty mean things in my journal about her but i needed to release the negativity associated with the conversation that we had. i really dont have too much to say to her at this point. maybe in a couple of weeks....maybe not. ex #2 didnt really get on my nerves, she just said some things that bothered me. maybe im just irritable, i dont know. next...i have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and i have to work at the arena tomorrow night. im not looking forward to the whole doctor thing because i dont like gettin that whole pap smear thing done. makes me feel funny. oh well...its all for my baby so i can deal with it. the only good thing about working is the fact that im getting paid to see a young buck concert. *cheesin* ok...i need to start on this homework before i fall asleep in this chair. in a minute.....peace and a focused mind.....cream out.

voted and defeated......where to begin? well, first of all, i want to say how disappointed i am about the presidential election. im not going to go on and on about how fucked up this country has been for the last 4 years...or the past 4 decades for that matter. i walked 10 blocks to vote for kerry....thats how dedicated i was to vote. on the way there, i thought about how my great-great grandmother (who my grandma says i act like) couldnt vote. even if i didnt have an opinion about this election (which you know i did), i would have still voted out of respect for my ancestors and all the people that fought along side of them for me to have the right to vote. when i walked in the polling place, everybody seemed to turn around to look at me. now, i know im a different looking black chic. i dont look like those women on bet or mtv. my fro was picked out, i had on my red, black, and green wristbands....looked very "militant". a little lady that reminded me of my grandma sat beside me and she put her hand on my shoulder and said "honey, im so glad to see a young black woman voting to get us out of the bushes". lol. she went on to tell me how much she liked my hair and how she had a fro when she was younger. that was the highlight of my voting experience besides me pushing the little red button that said vote. i love older people....*sigh* last night, i was watching the election coverage on cnn and bush looked too convinced that he was going to win. he had this smirk like one of those kids that knows he set something up to be in his favor. now, its over and of course he stole the election again. the good news is, there is only 4 more years of this asshole and we might have a chance to put a qualified person in office. the bad news is, this country might not exist in 4 years if bush keeps going the way he is going. i wonder whats going to happen to all those vote or die t-shirts that mr. combs made. lmao...they will probably he cleaning rags or something. She summed up my feelings exactly. damn im gettin amped..ok ok ok ok.....no more election talk....its making the queen upset. on a lighter note...i go see def poetry tonight!!!!! im so damn excited....more excited than i have been in a long time. im not going to get my hopes up of meeting miss staceyann but if i do, ill try my best not to act starstruck. i still havent decided what im going to wear since i have to walk to the theatre. its cold as hell here so i might just wear jeans, a poncho, and some boots and call it a night. next...2 papers and 1 exam down....2 to go. i cant wait until this is finally over. spring registration starts next week. i have already made my appointment to get my senior evaluation and meet with my advisor. from my records, i only have to take my internship, a statistics class *insert frowning face here*, and 2 electives to keep me as a full time student and then...ill be DONE. i was looking at that paper like...i cant believe i have taken so many classes. to be totally honest, only a couple stick out in my mind. shit...a lot of them, i couldnt tell u shit about now. the classes that stick out in my mind are sociology, psychology, all of my criminal justice classes, the world of islam, computer repair, and all of my art classes. im considering going to my graduation. ill just go to my college graduation, not the entire university graduation. im not for sitting for 2 hours, listening to somebody talk, just to stand up and sit down. in the college graduation, they actually call your name and you go up on stage. i wonder who will get invitations. hmmmm. ill cross that bridge when i get to it. off to class to turn in this dreaded paper. in a minute home skillet....peace....cream out.

apple tree.....its late....things are on my mind that i need to get out before i rest my head. lately, we've been sorta kinda cool. the kinda cool that brings laughter to our ears and smiles at the sound of voices. the kinda cool i only feel for a selected few, you being one of the few...the few i call my cypher, my homies, my friends. its been better than its been in a while....i think you forgot about the late night venom filled words you spoke to my voice mail or the screaming i did everytime we argued about something meaningless...but it meant something then. but now, i see that i dont mean shit...to you. im like a nigga on the street that you walk past and dont acknowledge. tonight i realized that what i thought was genuine love for me...im talking about the kind of love that best friends share for each other...isnt there. the kinda of love that midnight emotion filled phone calls are made of....or the "i just wanted to make sure you're aight" type love. but i gets no love...all i get is.....well....nothin. this isnt the first time i have felt one-sidedness in our relationship...this has been an ongoing issue. where were you when i needed you? i ask myself that question over and over again. shit...where were you all the times that i needed you? out with your friends....gotta make that money, gotta do what i gotta do blah blah blah....all you're mind is focused on is you. what you need, what you want, what makes you happy, how you feel. fuck everybody else in this world that isnt doin somethin for you...thats how ya live homegirl. livin a self centered life will lead to self inflicted strife....remember that? when you needed me...ive always been here. even in the wee hours of the damn morning when you have knowledge of my irregular sleeping patterns....when you knew my money was funny...when u were being fucked up...i was still there. loyalty is a helluva thing yo. i thought shit was thicker than water between us...i guess not. im tired of tryin to save some shit that u dont appreciate or want to save. its pointless. so if you really want to be my friend....not some bitch that i used to talk to back in the day....feel free to call. if not, its definitely your lost. thats it for right now...i need to rest my mind. in a minute....peace and loyalty....cream out.

love yo'self.......its almost been a week. i have been writing, i havent published anything. the last entry i wrote that i didnt post, was very angry. i just wrote what i felt about a certain someone. i know that if she read it, she'd be hurt. i know that i say and write things that may seem a bit harsh to some but i mean every damn word of it. when i feel like ive been done wrong or shit just aint right....i tend to flip. the older and older i get, the more self centered im getting. i realized the love that ive been searching for in someone else is impossible to find. nobody is going to love me like i love me. people say that they love themselves but yo....do they really mean it? i mean, think about that for a second. do you really love yourself? do you give your body and spirit the upmost respect? probably not. people say they love themselves because it sounds good, not because they do. do you think that cigarette you are smoking and the stress you are allowing yourself to be consumed by are acts of self love??? hell no. you have to show your body, mind, and spirit love and they will give you nothing but love in return. slowly....im getting there. the process of fully loving myself is taking time....but its getting there. i am no longer my worst enemy. next...i got my friend dee ready to go to the drag show....he's the ugliest woman i have ever seen. the drag show wasnt a real drag show....it was like an ugliest woman contest. a lot of the boys wouldnt participate because they said that it was "gay". some people arent comfortable with their sexuality and thats a damn shame. no one can make you gay...thats one of those things that just is. either you are or you arent. next....i got my ticket for def poetry a couple of weeks ago. the show is on the nov. 3rd. yo...i just found out that staceyann chin will be there. i am sooooooooo excited to see her. hopefully, ill get to meet her after the show. id probably start crying or something. thats how much she moves me. have you ever had a person in your life that moved you to happy tears??? i do, and she is one of them. everytime i read her poetry or her blog, i get all tingly inside. next...now that i look back on the million years i have been in college....i cant believe ive gotten this far. right now, i have 4 papers due plus 2 exams in the next 2 weeks. i will be so damn happy when i go home for that damn week...the mental rest will be welcomed. it always seems like i have something to do, something to read, some paper to write....its always something. i need calm....i need a hug. next...i started going to the gym on wednesday and yo...i feel soooo much better. as you probably have noticed....im frustrated and going to the gym has made it a little better. i was on the eliptical machine for almost 45 minutes and didnt even realize it. it burns a little but after a while, i got used to it. my legs are still sore a little. i want my body to be right when springtime rolls around. im not trying to do anything major....tone my arms and legs and minimize my gut. im not even focused on how much i weigh...it doesnt matter to me. all my weight is, is a number. i refuse to let that number drive me crazy. it doesnt matter how much i weigh...all that matters is how well it looks. ive seen some chics that weighed about 250 that were absolutely gorgeous. its all about how you carry it. anyway, thats enough for right now, i gotta do some damn homework. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

thinking back.......i woke up this morning in an aight mood. for some reason, my lovely friend insomnia is back so i didnt fall asleep until around 4 am. which is cool because since i couldnt sleep, i was online. i went to bp chat (ohhh the horror) and to my surprise, i found some cool people to chat with. during the day it seems like a friggin circus in there. nothing but children and/or shallow minds. not saying that i dont like a shallow ass convo every now and then but damn....can we talk about more than just sex, how big your strap is, what you can do and how much ill be sprung, how much money you have, how many girls you've fucked...yada yada yada. from what ive noticed, the deep thinkers come online in the wee hours of the morning. sooo, during my bouts of insomnia, i know that ill have some peeps to vibe with. next...for the first time in about 2 weeks, i felt lonely. like i said in my last post, im dealing with it as best as i know how. im doing more so i can have less idle time. ive been celibate for 2 months not by choice and actually, now that i think about it, it hasnt been too bad. i have my times of extreme horniness but thats nothing that a hot shower and homework cant handle. i think i miss companionship most of all. its nice to have someone to just chill with. someone that i can lay beside and watch tv or someone to have a decent conversation with. one day soon...maybe. the woman that i want is out there somewhere....i hope she is thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. i wonder what she smells like....im obsessed with smells. i can remember how most of my exes smelled. those smells always bring back memories. my 1st ex smelled like dark chocolate and cocoa butter. her skin was like dark chocolate but i swear it looked like she was glowing all the time. i loved sitting on my bed when she was getting dressed. i remember the first time she gave me that gap toothed smile...i almost busted my ass going down some steps in some heels. she held my hand and was patient with me. my 3rd ex smelled like a mixture of nag champa and ganja with a splash of coconut. i used to sleep with her locs in my hand, next to my face. for a while after i left her...i couldnt sleep soundly because i didnt have her locs. to see her smile meant a lot to me....her approval meant a lot to me. its like i wanted to be the womyn that she said i could be. i wanted her to be proud of me....not another disappointment. i wonder if i was. my 2nd ex....i dont talk about her much. mainly because i have chosen not to talk to her at all....for reasons i dont quite understand anymore. anyway...she smelled like newports and snuggles fabric softener. i remember when she told me her darkest secret (according to her) and cried while she was laying on my stomach. we were in her truck and "beautiful" by tweet was on repeat. after she told me her secret, she held me like she didnt want to let me go....like i was going to leave her after she told me. i didnt that day, but i did 2 months later. see...not everything i have to say about my exes is negative. they all served their purpose and they all cross my mind occasionally. i know that i wouldnt be the womyn i am, if i hadnt been in those relationships. all of them taught me something....some things positive, other things negative. sometimes i wish i could take traits from all of them and create my muse....lol. aight...i gotta go to class. in a minute....peace and sweet memories....cream out.