spring summer feeling.......sometimes....i tend to think too much when i write. i start to wonder if people will understand what im sayin/writin. writing is my therapy...its my release. if i didnt write, id probably be closer to insanity. lately, the words have been flowing quite frequently like water that is released from a dam. there have been plenty of times when i have written in my personal journal and not here because i was worried about how certain people would feel about what i said. well, thats done. im going to write what i want and do what i want because i am grown and this is my blog dammit. lol. last night, i sat down and read some freestyles i had written a year ago. if i say so myself....da queen is mad talented. the stuff i have written lately has been kinda crappy. mainly because i havent been focused. ty says i am my worst critic and i totally agree. i have thrown a bunch of stuff away because i thought it wasnt good....others did but i didnt. im constantly tryin to be better because i know i can be. there is always room for improvement. in a way, im a perfectionist. maybe one day, ill post some of the freestyles. next..that jill scott cd is SOOOOOOO tight. its worth every damn dime yo. i cant wait to go get it tomorrow.....along with a new mouse. my shit is so damn raggedy.....smh. next...now that i have left the past where it is....things seem so peaceful. i feel like im me again...sans the bullshit, the tears, the lies....just me. im finally back to me and dammit it feels nice. on to miss prototype....she's like a breath of fresh country air. last night, we stayed on the phone until 3 am....til we heard each other snorin. conversations flow...they come so easy yo. nothing is forced. its beautiful....to say the least. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

phoenix.....everyday is a struggle....a struggle to maintain my grades so i can graduate in may, a struggle to find a job so i can pay my bills, a struggle not to let my past effect my future, a struggle not to strongly dislike certain peeps from the marrow in my bones.....yall get the picture. today, my obstacle was not letting her upset me. after we talk on the phone or on the computer....i leave the situation upset. i called my best friend tia to vent. i feel soooo much better. i can always call her and i know that she will be there to listen. thats my dawg. anyway...i think the reason why she makes me so angry is because i feel dumb for allowing her to hurt me like she did. i put soooo much into the relationship and she fucked me over. the fact is now i am in a new relationship with the most beautiful womyn i have ever met. miss p is so damn good to me and i need to focus on her and leave the past in the past. its a struggle tho. i have decided to cut some shit that i cant untie. no more....for my sanity and for my future....no more. i have let it burn and now....i have risen from the ashes like a phoenix. i dont wish anything bad on her....but i do know that karma is a bitch and it avenges all wrong. oh....my business idea is still on....just without her. maybe it was meant for me to do it by my gotdamn self *insert ying yang twins voice*. im determined to make it. next....my big brova rocky is going through a similar situation. when she was talking to me, it was like i was talking to myself. i hate to see any of my friends hurt....really there are only a few people that i can stand to see or hear about hurting and those people yo.....i wouldnt piss in their mouths if their hearts were on fire. fuck them with a rusty, anthrax covered machete. i know i sound a bit hostile....but i needed to get that out. *back to the calm, cool, and collected cream* next....the new layout. it was created in less than 20 minutes. i was listening to "if i was a bird" by floetry and it just happened. i actually like this layout more than i have liked the past 3. aight mayn...im going to take a shower and meditate. i need to shake this negative energy off of me. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

serenity.......im back at school. damn yo...this is it....the last year i have to go through this shit. the last time i will leave home to go to wv and leave behind all that is familiar. i rode with miss p here. the whole time we talked about us. i had a good time this summer...even tho i was broke 85% of the time. she has been so good to me since we have been together. before we were official, we had a minor conflict. thats in the past tho. we both have our faults but i believe in her....i believe that she is good for me and im good for her. plus, i know she believes in me and my dreams. oh yeah....i finally got my refund check. its like it doesnt mean shit because she's not here. when people say that money doesnt equal happiness, its the damn truth. everybody has their hands out except her. she has never asked me for anything except for my heart. off topic as hell but....i wish it would rain. it is hotter than a demon pussy in here. thats one thing i will not miss about this school thing. i need ac dammit. now, back to the topic. miss p has decided to go back to school and transfer here in january. so, there has been a change of plans. im cool with it because ill actually have more time to spend with her next semester. this semester is going to be kinda hard. next semester, i only need 2 classes so ill be takin those plus some bullshit to boost my gpa. enough about all that crap....i have been working on my business!!! my partner has been frustrating the fuck out of me. i feel like im doing all the preparing and she isnt doin shit. i know its going to take time but damn yo.....im ready. this shit has been nothing but talk for the past 6 months. im ready to make it happen...fuck talkin. oh yeah....the new layout should be out soon. ive been so damn busy with classes and gettin everything together for school so i havent had time to do shit that i want to do (especially post). i feel myself not talkin about shit so im out. in a minute......peace....cream is soooo damn hot......out.

from a distance..........i havent laughed as much as i laughed last night in a long time. me, miss p, and frannie fresh went to glen allen (right outside of richmond) last night for miss p’s friend’s birthday get together. the ride was cool as hell....it took about 3 hours but we geeked the whole damn way. we are like the 3 stooges. anyway, when we got there, everybody was drunk as hell. they were a trip. me and frannie didnt drink but miss p did. i had on my black coach hat with the purse to match, a black low cut shirt, dark blue capris, and black flip-flops with 4 inch heels. *fannin myself*.....i was cute if i say so myself. the hat was cocked to the side like a pimp. when i stepped in the room, all eyes were on me. it felt good to stunt a little. enough about my cute ass (lmao).....miss p was drunk as hell. she sat on my lap and kept whispering shit to me. this dude named stephon was all in our faces because he had never seen 2 females kiss. we were the only lesbians in the room until the shit was almost over. everytime i kissed her......i would laugh because he was literally all in our damn faces. people were fuckin in the bathroom...smh. it was cool until this wack nigga named jon started talkin about shootin up the room because this girl got smart with him after he threw a shirt in her face. petty negroes...smh. miss p’s friend ti-ti started cryin and shit. it was crazy. after that crazy mofo left, it was cool. there was a girl there that was 5 months pregnant. i rubbed her belly and she said “you know thats bad luck.....you’ll get pregnant if you rub a pregnant woman’s belly.” miss p was laughin. i hope that luck rubs off on me tho. we finally left at about 2 am...when miss p was sober enough to drive. the ride home was peaceful, to say the least. i stayed up the whole way to make sure she wasnt fuckin up when she was drivin. if she had....i would have driven. frannie was sleep in the back sleep after about an hour and me and miss p talked the whole way back. she decided that she wants to move with me. that blew my mind because i honestly thought she was goin to stay here BUT once again, she has proven me wrong. when i get back to school, i have to find an apartment and a job ASAP. i have had my eye on some apartments across the street from where i used to work (hopefully ill be workin there again this year). while im doing that, she’s going to be here, working, saving her money. the week before we sign the lease and everything, she’ll come up and find a job. im tellin you....there are a million and one places to work there. its nothin like va. after all that, she’ll pack up her shit and move to wv. we discussed her decision in depth this morning. she gave me a lot of reasons why she doesnt want to go back to her school or stay here. her school isnt for her for various reasons so we’re going to try to get her transferred to my school by january. there is nothin in body camp that is positive. i think the move will be good for both of us. i am excited and scared at the same time. we have basically lived together here. out of the 7 days of the week....she stays at home for 2 days at the most. we’ve both basically lived on our own because our families dont help us so its not like paying bills and shit is brand new to us. i cant wait until everything is settled amd we are livin in our own shit. btw....i will be having a house warming party when we move in. ill touch on that when we finally move. next.....before we left yesterday, i was thinking (as always). i think its safer for me to love a couple of people in my life, from a distance....especially 1 person in particular. i continue to give her a first class seat in my life when she really need to be in coach. i have tried and tried to be civil because we were close as hell at one point. thats where my loyalty comes in.....one i am down for you, i am down for you until you fuck up. she doesnt appreciate her position and doesnt know how to reciprocate positivity. it has started to make me feel a bit resentful because regardless of what was giong on with me, i was always there for her....always there to listen. if she needed something and i had it, it was hers. i feel like she turned her back on me and thats a violation of the loyalty code. so, instead of giving my time, energy, attention, and positivity repeatedly to someone who abuses it or wont reciprocate it, ive decided that i will love her from a distance. im not cutting her off.....im going to step back from the situation for a while. next....one week until i go back to school. i am not excited at all. the only idea i am excited about is the fact that i am moving into my first apartment. other than that, school is school....blah at its finest. im just waiting on graduation day. this whole week i will be packing the little stuff that i am taking back to school. this time around ive decided to pack light. thats less stuff ill have to move out. aight....im going back to bed. its cloudy as hell.....perfect sleeping weather. in a minute.......peace......cream.....out.

2nd thought.......since i have been home i have been writing in word and then posting it in blogger. earlier today, i wrote an entry and it wasnt positive at all. i wrote about the people that i cut off in some shape, form, or fashion. to put it lightly, it was harsh.....i was talking about rusty, anthrax covered, forks and callin people demonic snakelike cunts. mean huh? after meditating for the first time in about 2 weeks, i decided to write. where to begin.......miss p. we have been cool so far. i have exposed a lot of things about myself that i know i need to work on. the first being the fact that i am scared of being hurt again. i cant let that fear consume me. i am facing it instead of denying the fact that i am scared. we talk almost every night about it. the fear of being hurt has put me in a constant state of “analysis paralysis”.....until now. a part of allowing myself to love her is to let go of this fear. i have a lot of emotional barriers up.....im not going to front. slowly....ill let them down. it feels so different to be courted. she opens doors....she pulls our chairs...she moves me. 2 nights ago, we were laying in my bed talking with all the lights out. for some reason, i reveal things about myself at night when she is holding me. when she holds me, i feel so safe but so damn vulnerable at the same time. she is going to tell me what she is going to do regarding either staying here, going back to school, or coming with me...sometime tomorrow. im going to be supportive no matter what her decision is but i am going to miss her a lot if she decides to either stay here or go back to school. the idea of establishing ourselves by ourselves, moves me. everything in its time tho. if the most high sees fit, it will happen. ok...on to the cutting off people situation. first of all, i am very cautious about who i allow in my space. people are grimey...thats a fact of life. i didnt say all people....i have interacted with some beautiful people and i have interacted with some grimey people. all i did was evaluate the so-called friendships that i had with the people that i cut off. they were like ticks....sucking the positive energy from me. if i felt like conversing with them was a task or interacting with them was like pulling teeth, i cut them off. no need faking that i wanted those people in my space when i didnt. all of my friends are different. actually, they are even from different parts of the country. they all bring a unique energy to my mental table. i learn from all of them and i hope they learn from me. if i have never said it.....im saying that i love all of you dearly. thank you for being you. next...i might be going to richmond tomorrow. i hope i do because i need a change of scenery. anyway...thats enough for now. in a minute.....cream, the virginia belle.....out.

soul assurance............i’m in a negative mood.....very negative....like the next muhfucka that irritates me is gonna get cussed the fuck out. maybe because its hot.....hotter than the devil’s draws outside. hot weather pisses me off. i’m a winter baby....there is nothing like bunnin in the winter. moving on.....i have 2 weeks until i go back to school. i’m not really excited this time. it’s my last year....but i actually had fun this summer. i might be getting my own apartment...depends on a few things. i really want to have my own place but if miss prototype isnt comin, ill tough it out until i graduate. next.....sharks. i guess since its summertime and the weather is warm....sharks are out. i dont know how many damn times i have said that gettin bit bothers the fuck out of me....but im sayin it again dammit. people that lack individuality bother me. i see the shit everyday.....from the way i dress to the way i talk. damn shame. someone had the nerve to say “cream, you’re weird.” nah dammit, everybody else is weird, im cool. i do me and only me constantly. its cream everyday. its not cool to be like everyone else. its not cool to take someone’s ideas, style, etc. and perp like its your own. just like i do me, you should do you. it freaks me the fuck out to see someone blatantly bite the fuck out of me.....like im not gonna notice. whateverrrrrrr....fuck you and the cooch you came from. i see you tryin to do me....uhhhh huh.....i see ya bitch.....with a chunk of my ass in ya mouth. real recognize real so.....bite bitch bite. ill continue shinin and son’n yall asses. moving on.....im focused on this business idea. i have so many plans for it....so much shit that i want to do and make. i was talking to miss prototype (miss p) last night about kids. right now, my business is my baby. after i get everything together with my business, im having a baby. i know i have wrote about having kids for a long time but yo....ive have never been so serious about it until now. in the next 2 years, im birthing a child, a business, and a career. miss p is really excited about it. thats one of the many things i like about her. we dream together and we are working to make those dreams come true. we sat in her car during a thunderstorm on sunday (it was pouring down raining) and we talked about everything from our dreams to our hesitation to open our hearts to each other. that was one of the best conversations we have had. ive come to the conclusion that me holding on to everything that happened in the past, especially me being hurt, is going to keep me from happiness. i refuse to be unhappy. fuck that. i deserve happiness. so, im doing my best to let all that negative shit go. its time for me to be happy. aight thats enough for now.....in a minute.....cream the womyn, the myth, the legendary individual......out.

a little deeper........uhhh ohhhh....i updated 3 times in 1 month....get it cream. damn...where to begin. i worked for 1 fuggin night and then i got called last friday to work 3-11, friday and saturday. damn temp agencies. it was easy as hell. i think i worked for an hour and sat on my ass and did nothing for 7 hours. i call the damn temp agency every freakin day hoping that they will give a chic a damn job for about a month. the supervisor asked me to work on monday and i have been workin every since.....so i hope this will be a regular thing. i hate being broke. i cant do the things i need to do because da queen has no money. when you are broke, you see who is really down fo yo ass and who is just straight bullshittin. “ohhh, i love you cream.” well, if you love cream, help a chic out. pay my damn cell phone bill. my celly is off. payin that bill would show me some love. shit. i see who my damn friends are. bullshitas beware.....you have been dismissed. next....i miss being online. im online occasionally to update my blog or to check my e-mail but i havent chatted in a while. i deleted my blackplanet page a while ago. im thinking about gettin another one....just to laugh at the peeps in chat. bp is like the club i go to, i only go to laugh. people amuse me. most of the time, they dont mean to. i watch people closely. i observe their mannerisms and such. you can tell more about a person by watching them when they speak than by just listening to what they say. next....i talked to artiste a couple of nights ago. she makes me laugh. im going to have to read up on dali so i can vibe with her about his art. thats her favorite artist. nobody comes close to him according to her. i think he’s aight. maybe because i really dont look at his work close enough. my artistic side is coming back. i have been playing in photoshop....experimenting....trying to make a new layout. ripway deleted the pic...ol’ bitches. i was tired of seein alek anyway. so, look out for a new layout in the next couple of weeks. next....my prototype. she is trying real hard to warm my heart back up. i admit, i have been real cold lately. my attitude towards womyn stinks like boo boo booooooo. me and her have talked about the break-up and how i feel. she listens and when i pause, she comments. its different than what i am used to. we went to the club last night and this dom was staring me down. im talkin about all in my damn grill. she wasnt ugly so i didnt give her the “what the fuck are u in my face for?" i wanted to see what miss prototype would do. i was sitting on a stool and she was standing behind me. i know she and the dom made eye contact because she stayed close to me the whole night. later on, she told me that she saw the dom looking at me like she wanted to say something but the dom knew better than to approach me. we danced a couple of times but dammit, i cant dance to techno. they played “yeah” by usher with a techno beat. i got up and then sat my ass right back down. overall, i had fun. we might go out this saturday. i really want to go to the club in north carolina....i need to shake my ass to some rap or r&b. anywhoo....that is enough for now. in a minute......peace......ice cream lafoxx.....out.

welcome to body camp.......on friday, me and ty went everywhere. she took me to her part of va...a place called body camp. its out in the country and the name made me think twice about going but yo....it is beautiful. the air smells so fresh and there are trees and big open fields everywhere. fields that you would want to take your clothes off and run across. if you did, trust, no one would see you. we were riding and i saw this farm and it appeared that it was a baby calf in the yard. i havent seen a damn calf before so thats what i assumed it was. well....it was a damn goat. ty laughed at my ass for about 15 minutes. i am a city girl with country tendencies.....the last time i saw a goat, it was covered in curry, on a plate with some rice. after she laughed at me, we went to the lake. they have a little marina where you can eat and rent boats and jet skis. we are broke as hell, so we just went down on the pier. mayn.....i saw the biggest damn catfish i have ever seen in my life. they were about the length of my arm. they had to weigh about 25 pounds each. i call them the mutated catfish. we were plotting ways that we could catch one and bring it home to fry it up (country and ghetto tendencies at work). the marina is sooo pretty. we are going back before i go back to school so i can take pictures of it. im going to have to scan all the pics i have taken and create a photo album. that would be cool. anyway, i had a lot of fun on friday. i went places i had never seen in va. plus, the conversation while we were riding was beautiful. one of those conversations that makes you smile when you think about it. nothing deep, just 2 people vibing about shit that moves them. saturday, was boring as hell. i sat on the porch and wrote while i was listening to the rain. slowly but surely im writing. in my opinion, i have written some garbage. mainly because i havent exercised my skills. its like a person who goes to the gym all the time and then they stop going for about a year. when they decide to go back, the workout wont come as easy as it did when they worked out on the regular. artiste told me “you’re a writer....so write.” i do....just not here. lately, my blog writing has closed up a bit. meaning, im not as open as i used to be. mianly because of the fact that i didnt want to write about my past relationship. there is a lot of pain and bitterness that i need to get out. regardless of my feelings towards her, i respect her feelings. i would never say anything or write anything that i know would hurt her.
i was looking at some pics of myself from almost a year ago. how i look now and how i looked then are totally different. its like im looking at a stranger. back then, there was no doubt in my mind that i was getting married and in may 2005, i would be living in connecticut. i believed that things would get better between me and woo and we would be together until one of us left this earth. i believed that she loved me as much, if not more, than i love myself. i actually believed that i had the love and support that i needed to do anything i wanted to do. was i wrong? i believe so. im taking it as a learning experience tho. there are a lot of things that i did that i wont do again. i wont let someone in my heart so easily. i have so many walls to protect my heart. i have to protect my heart....i have been hurt twice. im not saying it wont happen again.....its going to take a whole lot for a womyn to get next to my heart to hurt me. she’s going to have to go through lions, tigers, and bears, fields of hot coals, a lake filled with mutated catfish and sting rays, 50 deebo looking guards, and about 45 walls that are taller than sears tower before she will get a glimpse of it. trust that shit. my “prototype” is going to have it hard as hell. ill talk more about her one day......she knows who she is. thats enough for now.....im being invited to go listen to the storm. in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

big bizness........i know i have been on some other shit...updating once a month and shit but dammit...da queen is busy. plus, dial up sucks monkey's scrotum. i hate aol with a passion...maybe because im really not patient and it kicks me off 5011 times everytime im trying to do something. fuck dial up with a rusty fork. anyway, im still jobless. it pisses me off to the nth degree because i am willing to work, willing to do what the fuck i gotta do to make some damn money and its like nobody will give me a chance. i got bills to pay bitch!!!! me, fresh (my little sis), and ty went all over looking for damn jobs. we filled out soooo much shit it was ri-gotdamn-diculous. we went through all that shit and none of us have jobs. damn shame. the temp agency called ty last night to work from 11-7. so her stankin ass will have some money next week. well...no she wont. she gotta pay the rest of her speeding ticket so she will be broke like me. next...i bleached my hair blonde. why...because i was bored as hell. the fro is gettin big yall. i cant wait until it gets huge. next...i have been reading a lot of people's blogs recently. it seems like everybody is havin relationship issues. well....i got 99 problems but....yall know the rest. im happy right now. im getting back to me, as artiste would say. at the same time, im chillin. ive been inspired to write, giggle like im 6 years old, and to be open. by being open, i mean, i can be myself...say what i feel, do what i feel, without someone knockin me or judging me for it. from october to june, i felt like i wasnt being true to myself. i wasnt me. i didnt feel as free as i do now. the people around me have a lot to do with it. if you dont have negative energy coming at you constantly, you have a chance to produce positive energy and do positive things. ive been writing my business proposals. i have 2 business ideas. yall will be seeing them real soon. i keep telling peeps.....im gonna be a wealthy woman before im 25. my dreams are going to be reality.....with equal amounts of faith and effort. just watch me. art is callin......in a minute ( shorter than a month).....peace and blessings.....cream, inc. out.

slow motion.......i know i know.....its been a minute. i have been working and doing me, as always. when i am at work i think of all the things that i want to write about but when i come home....its a whole different story. i was working through a temp agency so my job ended. am I upset??? a little...but i know i gotta get another job soon. until i do....im handlin my bizness bitch. speaking of bitch, i say that word a lot now. everything, including some people, is a bitch. i dont know where it came from but bitch flows off my tongue like hello or goodbye. so, if i call you a bitch, dont get offended. if i put an adjective in front of bitch, be offended and be very afraid. next....last saturday, i went to harrisonburg to eat at chillis. yes, da queen likes chillis so much that she would travel 2 hours just to eat there. besides chuck’s seafood, chillis is my favorite spot. anyway, i enjoyed the ride as much i enjoyed my chicken philly and onion blossoms. the conversation was easy....effortless. it just flowed. i opened up a little without having to explain myself constantly. i didnt feel like what i said would be thrown in my face in an argument or repeated to someone else. there werent any confused looks thrown my way. i felt so.....relaxed. next....my 4th was aight. we had soooo much food. it was all gravy and sprinkles until it started raining. not a light rain, a heavy, soakin all ya clothes, rain. i was the only one outside getting ribs off of the grill in the rain. i love my natural....shit i can play in the rain if i want to. WHAAAAAAT!! lol. me and ty went to the fair and her car broke down. we were stuck in the middle of traffic. 2 policemen pushed us out of the street and about 20 minutes later, her car started. aint that a bitch? we came back to my house and drank puerto rican rum and 99 bananas. i was fuuuuuucked up. next...i called artiste and we talked for a little minute. i had company so i couldnt talk long. it is so nice talking to my friends again. i have neglected yall....i apologize. yall know what happened and trust, it wont happen again. i have learned my lesson. anyway, i copped some books from the bookstore. yo...donald goines books are the bomb. yall know im into the 60’s and 70’s anyway....but yo, i read his book called “whoreson”. that shit was so damn tight. i have to get some more. i need to add some of his books to my wishlist. thats enough for now...this post is boring as hell. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

sparrow.....i know its been a long time since i updated, but sooo much has been going on. the queen has been busy. my job sucks donkey's nuts. the people that work there suck too. they are racist as hell...the type of people that are racist but they try everything in their power to hide that shit because they are at work. i see right through their asses. i have a funny feeling that before the month is over, somebody is going to receive a verbal lashing from me. i’m really not happy there. i’m on my feet for 9 hours a day, making and packing speakers. it sucks for real. i got my first check last friday and most of it is gone. damn shame but its true. i had to buy groceries because there wasnt any damn food up in this bitch. ty took me to the store and we tripped the whole time. this man was flirting hard as hell. ty said he was looking down my shirt. i had on a low cut shirt and my melons were looking right so i guess thats why. this mofo followed us down 3 isles because i was in the cookie isle looking for my niece some cookies. this bama tried to have a convo about cookies. smh. ty was leaning on the cart laughing....wit her bama ass. she said he winked at me a couple of times....*gaggin*. next...i went to the club on saturday. yo...i pay $7 to sit and laugh at the rhythmless people dancing. all i do is sit at the bar or on the stage and laugh. i may dance a little, but they play techno music so i cant do too much. shit, if i cant clap my booty to it, im not moved. *joke* i saw chay in the club. i was dancing and i felt somebody slap my thigh. i turned around like wtf cuz somebody was about to get cussed out. ty pointed to the left cuz chay had already walked off. she told me that she has a crush on me and has had a crush on me for a while. when she told me i was like................where the fuck was i when you had a crush on me? im on the short bus sometimes. if a mofo doesnt tell me that they like me, i dont assume shit. anyway, me and woo just broke up about 3 weeks ago. im single and not looking. plus, i wouldnt mess up our friendship like that. i value our friendship a lot. i cant go from looking at her like my big brova to my girl. that wouldnt work. next...back to me and woo breaking up. yes ladies and gents, we broke up. a lot has happened in the past year that built up to this.....a lot of tears, anger, arguments, and hurt feelings. i still love her but im not in love with her. she hurt me a lot in the past year and before we think about getting back together, i need to see if i can get past the hurt. its like im sitting at a stop sign in park. i need to decide if i should move forward or turn left or right. and like forrest gump says....thats all i have to say about that.will we get back together??? maybe. i dont know but i do know that if we do, it wont be anytime soon. i need time to see what i want and where i want to be. aight, thats enough for one damn day. leave a comment and let me know whats on your mind. in a minute....peace.....cream......out.

TMI.....this is probably tmi but dammit this is my blog and ill do what i want. now...i am horny as hell. maybe is because i have been feeling myself (not literally dammit) a lot more. ive been doing little shit that i havent done in a while like putting on makeup and shit. when i put lipgloss on and dress girly....yall should see the mofos who look at da kid and lick their lips. im damn sexy. i know i have my flaws but yo...life is entirely too short and time is too precious to stress about them. yo...i didnt know so many damn men and women prefer big girls. fuck yall skinny bitches!!! maybe i didnt realize uit because i didnt have the confidence that i do now. honestly, i dont know where in the hell it came from. i just woke up one morning and was like damn homegirl...you are sexy as hell. i guess being around positive people has a lot to do with it. next...i considering dying my hair again. its damn near summer and the dark hair has to go. the only issue is, now that im natural, i have to worry about the damage it might cause. when i was perming my hair, i didnt care because it was already damaged. i know that i have a head full of healthy, natural hair and i dont want to fuck that up. ill let it marinate a little more...the dye will be there. next...finally..after months and months...i saw my buddy nisha. i know i have talked about her before. check the damn archives. anyway, we couldnt really talk like we wanted to because ty was there. when there is a dom present, conversations are a lot different between femmes. we might all go somewhere tonight...im not sure. depends on how my friggin throat feels. nisha kept laughing at me everytime i swollowed because it was like i was putting so much effort into it. that shit hurts so bad. just imagine trying to swollow while someone is strangling you. thats how it feels. like i said...i would only wish this shit on my worst enemy. woo made a good point..me sleeping in an air conditioned house probably has a lot to do with me being sick. i dont have ac in the dorm...cheap fuckas. ill get someone tall to close my vent...my short ass cant reach it even if i stand on the bed. aight shit..this is gettin boring. in a minute....peace....cream that hasnt creamed in 3 months....out.

welcome to da noke......im finally home...actually, ive been home for about 3 weeks now. it hasnt gotten on my nerves until now. well...first of all, da kid is sick. i dont know who gave me this god forsaken germ but i wish i could give it back to them 100 times along with a kick in the ass. i havent eaten anything in 2 days. my throat feels like somebody is choking me and my nose is stopped up so i cant taste or smell anything. it sucks monkey ass. next...thanks to everyone who called or sent an e-mail to check to see if i was aight. im cool now. i was so fuckin stressed out with my relationship with woo, school, bills, me not having a job when i got back home....i thought i was losing my mind. it took me coming home, getting more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day, having my niece wake me up every morning, and chilling with my fam to get me right. my fam gets on my nerves...they do some foul shit sometimes, but they are my blood. i luh dem niccas. next...me and chay went to the club last saturday. we met ty there. i have talked to ty for about a year and im just now meeting her in person. smh...me and my anti-social ass. anyway....we had fun. i didnt drink *gold star for cream* but i did talk about peeps. i couldnt help it yo. this dude sat across from me, chay, and ty and tried to holla at me. ok...i could understand if we were at a straight club. we are at a gay club.....he knew that shit when he came there. so why in the hell would he think that my ass would be interested in his ashy tyrone biggums looking ass. hell to da nah. absolutely not. im a lesbian homeboy....i probably like coochie more than you do. i want to go out this saturday if i can scrape up some money. next week is all about finding a job....da kid is flat broke and got a damn cell phone bill. somebody send me $60. yeah rrrright. but fo real....help a broke sista out. aight...this medicine is makin me sleepy. its been real....in a minute...peace...cream out.

what once was.....is no more....and neither am i.

insomnia.......its getting late...nah fuck that....it is late...and my ass cant sleep. i have sooo much on my mind right now...i was inspired to write. well, 1 week of school left. next week, i take exams and then im out. im not sure how i feel about that. there are some things going on at home that i dont know if i will be able to deal with. plus, im used to having my own space. i like walking around my room naked and making as much noise as i want. oh well....next may i will be making plans to move into my own apartment and start my career. *cheesin* i dont know what im going to do, as far as my career is concerned. i just want to be able to go to work happy and make enough money not to live paycheck to paycheck. thats not too much to ask. of course, like i said in my last post, i want to be happy. truly happy...nothing like i am right now. at the present, im not happy with my situation. i know i talk about school a lot but peeps have no idea how stressful it is. to top that off, im going through some personal things with myself....like donell jones said, i just need time to see where i wanna be...cuz right now, dammit, i dont know. im in a state of confusion. i walk around with a million and one things on my mind. decisions, decisions.

time after time......im writing between coughing fits, blowing my nose, and scratching my eyes. its funny how you dont think about how you treat your body until you get sick. last weekend, i had a fever and felt like shit. i woke up with sweat pouring off of me even tho i was freezin. i laid in my bed and thought about much i mistreat my body. i dont work out to keep it strong. i dont eat right. i dont give it enough rest. hmmm...i wonder why i keep getting sick. i have decided to treat much better than what i have been. shit...its the only body that im going to have. next...ive been thinking about the past year a lot. i feel a lot different than i felt last year....so much has happened to influence my feelings at the present. i want so much for myself....but what i want and i need dont always meet. thats the theme of this school year. last year around this time i was so damn amped because i was spending most of my summer with woo. little did i know that the time i spent there would change so much. i got to see her in a different light. this summer, i dont know what im going to do..... my main goals this summer are to enjoy myself and get all the things i need. i want to put a new hard drive in my computer. i want to teach my niece to swim. yo....i want to do a lot of shit. most of all, i want to be happy. i know no one wants to be unhappy. im sayin i want to be happy because i have spent a lot of time being unhappy. its time for me to smile. aight....i gotta get some homework done. in a minute....peace...cream out.

Questions.......a friend of mine e-mailed me these questions.....

1. Your name spelled backwards. Maerc.

2. Where were your parents born? Roanoke, VA and Mo Bay, St. James, Jamaica.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Some pics.

4. What's your favorite restaurant? Chuck’s Seafood.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? Summer '02.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? Nope.

7. How many kids do you want? Maybe 1….maybe none.

8. Type of music you dislike most? Whining ass country.

9. Are you registered to vote? Yep.

10. Do you have cable? Yep.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? Yep.

12. Ever prank call anybody? LMAO….hell yeah.

13. Ever get a parking ticket? No.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Yeah, why not?

15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Boston, Mass.

16. Do you have a garden? Nope.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? Boondocks.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yeah, unfortunately.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower in the morning, bath at night.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? The Passion of the Christ.

21. Favorite pizza topping? Extra cheese.

22. Chips or popcorn? Chips….popcorn makes me wanna puke.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Black Cherry.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? WTF?? Hell nah.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope.

26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange juice.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My mother and we went to a Chinese food buffet.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Twix.

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? 2000.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last summer.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? Yep.

32. Are you a good cook? Yep.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yep.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Hell nah.

35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Yeah, I worked at the movies.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Allergy medicine.

38. Ever throw up in public? Nope.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? Hmmmm.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number? Yeah…MC Hammer’s 900 number when I was about 7. I wanted to know who pulled the plug on MC Hammer. LMAO.

42. Can exes be friends? Sometimes….depends on the day.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My girl’s daughter.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Nope.

45. What message is on your answering machine? "Hello….this is Maliyah…Call Creamy back…I love you….Thats my grandma…That’s my Creamy…..Bye.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? Mango.

47. What was the name of your first pet? Shanka Pooh

48. What is in your purse? Orbitz gum, lip gloss, allergy medicine, my ID, and my cell phone.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Write.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? I woke up this morning.

all falls down......a new layout....same blog. decided to keep my baby. there is no more tagboard either. you can leave a comment at the end of each post. leave ya mark. alrighty....today at work....i was in a pissy ass mood. i didnt get a lot of sleep. everybody that knows me knows that i require at least 8 hours of sleep to be in a good mood. sleep is one of my best friends. anyway, my allergies were bothering me so i was sneezing and scratching my eyes all morning. then, the people got on my damn nerves. callin me with damn attitudes. if i hear "let me speak to your supervisor" one more damn time....ima scream. first of all, they arent even supervisors. supervisors dont take phonecalls. they are people that just walk around and take phonecalls when people are irate or when they ask to speak to a supervisor. 9 times out of 10, the same shit that i told them, is what its gonna be. if i say no, the "sup" is gonna say no. people like me like when you ask to speak to a sup.....i can go get me a soda and chill while you bitch and whine to the "sup" and you still aint gettin shit. how ya love that? lmao.....fyi...dont get netzero, juno, or bluelight if i aint told you already. next....i finally cut my permed ends off of my hair....just in case i forgot to write about it. da kid has a little fro. its weird cuz i finally see my hair natural hair color. its brown with hints of a rust color in it. its kinda cute but i know i will dye it again eventually. im anxious for my fro to grow. its grown about a half of an inch in less than a month so by the end of the summer, my fro should be a nice length. im aiming for an angela davis type fro. next....my mother is coming here next week to take half of my shit home. i cant wait to get the fuck out of this hell hole masked as a school. i graduate next may because of 1 fuckin class. pissy....i know. everything happens for a reason. im gonna go with the flow and TRUST next may....cream will have her damn degree. now, what i will do after that....im not sure. i just want to work, be happy at work, and make enough money to take care of myself and these damn loans that i am going to have to pay back. i want to go to grad school eventually....shit, i might get another bachelors degree. neva know. ok...im sleepy as hell now. in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

5th avenue.......dressed in pink, 2 ponytails on my daddy's lap...holding a needle in one hand, me in the other....at the table with my granddaddy eatin fruit....i love you...ashes to ashes, dust to dust, cancer ate my soul...tainted...back seats of cars, bars with long silver poles....you like that bitch...hands around my neck, tears, makeup gone, bruises exposed, innocence lost.....he loved me...i wont hurt you...trust me...trust me....spring baby...3 years...what's my name bitch...same name....circus clown...4 women...juggling...spreading his seed.....and my legs....trust me baby....you aint shit.....timberlands on my face...you deserve this bitch...salads and laxatives...slim aspirations...fat reality...such a pretty face...stained sheets, crying womb with crimson tears...no babies...dyke...broken hearted...eyes red...street lights...you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...i cant take this...stupid bitch...peace...of...mind...please help....just jump bitch....care..less...you know i love you...love dont love me...negativity...5th avenue never looked so lovely. (c) creambaby.

au natural......im baaaack. i needed a couple of weeks of reflection. da kid is cool now. damn, where do i start.....im in the process of creating a new blog.....i need something fresh and new. it should be up by next week. between working and going to class....i barely have time. next....i FINALLY cut off my permed ends. i was 100% natural on march 22nd. it feels so damn good. i feel different. all the black women that attend my school are weaved up or permed up. i stick out like a sore thumb. im glad im different. this week is gay pride week here. *cheesin* i missed it last year but this year.....ohhhhh boy!!!! i cant wait. im going to a drag show on thursday with diallo. im going to check to see what else is going on this week. next...my spring break was cool. my niece has grown up soooo much. i had a nice time with my fam. they are cool peeps when they want to be. anyway, i gotta take my ass to work. look out for the new blog. in a minute....peace....cream out.