trickery......home is cool so far. 2 hours after i got here, i voiced my distain for my mother’s “friend”. i mean, everybody knows that i dont care for his presence. so far, its been cool, like i said. no arguments, no drama, no issues.....so far. i got a job that i plan on working for a little while. we’ll see how it goes. today i went christmas shopping with my mother. the mall was crazy. kids running around screaming and crying because they couldnt get the toys that mommy said santa claus would get them for christmas this year. damn shame. why pretend that a fat white man is going to bring your children everything that they ask for? isnt that lying to them in more ways than 1? first, you are telling them that a fat white man is going to come on a sled from the damn north pole and bring everybody, everything they want. what do you say to the child with no presents under the tree because momma had to pay the rent and couldnt buy that new remote control escalade? the idea is, if you are good all year, santa claus will bring you everything you want for christmas. basically, your good behavior will be rewarded. thats not always true. just because you are a “good” person, doesnt always mean that you will be rewarded with something you can hold in your hands. i thought a lot about that while i was walking through the mall. there were plenty of christmases where i didnt get anything. i was lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. im determined not to expose my child to that but at the same time, they wont believe that whole “santa claus” thing.....”if you are a good boy or girl, santa will bring you gifts.” how bout hell no. its all about momma claus. every christmas i say this....big ups to all the momma clauses out there...the women who work double shifts and go in on their days off just so their kids can have a nice christmas. big up to the daddy clauses too....i just know a lot of momma clauses personally. next....my love life is damn near non-existant. i talk to a couple of people, just on a friendship level but i dont see any of them as prospects. maybe its because im not really looking. all im doing is enjoying myself...doing me. i talked to ex #4 today and she literally made me wanna puke. the sound of her voice turns my stomach like dog shit. the smell of fresh dog shit in 90 degree weather= ex #4’s voice. i know, i know...that was mean but so what. thats how i feel. i think another reason why my love life is the way it is, is because im picky as hell plus im easily irritated. im attracted to little things like the structure of a woman’s neck, her laugh, the shape of her eyes, her ability to have a real conversation....mayn, i could go on and on. ive yet to find someone with most of the characteristics that im looking for. i know im not the queen of universe but i know that i dont deserve anything less than greatness. aight....these pancakes i just ate are making me sleepy. ill holla lata. in a minute.....peace and buttery syrup.....cream out.

cram to overstand.......right now im in the library studying for my criminal law final. ill admit that im afraid. i always tend to doubt my ability...question if im really as intelligent as i believe i am. i know that i havent fully applied myself in college and that was down right stupid because im payin for this shit. i know i could have done much better than i have done so far. the fact is, i cant change it now. whats done is done and i have to keep looking forward. last night, i prayed to the most high like i always do unless i accidently fall asleep first and when i wake up, i feel so guilty. anyway, ive been praying the same prayer at night since i was 12 years old. occasionally ill add a little to it, but usually, its the same. people tend to think just because i am the woman i am that i dont get down with the most high. i know i curse like a sailor and sometimes i tend to say some mean things, but i believe in my heart that He/She is the ONLY being that knows my destiny, my intentions, my heart, and will love me unconditionally. last night i was talking to a friend of mine and the subject of religion and homosexuality came up. thats not a subject i usually talk about mainly because...my relationship with the most high is my business. most people and i have a mutual understanding.....if you preach to me, i most definitely will ignore you and most likely not talk to you anymore. let me do me....im responsible for me, not you. lemme 'lone. next...one of my exes called me this weekend to tell me about some drama that she was going through. now, i admit, usually i would have felt great that karma took a chunk out of her ass but when she told me, i felt kinda bad for her. just a smidgin....nothing too serious. when she called i knew something was wrong because of her voice. ive known her for almost 2 years and trust, i know her like the back of my hand. i know that deep down, she's hurt about everything thats going on with her. i also know that it took a lot for her to call me and ask me for help. it must suck to call the one you know you hurt to ask for help. i really dont know because....ive never been the one who inflicted hurt, ive always been the one who was hurt. but like i always say...karma is an evil, cold hearted, bitch and she'll bite ya in the ass one day. next....along with my quest of peace and serenity, i have decided to cut some more people off. someone told me that im anti-social, which is sorta, kinda, true. i dont like being around a lot of people because people irritate the hell out of me. even i get on my own nerves occasionally. i have decided communicate with a select few....yall know who you are. the people that bring nothing but positivity into my day and smiles to my face. i know sometimes i may act like a doody head but all of yall know that i truly respect and appreciate the friendship we have. i luh yall...*hugs, kisses, and a booty squeeze* ok peoples....its time to take my law exam. pray for me. in a minute.....peace and a clear mind.....cream out.

tyson approach...new layout AGAIN. i know...i wasnt feelin the other one. it was something about the blue that i didnt like. ive been listenin to miss badu all day so i decided to create a new layout with her in it. lemme know whatcha think. where to begin, where to begin. hmmm..lets see. well, im officially the love hater also known as the anti-relationship. i need some time to ease my mind. anyway...im not going to get the bitchin about how most women aint bout shit. today's bone to pick is with these damn pms symptoms. my breasts feel like someone has tried to ring them out like sponges. i dont wanna jump, go down stairs, go up stairs, run...nothin that involves my breasts moving. i dont want to be hugged either...smooshin them hurts worse than jumping. laying down is a fuckin process. damn eve to hell with hellacious cramps and uncontrollable bleeding. if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be in this shit. *poppin a motrin* next....im gettin tired of hearing about weight loss. dammit, if people want to eat, let them eat. i dont see what the big deal is. if people want to be fat, let them. its not like most of america isnt fat anyway. if you are fortunate enough to eat, please feel free to do so without passin on the carbs and shit. damn adkins diet....like only eatin hog mogs, fried chicken, and slim jims is healthy. bitches please. i am going to eat what the hell i want and do what the hell i want. my main goal is happiness and dammit, eatin chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and washing them down with a tall glass of chocolate milk from the creamery makes a chic happy. almost...orgasmic. if ya dont like it....kiss my fat ass and have a cupcake. people are entirely tooooo caught up with appearances. i know they mean something but damn...people dont seem to realize that the media is brainwashing you with a fake idea of beauty. people are like trees....every one is different, even tho they are all still trees. im not gonna lie and say that i dont want an attractive woman...cuz hell yeah i do. heres the thing tho...if she is cute without a conversation, brain, goals, or ambition....she gets no love. i would rather have a woman that is not so attractive that treats me like the queen i am and has all the qualities i desire outside of looking like betty lennox's clone than to have a fine betty lennox lookalike that aint bout shit. speaking of her...im still waiting for this alleged soulmate of mine. not really waiting, preparing is a better word. ive decided to focus my energy into improving my inner self. im takin some time to dig deep. i have some cleaning up to do. next...finals are next week and i go home on thursday. i have 3 finals because 2 of my finals were optional. i opted not to take them since got B's in both classes. why take the exam if there is a risk that my grade could drop to a D??? thats not a good thing. so, i kept my B's. this weekend, im going to study as much as my brain allows me to....migraines mess up my thought process. 1 semester to go and i will be a college graduate. cant believe it but i know its finna happen. im scared and excited at the same time. regardless, im in a happier space right now. single and content...if she comes my way, she does...and she betta step her game up to the trillionth degree and come correct. if she doesnt, oh fuckin well. im fallin in love with the miraculous, magnificent, greatness that is me. aight...thats enough for now.....im takin my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

black sheep.......sometimes...blogger sucks hippo nuts. i updated last night and when i went to publish, the damn thing started actin funny. so, here i am again...writing it all over again. i didnt have internet access while i was home. it sucked somethin terrible because i needed to write. writing is like therapy for me. it calms me down. so, since i couldnt write except for in my big notebook, i was an emotional mess while i was there. writing with a pen just doesnt get it for me when im upset. anyway, home was ok. being home brought back a lot of memories and feelings that i would rather forget. i realized why my ex is a part of my past and why she will remain in the past. i cant keep exposing myself to tired ass, game playing, women. im officially single and not looking. if a woman that has her shit together comes to me, fine. if she doesnt, fine. im takin some time out to enjoy me. along with that revelation, came the idea of being celibate. well, really, i dont have a choice. im not into having casual sex. thats just gross. so, until i am with someone that i know loves me and isnt about some bullshit, ill be celibate. ill be ok...i was celibate for 2 years before my first ex. next...i felt a little uncomfortable when i was home. im the black sheep of my fam...always have been. its easier to deal with it from a distance. when its right in my face, i feel uncomfortable. there were times when i sat on my mother's porch and cried. my fam is a lot different from me. my friends always say that they wish they had a fam like mine. i love them, dont get me wrong, i just dont feel like i belong....i dont fit in. if i didnt look like my mother, i would believe that i was adopted. ok ok ok...thats enough of that depressin shit. i know this is tmi but uhhhh....my boobies are so friggin sore. so sore, that i dont want put on a bra. sometimes, it sucks being a girl. lawd help me when im pregnant. lemme get my ass in the shower...that might help. be back lata. in a minute....peace and serenity...cream out.

get ya respect up.....or get laid down. just a quick post before i go to class and then to work. hopefully, ill get home in time to finish writing this damn paper. in my last post, i spoke of a certain female that im officially cuttin off like a gangrenous limb. fuck her and the cooch she came from. that decision was made today. why talk to someone that purposely hurts you? why talk to someone that says things that they know will hurt you...just because they know they are part of the few that can hurt you? why interact with someone that constantly throws negative energy your way? everybody doesnt have a right to be in your life and this chic hasnt deserved her place in mine. so, fuck her with a cyanide lubricated fork. the best lies you ever told were all the times you said you love me. complete and unadulterated bullshit. its been proven time and time again that you only love your damn self. you constantly manipulate people to get what you want. like i always say....karma is an evil bitch. she'll smack dat ass one day. next...i went to the doctor today...nothing that i was looking forward to. gettin my cooch jacked up and all that unpleasant stuff is part of being a womyn. as long as im healthy, im good. what irritated me was the nurse giving me condoms AFTER i told her that i am a lesbian. now, i understand that you can put condoms on straps but ummm....i dont fuck with nasty bitches that reuse their straps. new relationship=new strap. smh. im going to put a basket outside of my door so these nasty heffas around here and use them. ima start passin them out like mints. aight....im going to class. ill holla when i get home. in a minute.....peace and respect....cream out.

the anti-love.......im in the library finna work on my case briefs and homework for this week. before i get down to business, there are some things i need to get off of my brain. first of all, def poetry was amazing. it was 2 hours of straight fire...neva a dull moment. the only thing i didnt like was there wasnt an intermission. so, i held my pee for 2 hours because i didnt want to miss anything. miss staceyann was wonderful. her work brings tears to my eyes. its amazing how good poetry makes you feel....it can move you from happiness, to sadness, provoke thoughts, and it just might make you want to burn your notebook. all of the poets made me want to keep writing and most high willing, i will be on that stage with them one day. if def poetry ever comes near you, GO SEE IT. its worth every dime. next...some days i feel like im on top of the world..on top of my game and on other days, i feel like im in a big pit on my knees, looking up at the world. my "fuck it, fuck you and the cooch ya came from" attitude is still there but that doesnt stop me from being lonely. i wish my queen would hurry up. where are you homegirl? like i said before, maybe im not ready for her or she isnt ready for me but damn yo, how many more tired women do i have to talk to before she comes to me? the most high has a huge sense of humor, i tell you. the minute that i think i have my life together, just when i think im strong enough to live my life, he/she throws something at me for me to trip on. its like, im running and just when i can see the finish line, the most high puts a rock in the ground and i trip and fall flat on my face. what is the meaning of all this crap that im going through? honestly, i dont know. i pray every night that he/she remove these feelings that im having. maybe its a test to see if ill crack up and go crazy. im trying to hold on to the sanity i have left and keep moving forward. contrary to popular belief, i do have a couple of ounces of sanity left. next....i spoke with 2 of my exes over the weekend. they havent gotten on my nerves in a long time so i knew it was bound to happen eventually. i dont want to talk to ex #1 (not literally ex #1) for a while. i thought that i had gotten out all of the feelings that i had for her...but i guess not. during our convo....i got really quiet. she was talking about some things that i shouldnt have been hearing. after a while, her voice started to annoy me like someone scratching a chalkboard. you know how people have panic attacks? well, it was almost like that but more like "i need to hang up ASAP before i scream at this demonic, insensitive, self centered heffa". when i say heffa....instead of....well, yall know what i would say but...im being nice...gold star for cream! anyway, when i started biting my nails and tears started to form in my eyes, i knew it was time to end the conversation. so, i dismissed myself from the fucked up conversation and went to the library where i couldnt focus. if something or someone is bothering me, i cant focus entirely on what im doing. i wrote some pretty mean things in my journal about her but i needed to release the negativity associated with the conversation that we had. i really dont have too much to say to her at this point. maybe in a couple of weeks....maybe not. ex #2 didnt really get on my nerves, she just said some things that bothered me. maybe im just irritable, i dont know. next...i have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and i have to work at the arena tomorrow night. im not looking forward to the whole doctor thing because i dont like gettin that whole pap smear thing done. makes me feel funny. oh well...its all for my baby so i can deal with it. the only good thing about working is the fact that im getting paid to see a young buck concert. *cheesin* ok...i need to start on this homework before i fall asleep in this chair. in a minute.....peace and a focused mind.....cream out.

voted and defeated......where to begin? well, first of all, i want to say how disappointed i am about the presidential election. im not going to go on and on about how fucked up this country has been for the last 4 years...or the past 4 decades for that matter. i walked 10 blocks to vote for kerry....thats how dedicated i was to vote. on the way there, i thought about how my great-great grandmother (who my grandma says i act like) couldnt vote. even if i didnt have an opinion about this election (which you know i did), i would have still voted out of respect for my ancestors and all the people that fought along side of them for me to have the right to vote. when i walked in the polling place, everybody seemed to turn around to look at me. now, i know im a different looking black chic. i dont look like those women on bet or mtv. my fro was picked out, i had on my red, black, and green wristbands....looked very "militant". a little lady that reminded me of my grandma sat beside me and she put her hand on my shoulder and said "honey, im so glad to see a young black woman voting to get us out of the bushes". lol. she went on to tell me how much she liked my hair and how she had a fro when she was younger. that was the highlight of my voting experience besides me pushing the little red button that said vote. i love older people....*sigh* last night, i was watching the election coverage on cnn and bush looked too convinced that he was going to win. he had this smirk like one of those kids that knows he set something up to be in his favor. now, its over and of course he stole the election again. the good news is, there is only 4 more years of this asshole and we might have a chance to put a qualified person in office. the bad news is, this country might not exist in 4 years if bush keeps going the way he is going. i wonder whats going to happen to all those vote or die t-shirts that mr. combs made. lmao...they will probably he cleaning rags or something. She summed up my feelings exactly. damn im gettin amped..ok ok ok ok.....no more election talk....its making the queen upset. on a lighter note...i go see def poetry tonight!!!!! im so damn excited....more excited than i have been in a long time. im not going to get my hopes up of meeting miss staceyann but if i do, ill try my best not to act starstruck. i still havent decided what im going to wear since i have to walk to the theatre. its cold as hell here so i might just wear jeans, a poncho, and some boots and call it a night. next...2 papers and 1 exam down....2 to go. i cant wait until this is finally over. spring registration starts next week. i have already made my appointment to get my senior evaluation and meet with my advisor. from my records, i only have to take my internship, a statistics class *insert frowning face here*, and 2 electives to keep me as a full time student and then...ill be DONE. i was looking at that paper like...i cant believe i have taken so many classes. to be totally honest, only a couple stick out in my mind. shit...a lot of them, i couldnt tell u shit about now. the classes that stick out in my mind are sociology, psychology, all of my criminal justice classes, the world of islam, computer repair, and all of my art classes. im considering going to my graduation. ill just go to my college graduation, not the entire university graduation. im not for sitting for 2 hours, listening to somebody talk, just to stand up and sit down. in the college graduation, they actually call your name and you go up on stage. i wonder who will get invitations. hmmmm. ill cross that bridge when i get to it. off to class to turn in this dreaded paper. in a minute home skillet....peace....cream out.

apple tree.....its late....things are on my mind that i need to get out before i rest my head. lately, we've been sorta kinda cool. the kinda cool that brings laughter to our ears and smiles at the sound of voices. the kinda cool i only feel for a selected few, you being one of the few...the few i call my cypher, my homies, my friends. its been better than its been in a while....i think you forgot about the late night venom filled words you spoke to my voice mail or the screaming i did everytime we argued about something meaningless...but it meant something then. but now, i see that i dont mean shit...to you. im like a nigga on the street that you walk past and dont acknowledge. tonight i realized that what i thought was genuine love for me...im talking about the kind of love that best friends share for each other...isnt there. the kinda of love that midnight emotion filled phone calls are made of....or the "i just wanted to make sure you're aight" type love. but i gets no love...all i get is.....well....nothin. this isnt the first time i have felt one-sidedness in our relationship...this has been an ongoing issue. where were you when i needed you? i ask myself that question over and over again. shit...where were you all the times that i needed you? out with your friends....gotta make that money, gotta do what i gotta do blah blah blah....all you're mind is focused on is you. what you need, what you want, what makes you happy, how you feel. fuck everybody else in this world that isnt doin somethin for you...thats how ya live homegirl. livin a self centered life will lead to self inflicted strife....remember that? when you needed me...ive always been here. even in the wee hours of the damn morning when you have knowledge of my irregular sleeping patterns....when you knew my money was funny...when u were being fucked up...i was still there. loyalty is a helluva thing yo. i thought shit was thicker than water between us...i guess not. im tired of tryin to save some shit that u dont appreciate or want to save. its pointless. so if you really want to be my friend....not some bitch that i used to talk to back in the day....feel free to call. if not, its definitely your lost. thats it for right now...i need to rest my mind. in a minute....peace and loyalty....cream out.

love yo'self.......its almost been a week. i have been writing, i havent published anything. the last entry i wrote that i didnt post, was very angry. i just wrote what i felt about a certain someone. i know that if she read it, she'd be hurt. i know that i say and write things that may seem a bit harsh to some but i mean every damn word of it. when i feel like ive been done wrong or shit just aint right....i tend to flip. the older and older i get, the more self centered im getting. i realized the love that ive been searching for in someone else is impossible to find. nobody is going to love me like i love me. people say that they love themselves but yo....do they really mean it? i mean, think about that for a second. do you really love yourself? do you give your body and spirit the upmost respect? probably not. people say they love themselves because it sounds good, not because they do. do you think that cigarette you are smoking and the stress you are allowing yourself to be consumed by are acts of self love??? hell no. you have to show your body, mind, and spirit love and they will give you nothing but love in return. slowly....im getting there. the process of fully loving myself is taking time....but its getting there. i am no longer my worst enemy. next...i got my friend dee ready to go to the drag show....he's the ugliest woman i have ever seen. the drag show wasnt a real drag show....it was like an ugliest woman contest. a lot of the boys wouldnt participate because they said that it was "gay". some people arent comfortable with their sexuality and thats a damn shame. no one can make you gay...thats one of those things that just is. either you are or you arent. next....i got my ticket for def poetry a couple of weeks ago. the show is on the nov. 3rd. yo...i just found out that staceyann chin will be there. i am sooooooooo excited to see her. hopefully, ill get to meet her after the show. id probably start crying or something. thats how much she moves me. have you ever had a person in your life that moved you to happy tears??? i do, and she is one of them. everytime i read her poetry or her blog, i get all tingly inside. next...now that i look back on the million years i have been in college....i cant believe ive gotten this far. right now, i have 4 papers due plus 2 exams in the next 2 weeks. i will be so damn happy when i go home for that damn week...the mental rest will be welcomed. it always seems like i have something to do, something to read, some paper to write....its always something. i need calm....i need a hug. next...i started going to the gym on wednesday and yo...i feel soooo much better. as you probably have noticed....im frustrated and going to the gym has made it a little better. i was on the eliptical machine for almost 45 minutes and didnt even realize it. it burns a little but after a while, i got used to it. my legs are still sore a little. i want my body to be right when springtime rolls around. im not trying to do anything major....tone my arms and legs and minimize my gut. im not even focused on how much i weigh...it doesnt matter to me. all my weight is, is a number. i refuse to let that number drive me crazy. it doesnt matter how much i weigh...all that matters is how well it looks. ive seen some chics that weighed about 250 that were absolutely gorgeous. its all about how you carry it. anyway, thats enough for right now, i gotta do some damn homework. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

thinking back.......i woke up this morning in an aight mood. for some reason, my lovely friend insomnia is back so i didnt fall asleep until around 4 am. which is cool because since i couldnt sleep, i was online. i went to bp chat (ohhh the horror) and to my surprise, i found some cool people to chat with. during the day it seems like a friggin circus in there. nothing but children and/or shallow minds. not saying that i dont like a shallow ass convo every now and then but damn....can we talk about more than just sex, how big your strap is, what you can do and how much ill be sprung, how much money you have, how many girls you've fucked...yada yada yada. from what ive noticed, the deep thinkers come online in the wee hours of the morning. sooo, during my bouts of insomnia, i know that ill have some peeps to vibe with. next...for the first time in about 2 weeks, i felt lonely. like i said in my last post, im dealing with it as best as i know how. im doing more so i can have less idle time. ive been celibate for 2 months not by choice and actually, now that i think about it, it hasnt been too bad. i have my times of extreme horniness but thats nothing that a hot shower and homework cant handle. i think i miss companionship most of all. its nice to have someone to just chill with. someone that i can lay beside and watch tv or someone to have a decent conversation with. one day soon...maybe. the woman that i want is out there somewhere....i hope she is thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. i wonder what she smells like....im obsessed with smells. i can remember how most of my exes smelled. those smells always bring back memories. my 1st ex smelled like dark chocolate and cocoa butter. her skin was like dark chocolate but i swear it looked like she was glowing all the time. i loved sitting on my bed when she was getting dressed. i remember the first time she gave me that gap toothed smile...i almost busted my ass going down some steps in some heels. she held my hand and was patient with me. my 3rd ex smelled like a mixture of nag champa and ganja with a splash of coconut. i used to sleep with her locs in my hand, next to my face. for a while after i left her...i couldnt sleep soundly because i didnt have her locs. to see her smile meant a lot to me....her approval meant a lot to me. its like i wanted to be the womyn that she said i could be. i wanted her to be proud of me....not another disappointment. i wonder if i was. my 2nd ex....i dont talk about her much. mainly because i have chosen not to talk to her at all....for reasons i dont quite understand anymore. anyway...she smelled like newports and snuggles fabric softener. i remember when she told me her darkest secret (according to her) and cried while she was laying on my stomach. we were in her truck and "beautiful" by tweet was on repeat. after she told me her secret, she held me like she didnt want to let me go....like i was going to leave her after she told me. i didnt that day, but i did 2 months later. see...not everything i have to say about my exes is negative. they all served their purpose and they all cross my mind occasionally. i know that i wouldnt be the womyn i am, if i hadnt been in those relationships. all of them taught me something....some things positive, other things negative. sometimes i wish i could take traits from all of them and create my muse....lol. aight...i gotta go to class. in a minute....peace and sweet memories....cream out.

dont rush me........new layout...ya like it? its kinda plain looking but thats what i was going for. something plain and simple....pay attention to the words, not the pretty pictures. i added a tagboard again and a couple more links. lemme know what yall think. ok....my sexual frustration hasnt gone away. im just dealing with it....not very well either. im going to start working out again to release some of this tension cuz im ready to flip at any given moment. next...last night i was informed that i am very harsh and outspoken. tell me some shit i dont know....fa real. i know that i tend to say whatever is on my mind at any given time....and i really dont care. im not responsible for hurt feelings. if you are a sensitive mofo...im not for you. i think my 2 weeks of niceness has come to an abrupt end. i dont feel like being pleasant or cordial anymore....maybe its due to the fact that stupidity or whiney ass people have surrounded me for the past 3 days. everywhere i look....there is another mindless person trying to invade my space. for example....im sittin at a table in the cafe...enjoying my veggie omelet and watching the football game that i didnt go to because it was raining and too damn cold....and this man and his wife keep damn staring at me. i gave him the mean mugg...the "what the fuck are u looking at?" look. i know that i look a bit different due to the fro but damn...can i have my damn face back?? at least if you are going to stare...speak or something. then, i go to get a biscuit and there was a group of people in front of me. this chic kept flippin her hair. i think that is sooooo fuckin disgusting...especially when you are around food. shit...be considerate of other people's food. i dont want your damn hair dander in my food bitch!!! you dont see me pickin my hair in the cafe...sendin stray naps flying into people's food....so dammit...keep your hair to yourself. i tell you...the irritablity has come back. people get on my damn nerves. i havent found one person besides myself that i can tolerate for more than a day. a friend of mine shared his good head story with me while i was eating lunch a couple of days ago. smh...why do i want to know how good this chic sucked his penis??? dammit...I DONT. just picturing him and that chic having sex makes me wanna puke. some things ya need to keep to yourself. she talks about giving head and needing a vibrator at the dinner table. ummm....i dont need to know that shit mayn. please feel free to shut the fuck up dammit. ok..that ends my venting session. i told yall...its not easy being me. ok...im officially tired. in a minute...peace and friggin quiet....cream out.

holla holla hollaaaaaaaaa.....i just finished cleaning up my room. the lights are dim....it smells like nag champa and jasmine....my sheets are smellin like lavender....and bilal is serenading me. i wish i had some company coming over...a brown chic with cornrows, locs, or a fro....dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, smellin like black by kenneth cole.....with a bottle of merlot in her hand and something to vibe about. shit....i wish she was comin ova. ohhhhhh...the nasty, freaky things i would do to her. *bitin my fist* well...as you may have noticed...da queen is sexually frustrated. seems like everybody is these days...'cept for hoes. well hell...even hoes are complainin. my conscious doesnt allow me to have sex with people that i dont have feelings for so since i keep comin in contact with sub-par chics and therefore develop no feelings for the heffas....im sittin here alone with a throbbin cooch. im tellin u...when my queen comes in my life...its on and poppin. im talkin bout handcuffs, blindfolds, whips with spiked heels, hair pullin, spankin dat azz type shit. *sigh* i wish she would hurry up and holla at a sista. next....i was looking at some old pics of me and my exes. i looked at most of the pics of my exes like....damn...i cant believe i put so much time and energy in that heffa. out of my 4 exes (yeah mayn...4), i can say that i truly was in love with 2. the other 2 were a mixture of infatuation and lust. anyway....looking at those pics led to memories. memories of what you ask??? take a wild damn guess. lol. some of them put it down.....heffas had me in tears...thats how good it was. *pullin my ears* woooooo saaahhhhhhhhh now...uhhhhhh...not all of them did the damn thing. some were wacker than that damn white tee song. i wonder if they think about the greatness that is my cooch and just the memory of their face all in it...inspires a smile accompanied by a throbbin clit. hmmm...i wonder. i was talking to one of them about 2 days ago and she said she misses it. i bet you dooooooo. im not one to brag but uhhh...i know i got some greatness between my legs. shit...its quality....disease free, smells good, gets all nice and gooshy, tight like a tiger, its not in need of this, and most importantly....its attached to the lovely, talented, intelligent, individual that is cream. oh well....one day ill have some freaky story to tell yall about how me and my girl sexed so much we both lost our voices, pulled muscles, and had so many orgasms that it altered the way we walk. one day. off to the shower....again. in a minute homegirls and homeboys....peace and greatness....cream that needs to cream.....out.

creamella kickabitch......this weekend has been boring. i met some new peeps....thats about it. slowly but surely im drifting away from what i thought was love. there is no doubt in my mind that the feelings i have are those of love but when it comes to hers, im not sure. how can u love someone but disregard their feelings? doesnt make sense to me. my intuition is strong...very strong. its telling me that somethings not right...no matter how i try to shape it or try to make sense of it. when you smell shit....usually...there is shit. so, right now...im chillin...feelin and diggin my damn self. ive come to the conclusion that women just aint ready for me. they are so used to scallywags that they dont know to deal with me....its beyond them. so, ill sit back...chill...continue to reject sub-par chics until i find my queen or my queen finds me...but enjoy myself in the process. next....every since wednesday, my right side has been kickin my ass. its like somebody is punching me in my side. i went to the doctor on thursday *sigh* and that fuckin man didnt tell me shit. he said if it keeps hurting to come back. ummm...how bout fix my shit now...mmmkayyyy. thats why dont like going to doctors....bamas dont know shit. how are you going to test my blood, my piss...push my sides, tell me to touch my toes...cough...all that stupid shit and this bama STILL doesnt know whats wrong with me??? smh. trust...if something ends up being seriously wrong....im gonna consult a lawyer. next....aight...me and Shaydubb Smackabitch have created alter egos. mine is cold blooded creamella kickabitch AKA ice cold creamalicious jones. we smack stupid bitches in a single bound. our goal is to rid the world of demonic bitches. im working on a graphic for our pages so yall can see the craziness that i created. i think of some weird shit sometimes....smh. ummm...what else....i still havent found a job yet. its crazy. im still lookin tho. i have to have money...da queen is expensive. yo...midterms are kickin my ass. instead of studying right now...im doing laundry and writing. i know ill be up all night studying so shit...why not do something that i need to do, plus something that i like to do until i feel like studying??? xavier called me to ask if i had any ?'s about their grad program and if i had gotten the packet they sent. im thinking about going there...seems rather cool. im not sure where i want to go yet. the world is so big and life is so damn short....decisions decisions. aight...thats enough for now. i betta study before i get too sleepy. in a minute.....peace suckas....cold blooded creamella kickabitch....out.

dammit mannnnn......its been a minute...i know. i have been busy doin me...feelin myself as i have been saying. i am slowly evolving into the womyn i want to be. i want to do so much with my life...where to begin?? you only have a limited amount of time on this earth...what will you do with it?? time is of the essence. i want to do have a lot of stories and pictures for my grandchildren. i want to have something for them to be proud of....like, my grandma did the damn thing when she was younger. i dont want to be a wasted being on this earth...doing nothing but existing. its so important to me to LIVE. where to begin???? i dont know...i havent even written down everything. shit, i have barely written here. like i said in the last post...i havent felt like writing. i have been doing more thinking than writing. inner reflection is a helluva sight. i am seeing so much of trials, heartaches, smiles, and happier times that i tend to get teary eyed now and then. i havent told anybody whats really on my mind because really....they're not ready. i dont think they are ready to face my dreams and the reality that i have been shown just by introspection. sometimes i dont think people know im as good as i really am......i was listening to cee-lo aint that line jumped out at me. really, i dont think that people know how much i write and how well i write (when i put forth the effort). i write in this blog, the way that i speak. its not formal....its not grammatically correct....its just me. last year, my writing slacked off because i lost touch with myself in loving someone. i put this on my life....ill never lose touch with myself again. maybe thats why my relationship is a struggle sometimes. im holding on to myself but offering her my hand in the process. its different...fa real. i get so upset with her...but really, my anger comes from my own personal demons that i am dealing with. ok dammit...im tired...in pain...in a minute....peace muddasuckas....cream out.

saving myself......loneliness has found me again, wrapped her arms around me, and has kept me cold most of the day. i find myself not saying too many words but having more thoughts than i can count. i express my deepest feelings in my journal.....im being a little selfish but people dont need to know everything...ill just give them a little taste. speaking of tastes....i have a taste for pizza...a pizza with chicken and a lot of veggies. ive been thinking about going vegetarian again. my body feels....polluted. the only thing is...i have a strange fetish for the mcdonalds dollar menu and chitlins. i havent eaten at mcdonalds since i left her. im not afraid to say that i miss her a little more than i should. im not afraid to say that i am afraid of the feelings that i have for her. being open scares me. right now she is at my mother's house sleeping in my bed and for the first time in 3 weeks, i have felt calmness. i worry about her a lot but now that i know she is safe, im cool. i havent felt the urge to write, mainly because i dont have anything to say. im fine...just dont feel like writing. ill holla when i do. in a minute....peace and salvation.....cream out.

miss exotic.......i feel good....migraine is under control...it doesnt hurt as bad as it did...its tolerable. last night, i couldnt sleep. i just had so much on my mind...so many emotions running through me at 1 time...i couldnt get my mind to be easy for a minute so i could get some shut eye. i called ty at 5 am in tears. like i said, so much was going on at 1 time....i needed to talk to her. we talked until 7:30. our convo isnt entirely finished because i wrote her an e-mail before i talked to her...basically voicing a lot of things that had been on my mind that i wanted to tell her, but i couldnt put into words. im not good at expressing myself verbally....give me a pen and paper and ill express myself beautifully. anyways, i feel a lot better now. when we got off the phone, i finally went to sleep for about 3 hours. i got up, took a shower, and got dressed. we had a job fair here so i had to get dressed up...well not too dressed up but more dressed up than i am normally. i rocked a red and black poncho, black capri's with the cuffs, and black 4 inch slides. i looked damn cute if i say so myself. anyway, i filled out maaad applications. i was filling out one at the bath and body works table and one of the ladies said...."you look like someone". i was like....alrighty then. well, the girl beside me said...."she looks like jill scott." now, i think jill scott is beautiful but i dont look like her. the only things we have in common are our natural hair, our complexion, and our thickness. thats it. so, they go on and on about "my look". one lady said i have an "exotic" look....whateva that means. i look like my damn self. well, my look must have impressed them because i have an interview next week. yaaayyyy me. then, i got a money order from my father. can u believe that shit? surprised the hell out of me. when i called him to tell him about it, he told me that he put another one in the mail. i dont know whats gotten into him...but whateva it is, i like it. its about time he's doing something for me besides getting on my nerves. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

migraine moments.....my head and neck feels like somebody just drop kicked me. for the past couple of days, my head has been killin me. the last time i had migraines like this....i was in connecticut. i was having one almost every week. well, dammit, they're baaaaack. my migraines laugh at tylenol and advil. nothing will make it go away but sleep and when it hurts to close your eyes...its hard to sleep. hopefully, it'll go away soon. next...i was having a conversation with my buddy 2gizzle about being "deep". people automatically assume that just because im a poet or because i have natural hair that im supposed to be "deep" all the time. like everything that comes out of my mouth is supposed to be prolific and have some kind of deep ass meaning or just because certain people inspire me and i am aware of a lot of causes (mumia, assata shakur, the AIDS epidemic in africa, etc) that im just so damn revolutionary and deep. well, sorry to disappoint ya...but uhhhh...it aint that deep. i read a lot, therefore i am aware of a lot. i suggest everyone find a cause or something to believe in. believe in something and dammit know something besides the latest person 50 cent is beefin with. know whats going on around you. knowledge is free....check ya public library. i dont find deep meanings in shit all the time....surface value is cool with me sometimes. i am a poet...but that doesnt mean that i write all the time. i write when i damn feel like it. is all my work prolific....hell no. sometimes i write straight garbage in my opinion...sometimes i write poetry that licks ya mind. depends on the day. what im trying to get at is....just because i believe in something....just because i am a writer that happens to have natural hair....just because i listen to john coltrane and spit at open mic.....doesnt mean that i am not human. im not "deep" all the time and anyone who is....smh....needs a reality check. everything isnt deep. next....my niece just turned 3 years old. it seems like yesterday that she was just a little baby that had funky diapers that made me gag. now she is a big girl....riding her little bike with training wheels, picking out her clothes, ordering her own food...yeah mayn...she's doing all that at 3. when i left home, i knew i was going to miss her more than anything. i miss her yelling for me to hold her hand while she gets her hair done, her playing on my computer, watching boobahs (zing zing zing-bah is my favorite)....i really miss my baby. she makes me want to have a child of my own. most high willing, i will conceive a child after i graduate. next....i talked to my mom today and she said "some girl called for you last night." im like....who in the hell called my mom's house because everybody i talk to, calls one of my cell phones. why in the hell did jonette call me??? just in case yall dont remember....that was the ex after tia. smh. i dont know what possessed her to call me, but im glad my mother didnt give out my number. exes are exes for a reason....not saying you shouldnt have anything to do with your exes...but damn, if they have made it clear that they dont want to have anything to do with you.....keep it movin. im cordial with all of my exes besides her. anyway...my migraine is gettin a little better. im gonna try to catch up on all the sleep ive lost. in a minute....peace....cream out.

she says...dont be.....dont cha just love insomnia??? while everyone that i know is sleeping in their beds...all snuggled up in their blankets and shit...im wide awake posting because i cant sleep. smh. shit, i dont have anything to do tomorrow so i might as well stay up all night so i can sleep all day tomorrow. i need a job ASAP before i lose more than sleep. next....this may be tmi...but this is my blog dammit. i am sexually frustrated. i have the case of the "long distance relationship hornies". i need to be touched....i need her fingers lightly touchin my face when i go to sleep. i miss the way she smells....the way her skin feels....the way she whispers my name and tells me she loves me even when she's sleep....i miss being together. *sigh* next month seems so far away. next...happy 2nd bornday to my blog. i cant believe its been 2 years. ive been through so much in the past 2 years and i have most of it to read here. there have been times when i thought puttin myself out here....letting people get a glimpse of my life and my feelings was a bad idea. the good outweigh the bad tho. writing is my passion and i think my blog reflects that somewhat. spank you very much to everybody that takes the time to read what i have to say *cough* even if yall dont comment *cough*. next...last night i had the pleasure of speaking with artiste. our conversations are....interesting to say the least. i wasnt feeling too hot and she put a lot of things that i was thinking about in perspective. she thinks that she knows me a lot less than what she does. true, we've never met in person but yo...ive been conversing with her for 2 years. she has learned a lot about me in that time. little does she know...she's one of my closest friends. muahhhzzz. next...someone left some fucked up comment about my blog...to them i say, fuck u with a rusty spoon. if ya dont like my blog, dont read it. keep it movin...get on like ya been shit on. i think sleep is callin me....in a minute....peace....cream out.

insomnia.....the time is now 4:53 am....and uhhh...im still awake. i got off the phone with my girl about an hour ago....i had just fallen asleep and i was dreamin about when we were in the park with the peaches and she.....anyway, the fuckin fire alarm went off. damn damn damn damn damn. i got up...reached for my keys and my phone (who the hell am i gonna call at 4 am???) and walked down the 6 flights of stairs on the fire escape. *sigh* it was cold as hell....im outside wearin a hoodie and boy cut shorts....freezin. they didnt let our asses back in until now. from what peeps were sayin...some stupid ass drunk bitch pulled the fire alarm. smh....if i knew which drunk bitch it was (there were about 5 out there)...i woulda kicked her in the damn throat. so now, im sittin here wide the hell awake. NEXT....my girl is back at school...finally. since im on the topic of my girl....miss prototype as i like to call her....im ready to reveal the mystery. everybody that knows me, knows who she is. well, almost everybody. i kept her identity a secret to protect someone's feelings. now, i say fuck it. remember the chic i was chillin with alllllll summer???? she took me to body camp, to the lake with the mutated catfish, held me when i cried, stimulated my mind, took care of me when i was sick as hell....her name is ty. so, now ya know. ya feel special now? anyway, what the hell was i sayin...oh yeah, ty is back at school. she's coming here in october and dammit i cant wait. it feels like its been forever since ive seen her. i guess its because we were always together over the summer....we basically lived together. she would go back to body camp once or twice a week....if that. if someone saw me, they saw her on one side of me and frannie fresh on the other side. we were like the 3 musketeers....lmao. those are my buddies...the chics that i feel the most comfortable around. now, im by my lonely. next...enough about that...i need a damn job. the job search starts today....at 1...cuz i damn sho aint gettin up before then. im going to try to work at the place i was working at last year. if not, i dont know what im going to do but i know ima have a damn job by the end of the month. oh yeah....my blog's 2nd birthday. hit up that wishlist dammit and show da queen some love. ok dammit...i need to attempt to sleep again. i hope my dream picks up where it left off. in a minute....peace homegirls and homeboys....cream of your wet dreams.....out.

cloud 8.5........im sick. i know nobody likes to be sick but dammit.....i despise it. my nose is stopped up and my throat and ribs are sore. i hope i get over this crap soon. i walked to the womyn's health office and they gave me a bag full of cold medicine. today im going to go get some orange juice and some more cold medicine for the next time i get sick...cuz it happens at least twice a year. next....i have been looking at stuff for my business for the past week. im excited as hell to say the least. i have a good feeling about it. there are so many things to do. i am giong to start off with 5 fragrances...3 for womyn and 2 unisex (for the womyn who dont want to smell "girly"). ill post more info on everything as it progresses. next....ive been kinda lonely for the past week. its hard getting used to not seeing my girl almost everyday. im just starting to get used to not sleeping with her. im used to her big head on my breasts and hearing her snoring. she is going back to school for fall semester and then she is transferring here in the spring. im kinda stressed about the whole grad school. i know i want to go but im nervous that i wont get in. pessimistic.....i know. i havent taken the GRE yet.....that bitch costs $115 each time you take it. im trying to take it 1 time....$115 is a lot for a damn test. smh. miss p keeps encouraging me and im glad to have her as my little cheerleader...lol. me and artiste have FINALLY started talking again. i missed her convos....thats my buddy. actually, everybody in my space is rooting for me. thank yall for bein here for me...muahhhzz. i really dont have anything to talk about so im out. in a minute....peace....cream out.