dammit, i need to write. everytime i feel like im losing what sanity i have left, i write. when things are well, i dont. sucks but its true. i have decided to start writing again not only because it makes me feel better but because when i leave this earth, i want something that my child (most high willing i have one) and my family can read. i know a lot of it might be kinda crazy to them but i feel like no one truly knows me. i am so damn guarded with my feelings. i dont let people in. i need to get disciplined when it comes to my life. i feel like ive wasted so much time. i am full of good ideas but i lack discipline and i dont DO. i am going to work on that. i dont even know where to begin. my father passed away on 7-24-2009. im still not over it. i think thats going to take a while. i am not only hurt, im angry. my brain is telling me its futile to be angry with someone that is no longer on this earth. at the funeral, i felt like the person they were talking about was a stranger. his wife made it all about him and her. like me and my brother did not exist. when i was sitting there, i felt like he went on with his life as if his wife's family was his family and me and my brother did not happen. then, i find out from my aunt that his wife cremated him and didnt bother to tell me. if i had went into that church expecting to see a body and there wasnt one, i woulda spazzed. his ashes werent even at the funeral. i called her the day before the funeral and told her how i felt. i wasnt disrespectful but i got my point across. i havent talked to her since the funeral. doubt that i will ever talk to her or his family again. next...my relationship. i entered a committed relationship on 6/29/2009. its been cool. ive been in a bunch of long distance relationships so its been kinda weird having someone close to me. one issue im having is trust. its so damn hard for me to trust anyone. ive never had anyone in my life that i have totally trusted. i am suspicious of people in general. anyway, she told me that she totally trusts me. on a scale of 1-10, i trust her about a 4. trust is going to take some time. i still have my guard up. i dont think ive fully trusted anyone i have ever dated. they all did things that made me feel like they couldnt be given a lot of trust. with her, we have been together and she cheated on me before. so thats a huge trust issue right there. i'm working on it. i just have some other peeves she doesnt really know about.