spring....where to begin? so much has happened but then again, a lot hasnt. ive become a lot more adventurous. more outgoing. more restless. once i got my own car, i feel like i sprouted wings. i bought a 2005 cadillac cts, black on black. i named her baby. the car note kicks my ass but its worth it. its nice to be able to get up and go whenever i feel like it and not have a time limit on anything. i can get in my car and just ride out when i feel like it. most of the time, i just drive to the country to see buddy. that 30 minute ride is like therapy for me. i turn my music up and open my sunroof, and sing to the top of my lungs. the ride is gorgeous. its a bunch of trees and farms but its beautiful. once i get out of the city, it smells different. since its spring time, you can smell honeysuckles in the air. there are these little white flowers that are on the side of the road all the time and i LOVE the way they smell. don't know the name of them. they make me sneeze but they smell wonderful. at the end of last month, me and the fam went to see my father. his girlfriend called me and told me that he isnt doing well. he has liver cancer and his doctors have basically told him that there is nothing more they can do for him. i hadnt talked to him in about a week so me and ma called him. when he answered the phone, he didnt even sound like himself. his speech was slurred. ma started crying. i couldnt believe that. anyway, we all (me, ma, my brother, and his wife) decided to drive up there and see him. if we didnt do it right away, we might not have gotten to see him alive again. his girlfriend told me he didnt look the same and when i saw him i wasnt going to recognize him. so, we finally get to his house which by the way i had never been to. we walk in and there is his mother. *sigh* i dont know if i have written about his mother before but just in case i havent, i dont like her. i dont have any desire to talk to her or have a relationship with her. thats a long story that ill write about one day (if i havent already). anyway, we sit down and he walks in. i immediately get teary eyed. he was frail looking. i know he has lost at least 60 lbs. my father looked healthy the last time i saw him. he barely has meat on his bones now. he looked like walking death. so, everybody talks and stuff. his mother didnt make an attempt to have a conversation with me. i think my father's girlfriend told her how i felt (like i give a damn). she was all on my brother and his wife....talkin about having more great grandchildren. hell, she didnt treat us like grandchildren so why should i expect her to do anything for her great grandchildren? like i said, i dont particularly care for her. i dont know how i feel about my father dying. im upset because i thought that one day we would establish a relationship where we would get to know each other more, talk on the phone, visit each other, and all the stuff that fathers and daughters are supposed to do. i thought one day he would come to his senses and realize how much he missed out on and make it a point not to miss anything else. now, cancer is taking that away from me. i cant be mad at myself because i have tried over and over and over again to establish a relationship between us. it was him who didnt work with me. so, i have a little anger because of that. i dont want him to hurt regardless of what has happened between us. he looked like he was in a lot of pain but was trying to put on a strong face for me and my brother. yesterday, i talked to my father's girlfriend and the doctors told her that they think he will live for about 2 more weeks. he is barely talking. most of the time, he is asleep. im glad that i got to see him when he was doing just a little bit better. im trying to mentally prepare myself for the phone call. maybe it wont hurt so bad. next....the kitchen. my brother's wife caught the kitchen on fire. how you ask? she was heating grease for some fries and went in my room to get on myspace. smh. no stove. house smelled like smoke. the insurance company sent a cleaning crew and the smell is pretty much gone. im so tired of eating fast food. if i dont eat fast ever again in life, i wouldnt mind it. we are supposed to be getting a new stove, cabinets, and floor for our kitchen. i know the home owner's insurance is going to go up but it will be my brother's wife's responsibility. im just thankful that no one was hurt. next...i have started a new blog that i may add to this one. more details as it gets closer to launch. thats enough for now. i feel like ive written a mini-novel. in a minute....i promise....peace and love....prolific out.