everything i am....damn, its been almost 5 years that i have been writing here. i was blogging before the shit was considered cool. i started this journal because i love to write, point blank. i didnt give a damn if anybody read it. at first, a lot of people read it. now, im not so sure because i dont update like i used to and i dont know if my blog rings and all that crap still work. reading my old posts makes me laugh a lil bit. im glad i wrote because when i went back and read some of the old posts, it brought back memories. anybody that knows me knows that my memory is shot. i definitely need to write more than what i have been doing. its like, i come home from work, bullshit, and go to sleep. wake up the next day and go to work. its crazy. i will make it a point to write more, not only for my sanity, but for the memories i need to record. next...friskins had cheyanne aka beans on 9/05/07 at 5:26 pm. she weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces. she came into this world with a bunch of drama. i wont get into all that tho. seeing her made me feel happy because she is finally here but it also reminded me of the problems that i am going to have getting pregnant. i have officially been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which means that my ovaries are stingy. instead of them releasing a ripe egg every month, they keep the eggs and the eggs turn into cysts in my ovaries. so, i dont ovulate and i cant get pregnant. in order for me to get pregnant, i have to take some kind of medication to make me ovulate. right now, my doctor put me on birth control to make me have a period every month. hell, i know its not for birth control. last time i checked, spit didnt make babies and even if it did, its been a year since i had sex anyway. it pisses me off that chics that fuck anything that has a dick, chics that aint bout shit, chics that have the maturity level of a preschooler, can get pregnant as easily as the wind blows and i have to go through all this stupid shit because my body doesnt want to cooperate. im fuckin hurt, angry, and frustrated at the same time. i understand that this syndrome shit doesnt necessarily mean that i will never have a child. it just means that it will be much harder for me to conceive. i know that i have to be strong cuz like kanye said what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger. its just hard sometimes. ive been reading about this syndrome shit (thats what i officially call it) and it has explained to me why a lot of things have happened. me being depressed and not knowing why i would be aight one minute and crying the next minute...the syndrome shit. the fact that my gut is the biggest thing on my body...the syndrome shit. my absent period....the syndrome shit. the hair that is now growin all over my body....the syndrome shit. high blood pressure....yep, the syndrome shit. i wish there was some way that i could make myself all better. i just need to get past this. i have a plan and most high willing, it will work. i will have a child before before the end of 2008. i have someone (pending an HIV test) that will father my child. all i have to do is get checked, get the medication, do the do, and pray to the most high that i conceive. with faith and the same amount of effort, ill not only be in better health, ill be a mother too. damn, writing this, has made me feel so much better. writing is my therapy. 5 long years and by the grace of the most high, im still here. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.