nyame dua.....for the first time in a long time, i looked at myself and saw beauty and strength. ive been through so much in my life and will probably go through a lot more because hey, thats life. but guess what? im still here. head high. today i went shopping and for the first time, i didnt feel shitty because i couldnt find something that felt good. its always something that doesnt fit right or looks like somebody's great grandma lullabelle would wear. i spent a grip for what i wanted but i look damn good in it. i dyed my hair red again. brown or black hair isnt me. never has been. i dont give a fuck if its not "corporate" looking. its all me. i got the tattoo ive been talking about for 2 years. its an adinkra symbol called nyame dua which is a symbol of the most high's presence and protection. i got it on the lower part of my neck...right on my spine. it hurt a lil bit but while it was being done it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. all the bullshit ive been stressed about doesnt matter. im overweight. so what? i have a buncha damn bills. so what? i cant drive. so what? im single. so what? my self esteem isnt as high as it should be. so the fuck what? im here. im still learning to live in the present and enjoy it. my time on this earth is limited. its going to be cut short even more if i continue to worry about shit that doesnt matter. what other people think of me, doesnt matter. what they eat doesnt make me shit. from now on, its about my happiness, achieving my goals, doing better that i did before, and living my life like its....irreplaceable. fuck that other bullshit. as long as the most high has my back, i can do anything. this is just the beginning. in a minute....peace and gettin back to U....prolific out.

get me bodied....i just came in from the best night at the club ive had in a longgggg time. i danced in 5 inch heels like i would dance barefoot. i bounced my booty or lack thereof on shay and shane. shane was looking fly dressed in skulls. shay was lookin extra preppy in her button down. i danced until my legs and feet burned. fuck tae bo. dance in heels in the club. anyway, me, nishers, shane, and shay acted a damn fool. upper echelon...bitches. now, im back at home with a ton of shit on my mind. well, not a ton and not shit literally, but you get the point. anyway, ive realized that as much as i say im ready to be in a relationship, i know that im not. i know that i would still hold on to myself with both hands even if i was in a relationship. a relationship cant work like that. if im not opening my heart, whats the point? im not ready to open myself up like that. its going to take a lot and i do mean a helluva lot to break down this wall that i have constructed around my heart. i mean hell, my heart can get stomped on for only so many times before it begins to protect itself. thats where i am right now. if my neo comes, she will have to know how to break down that wall. if she cant, she isnt the one. *sigh* next...my work schedule changes on tuesday. ill be working from 3-1am. it sucks to be me. ive been looking for another job with no luck. there isnt a damn thing out there. im not going to stop looking tho. i know i can do better. aight, time to lay it down. in a minute.....peace and 5 inch heels....prolific out.