Capricorn

It could be that a mental war is brewing in your world today, dear Capricorn. There is an extremely active part of your psyche that needs to be heard. Feel free to say your piece openly and honestly.



this might be a long post because i have a lot on my mind. i was looking forward to my weekend off. well, my father came down here after i told me that i didnt feel like being bothered. to make the long story short, he came down here and he and my mother got into an argument....the last thing i wanted to see. there are so many negative emotions between the two that i knew it was bound to happen. i looked at him sitting on my couch and thought about the times when i was hungry or when i didnt get a damn thing for christmas or when the men that i trusted physically abused me.....he was somewhere laid up. now, he wants to move here and "right his wrongs". the wrongs cant be righted in this lifetime. it would take more than just a couple of visits, calling me occasionally, and popping up when you werent invited to make things right. i sit in front of him and i dont know what to say...what can i talk to this man about? im closer to my mother's boyfriend than i am to my own father. now, dont get it fucked up, i love my father but its a weird type love....like, i love him but i dont like him. he has done soooo much stuff over the years that im really surprised that i can talk to him without getting angry now. ive made a lot of progress but not so much progress that im cool with him poppin up whenever he feels like it or he can just move here and we could have the perfect father-daughter relationship. thats not going to happen.
i went to the doctor yesterday and everything that is wrong with the world is due to my weight. the united states cant find weapons of mass destruction...due to my weight. i cant sleep...due to my weight. it has rained all day....due to my weight. ya get the point now? im just sick of this whole weight issue. ive always had a problem with my weight...every since i was young. ive always been chubby. now that im trying to eat right, nothing is happening. its like im eating 9489283 cheeseburgers a day when really im eating salads and fruit with taco bell once a week. i want to slim down to about 175 pounds. i know i didnt gain this weight over night so its not going to go away but dammit, can i at least see a little bit of progress? i want to start working out again but in order to do that, id have to go to work earlier. thats not a big deal except im not looking forward to working out in front of a bunch of cocky police officers. *sigh* the doctor told me that i need to start working out. now, i dont mind working out but i do mind being tired all of the time. how in the hell can i work out when im tired all of the time??? its like no matter what time i lay down, i go to sleep when my body is ready, not when im tired, if that makes sense. i go to bed between 230-430 every morning and then i wake up about 4 times before i get up. the things the doctor told me, i could have read on webmd or something. im starting to believe that healthcare is a fuggin joke around here. the doctor did take some blood so it could be tested for diabetes and a thyroid problem. im thinking positive about it tho.....i know what i have to do to prevent diabetes, its just a matter of doing it. all i know is, i have the poorest self-image of anyone i know and that is sooooo NOT hot fiyah. i got a lot of work to do. in a minute....peace and love....prolific.

do you......today started off for a lack of better words, eff’ed up. my mother had to go to the doctor because her eye has looked like someone hit her in it for the past week. i had to convince her to go because she hates going to doctors. hell, i do too but if my eye was swollen like hers, i would have been at the hospital yesterday. so, while she went to the doctor i had to babysit the child that she keeps during the day. now keep in mind that i’m usually good with kids…adults are usually the ones who piss me off. not this child. she cries all the time, even when nothing is wrong with her. after you feed her, she pukes not only from her mouth, but her nose too and that’s after every feeding. her mother holds her constantly and so when she comes to our house, she wants to be held. well, sorry to be the meanypants but uhh…..im not holding her all day. she better chill in the vibrating baby chair or the swing for a while. anyway, she cried from the moment my mother left until she came back. to top it off, she had a diarrhea diaper too. now, anybody that knows me knows i cant stand poo. i can barely stand to look at my own. i changed her diaper and washed her because she had poo going up her back. it was disgusting. i’m proud of my accomplishment….i can now change a shitty diaper without puking. i’m not going to front, i gagged a lil bit but no puke. i need to get a little more patience before i have my own child. i have a year to work on it because in 2007, i will be getting prego before my ovaries look like raisins and my hair turns gray. i don’t want to be 35 years old trying to get pregnant. that’s too damn old for me. at 35, i don’t want to chase a toddler around. fugga that. next…..i’ve been hella irritable today. maybe its because i didn’t get to sleep until 11 like i usually do. people keep plucking my nerves and campaigning for a verbal lashing. i’m tired of not being able to do what i want and i refuse to believe that i cant. that mess applies to every one else. i refuse to have a work then home routine. i refuse to be boring. i refuse to just exist. in the words of matt white…..”i do what i want to do…you do what you can.” i wont stop until i get what i want. in a minute…..peace and freelance....the artist now known as prolific....out.

spirits.....its been a long time, almost a month since i have written here. i have been busy trying to make since out of my life and trying my hardest to enjoy the small amount of free time that i have. there is never enough time to do what i want to do because my life is filled with things that i dont want to do but i have to do....dishes, work, laundry, etc. i guess thats life unless you are born rich and dont have to work for a living. i would love to go shopping all day and have time to take knitting classes and go to culinary school but bills have to be paid. having an assistant would be good...then maybe instead of doing my laundry or worrying about cleaning my room, i could focus on my businesses. anyway, i havent written in a while mainly because i have been LIVING. not to say that i wasnt living before but recently ive been going out and doing things. ive been stepping out of my batcave better know as my room and i have been enjoying myself. i dont even know where to begin. me and miss dubb have been going to a bar almost every week for the past month. ive realized that my tolerance for alcohol is higher than i thought. the night i drank a cosmopolitan and a bahama mama i was standing on the line between tipsy and drunk. i try to drink something different every time but miss dubb always has to have her strawberry punk drink....lmao. tastes like frozen strawberry koolaid with whipped cream on top if ya ask me. ive learned that bartenders can be some ol shammin mofos. i ordered a long beach iced tea which is supposed to have the same amount of liquor as a long island iced tea but it has cranberry juice instead of cola. there is even a 2 drink maximum with it. that drink did absolutely nothing. that night was just a bad night tho....my sandwich wasnt right, the drinks sucked, dubb's girlfriend called her actin like i want dubb *sidenote...steppin to the mic* chics need a life, seriously. i dont want ya girl....we are just FRIENDS. 2 chics can be friends and not fuck. im not attracted to her like that...she is like my brova yo and unlike most females that you know, i have morals. i dont fuck just anyone and i DONT fuck my friends. commitment is a prerequisite of cream's panties droppin 400(sorry kiddies, no freshman courses offered ova here....upperclassmen only). if you have to worry about her strayin, maybe you have some insecurity issues you need to deal with. *droppin the mic* aayyyye dubb....i had that clip of the dog from family guy dancing a long time ago. it makes me think about us in the grocery store now...lmaoooo. next....ive realized that as social as i have been lately, im still anti-social. i dont want to talk half of the time. if i could go all day on mute, i would. my job requires that i talk to people and my fam wants to talk to me constantly so thats not an option. maybe one day. time for me to go back to the ol' j-o-b....peace and bahama mamas....the artist formally known as cream...out.