sesa woruben......the past couple of days, we have been talking. the conversations are different....filled with laughter and uncomfortable bouts of silence after the mention of something we did when we were together. like the first day we met and i cooked for her and she fuuuuuuucked that chicken up...how nervous i was walking out of the bathroom in my 6 inch heels and my lace negligee....hoping that i wouldnt bust my ass. we have a love-hate relationship. sometimes i love her and sometimes i wanna judo chop her in the throat. i told her that an old aquaintance of hers has a mini-crush on me. at first, she was like "oh...fa real?" then, maybe 30 minutes and a couple of topics later, she brought it up again. her going on and on about it let me know that she still has feelings for me. i cant lie and say there arent any feelings in my heart for her because there will always be place in my heart for her. she knows more about me than anybody outside of my family. i just didnt think that she felt the same way about me. evolution always moves forward....ill neva go there again. next....remember all those chics i was talking to? well, the chic that played with her cooch on the phone was dismissed waaaaayyyyyy back. the young puerto rican was dismissed around the same time. the chic that i was feeling recently has gone stagnant. the chic in georgia is still around, barely. she is hanging on by a thread. the aquaintance of my ex's is real cool peeps but i dont see anything developing between us. i have a lil crush on someone who shall remain nameless. she intrigues me....makes me smile in the brief convos we have. next....ive been working out a lot lately. releasing all this frustration is a good thing. im tryin to get my body right for my health. im tryin to live to be in my 90's. i want to do everything that ive ever dreamed of. like 50 said "i gotta lotta livin to do before i die and i aint got time to waste" in a minute....peace and living it up....cream out.

uhhh.....ok......at the present time, im at my lovely internship. there arent any trials this morning so im chillin in the office. i felt the sudden urge to spill my guts so...here i am. ive been vibing with a lot of people lately, all positive. its funny how when you are surrounded by or just interacting with positive people, it changes the way you see things. they have opened my eyes to quite a bit. that leads me back to my "confidence" issues. i am my worst critic, i know this for a fact. the reality is tho...if i dont believe i am greatness in all aspects of my life, who will? my confidence issues have hindered me from writing like i used to. nobody came out and said "cream, what you write is garbage." but i felt that way. im working on not comparing myself to others. staceyann chin is talented but she's not me and im not her. that applies to all the writers that i admire. i pulled out a notebook and started writing again. slowly but surely, im steppin my game up. next....my phone hasnt been ringing like it used to. am i upset about it? hell no. most of the time, its someone calling me to vent or talk about some ish that i dont want to hear anyway. i shoulda charge $59.95 for each session. id have money to buy these petit peton boots i want. the only person that calls me to vent now is my grandma and she is excused. she needs to vent and to hear my opinion of the situation...cuz "cream is the only one that has some damn sense". *blushin* i love my grandma. thats my heart. anyway, im glad certain people, namely my exes, havent been calling me. we're cool but i feel that there is some distance needed. they are a part of my past and they need to stay there. maybe one day, ill be able to talk to them without feeling any ill feelings but right now....i wouldnt mind tellin them all to take the express train to hell. mean ass cream...yeah yeah, i know. next....ive been tired as hell lately. there arent enough hours in the day for me to do what the hell i need to do. it seems like im constantly doing something other than what i need to do for myself. i dont have time to rest...4 hours of sleep a night is a blessing. insomnia is no joke boys and girls. just to be easy for a day would probably do wonders. since i have monday off...that will be my "be easy day". im gonna sleep late and only do things that benefit me. its all about me, me, me, me, me. anyway, im going to find something to do. in a minute....peace and selfishness....cream out.

seconds of pleasure.....i admit, ima sensitive mofo. i come off as mean and cold but under the mean mug and the "fuck you and the pussy you came from" attitude, lives a sensitive chic. only certain people can really hurt my feelings and one of those people did. they dont know they did, but trust and believe, i havent forgotten anything that they said or did the last time i saw them. which brings me to the conclusion i need to check my confidence. my un-belief in my self has hindered me from doing soooo much. i thought i wasnt good enough. i though i wasnt pretty enough. i thought i wasnt smart enough. when in reality, i could have succeeded in those things, i just didnt put forth the effort out of fear and lack of confidence. i have sooo many things i want to do in my life and i need to take care of that confidence issue ASAP. the person that hurt me didnt do it on purpose...maybe i needed that to happen to make me realize the issue. maybe one day ill put aside my ego and tell them that they hurt me....maybe. next...ive been thinking about sex soooo much today. im turning into a little hornball. listenin to van hunt isnt making it any better. there is so much i havent done that i want to do. i want to make love in the country while its raining...the rain washing the red mud from our bodies. there are other things besides that but ill keep them to myself. i dont want to expose the freak that i am...lol. it all boils down to, i want to be made love to. i miss the intimacy of a relationship...i miss being touch by hands other than my own. i admit, its nice to sleep by myself, but sometimes i miss having to share the cover. i miss all the little things about a relationship that most people take for granted. one day it will happen....in due time. next...i went to the gym today and my legs are sooooo sore. they are tight from all the walking that ive been doing and that damn elliptical machine. ill be where i need to be, physically, in due time. the mental thing is gonna take a minute. aight homegirls and homeboys, i need to study. in a minute....peace and loving my damn self....cream out.

1 to da 2, 2 to da 3, 3 to da 4.......so much has happened, so much i need to write about. this post might be a long one, so get comfy. its funny how people dont appreciate the little things that this world offers you. it was really pretty outside and warmer than it has been in a while. 40 degrees feels like heaven when its been below 20 degrees for the past 2 weeks. anyway, i did my laundry, chilled, and enjoyed my solitude. that didnt stop my mother and my grandma from callin me every 30 minutes. they tend to put me in an uncomfortable space. my grandma calls me to talk about my mother and a lot of things she says are true. some things are exaggerated but i listen anyway. i know im the only person that she calls to vent so i just sit quietly and listen. now, my mother calls me to talk about my grandma. they both need to go to dr. phil or some other therapist because im tired of feeling like the middlewoman. it hurts me when my grandmother says negative things about my mother but hell...sometimes its the truth. like the old saying goes...the truth hurts. i love my mother but i dont agree with her choices and how she goes about things sometimes. i know she doesnt agree with some of the things that i choose, especially my sexuality, but the difference between me and her is....she has been on this earth a lot longer than i have and she is still making the same mistakes that she was making when she was my age. there have been times where i have sat down and tried to figure out why she is the way she is and why she thinks the way she does. i came up with nothing. oh...and my father. smh. i havent talked to him since my birthday. i know he has my number and i refuse to call him. all the contact that we have ever had as been because i initiated it. next...on to my non-existant love life. chics these days trip me out. my motto is "fuck 'em". if you cant come correct, on a grown woman level, please feel free to stay the fuck away from me. its like everytime i turn around, another one bites the dust. smh....one day a good woman come into my life. i need to stop bullshittin and take my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and lemme lone bitch...cream out.