black sheep.......sometimes...blogger sucks hippo nuts. i updated last night and when i went to publish, the damn thing started actin funny. so, here i am again...writing it all over again. i didnt have internet access while i was home. it sucked somethin terrible because i needed to write. writing is like therapy for me. it calms me down. so, since i couldnt write except for in my big notebook, i was an emotional mess while i was there. writing with a pen just doesnt get it for me when im upset. anyway, home was ok. being home brought back a lot of memories and feelings that i would rather forget. i realized why my ex is a part of my past and why she will remain in the past. i cant keep exposing myself to tired ass, game playing, women. im officially single and not looking. if a woman that has her shit together comes to me, fine. if she doesnt, fine. im takin some time out to enjoy me. along with that revelation, came the idea of being celibate. well, really, i dont have a choice. im not into having casual sex. thats just gross. so, until i am with someone that i know loves me and isnt about some bullshit, ill be celibate. ill be ok...i was celibate for 2 years before my first ex. next...i felt a little uncomfortable when i was home. im the black sheep of my fam...always have been. its easier to deal with it from a distance. when its right in my face, i feel uncomfortable. there were times when i sat on my mother's porch and cried. my fam is a lot different from me. my friends always say that they wish they had a fam like mine. i love them, dont get me wrong, i just dont feel like i belong....i dont fit in. if i didnt look like my mother, i would believe that i was adopted. ok ok ok...thats enough of that depressin shit. i know this is tmi but uhhhh....my boobies are so friggin sore. so sore, that i dont want put on a bra. sometimes, it sucks being a girl. lawd help me when im pregnant. lemme get my ass in the shower...that might help. be back lata. in a minute....peace and serenity...cream out.

get ya respect up.....or get laid down. just a quick post before i go to class and then to work. hopefully, ill get home in time to finish writing this damn paper. in my last post, i spoke of a certain female that im officially cuttin off like a gangrenous limb. fuck her and the cooch she came from. that decision was made today. why talk to someone that purposely hurts you? why talk to someone that says things that they know will hurt you...just because they know they are part of the few that can hurt you? why interact with someone that constantly throws negative energy your way? everybody doesnt have a right to be in your life and this chic hasnt deserved her place in mine. so, fuck her with a cyanide lubricated fork. the best lies you ever told were all the times you said you love me. complete and unadulterated bullshit. its been proven time and time again that you only love your damn self. you constantly manipulate people to get what you want. like i always say....karma is an evil bitch. she'll smack dat ass one day. next...i went to the doctor today...nothing that i was looking forward to. gettin my cooch jacked up and all that unpleasant stuff is part of being a womyn. as long as im healthy, im good. what irritated me was the nurse giving me condoms AFTER i told her that i am a lesbian. now, i understand that you can put condoms on straps but ummm....i dont fuck with nasty bitches that reuse their straps. new relationship=new strap. smh. im going to put a basket outside of my door so these nasty heffas around here and use them. ima start passin them out like mints. aight....im going to class. ill holla when i get home. in a minute.....peace and respect....cream out.

the anti-love.......im in the library finna work on my case briefs and homework for this week. before i get down to business, there are some things i need to get off of my brain. first of all, def poetry was amazing. it was 2 hours of straight fire...neva a dull moment. the only thing i didnt like was there wasnt an intermission. so, i held my pee for 2 hours because i didnt want to miss anything. miss staceyann was wonderful. her work brings tears to my eyes. its amazing how good poetry makes you feel....it can move you from happiness, to sadness, provoke thoughts, and it just might make you want to burn your notebook. all of the poets made me want to keep writing and most high willing, i will be on that stage with them one day. if def poetry ever comes near you, GO SEE IT. its worth every dime. next...some days i feel like im on top of the world..on top of my game and on other days, i feel like im in a big pit on my knees, looking up at the world. my "fuck it, fuck you and the cooch ya came from" attitude is still there but that doesnt stop me from being lonely. i wish my queen would hurry up. where are you homegirl? like i said before, maybe im not ready for her or she isnt ready for me but damn yo, how many more tired women do i have to talk to before she comes to me? the most high has a huge sense of humor, i tell you. the minute that i think i have my life together, just when i think im strong enough to live my life, he/she throws something at me for me to trip on. its like, im running and just when i can see the finish line, the most high puts a rock in the ground and i trip and fall flat on my face. what is the meaning of all this crap that im going through? honestly, i dont know. i pray every night that he/she remove these feelings that im having. maybe its a test to see if ill crack up and go crazy. im trying to hold on to the sanity i have left and keep moving forward. contrary to popular belief, i do have a couple of ounces of sanity left. next....i spoke with 2 of my exes over the weekend. they havent gotten on my nerves in a long time so i knew it was bound to happen eventually. i dont want to talk to ex #1 (not literally ex #1) for a while. i thought that i had gotten out all of the feelings that i had for her...but i guess not. during our convo....i got really quiet. she was talking about some things that i shouldnt have been hearing. after a while, her voice started to annoy me like someone scratching a chalkboard. you know how people have panic attacks? well, it was almost like that but more like "i need to hang up ASAP before i scream at this demonic, insensitive, self centered heffa". when i say heffa....instead of....well, yall know what i would say but...im being nice...gold star for cream! anyway, when i started biting my nails and tears started to form in my eyes, i knew it was time to end the conversation. so, i dismissed myself from the fucked up conversation and went to the library where i couldnt focus. if something or someone is bothering me, i cant focus entirely on what im doing. i wrote some pretty mean things in my journal about her but i needed to release the negativity associated with the conversation that we had. i really dont have too much to say to her at this point. maybe in a couple of weeks....maybe not. ex #2 didnt really get on my nerves, she just said some things that bothered me. maybe im just irritable, i dont know. next...i have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and i have to work at the arena tomorrow night. im not looking forward to the whole doctor thing because i dont like gettin that whole pap smear thing done. makes me feel funny. oh well...its all for my baby so i can deal with it. the only good thing about working is the fact that im getting paid to see a young buck concert. *cheesin* ok...i need to start on this homework before i fall asleep in this chair. in a minute.....peace and a focused mind.....cream out.

voted and defeated......where to begin? well, first of all, i want to say how disappointed i am about the presidential election. im not going to go on and on about how fucked up this country has been for the last 4 years...or the past 4 decades for that matter. i walked 10 blocks to vote for kerry....thats how dedicated i was to vote. on the way there, i thought about how my great-great grandmother (who my grandma says i act like) couldnt vote. even if i didnt have an opinion about this election (which you know i did), i would have still voted out of respect for my ancestors and all the people that fought along side of them for me to have the right to vote. when i walked in the polling place, everybody seemed to turn around to look at me. now, i know im a different looking black chic. i dont look like those women on bet or mtv. my fro was picked out, i had on my red, black, and green wristbands....looked very "militant". a little lady that reminded me of my grandma sat beside me and she put her hand on my shoulder and said "honey, im so glad to see a young black woman voting to get us out of the bushes". lol. she went on to tell me how much she liked my hair and how she had a fro when she was younger. that was the highlight of my voting experience besides me pushing the little red button that said vote. i love older people....*sigh* last night, i was watching the election coverage on cnn and bush looked too convinced that he was going to win. he had this smirk like one of those kids that knows he set something up to be in his favor. now, its over and of course he stole the election again. the good news is, there is only 4 more years of this asshole and we might have a chance to put a qualified person in office. the bad news is, this country might not exist in 4 years if bush keeps going the way he is going. i wonder whats going to happen to all those vote or die t-shirts that mr. combs made. lmao...they will probably he cleaning rags or something. She summed up my feelings exactly. damn im gettin amped..ok ok ok ok.....no more election talk....its making the queen upset. on a lighter note...i go see def poetry tonight!!!!! im so damn excited....more excited than i have been in a long time. im not going to get my hopes up of meeting miss staceyann but if i do, ill try my best not to act starstruck. i still havent decided what im going to wear since i have to walk to the theatre. its cold as hell here so i might just wear jeans, a poncho, and some boots and call it a night. next...2 papers and 1 exam down....2 to go. i cant wait until this is finally over. spring registration starts next week. i have already made my appointment to get my senior evaluation and meet with my advisor. from my records, i only have to take my internship, a statistics class *insert frowning face here*, and 2 electives to keep me as a full time student and then...ill be DONE. i was looking at that paper like...i cant believe i have taken so many classes. to be totally honest, only a couple stick out in my mind. shit...a lot of them, i couldnt tell u shit about now. the classes that stick out in my mind are sociology, psychology, all of my criminal justice classes, the world of islam, computer repair, and all of my art classes. im considering going to my graduation. ill just go to my college graduation, not the entire university graduation. im not for sitting for 2 hours, listening to somebody talk, just to stand up and sit down. in the college graduation, they actually call your name and you go up on stage. i wonder who will get invitations. hmmmm. ill cross that bridge when i get to it. off to class to turn in this dreaded paper. in a minute home skillet....peace....cream out.

apple tree.....its late....things are on my mind that i need to get out before i rest my head. lately, we've been sorta kinda cool. the kinda cool that brings laughter to our ears and smiles at the sound of voices. the kinda cool i only feel for a selected few, you being one of the few...the few i call my cypher, my homies, my friends. its been better than its been in a while....i think you forgot about the late night venom filled words you spoke to my voice mail or the screaming i did everytime we argued about something meaningless...but it meant something then. but now, i see that i dont mean shit...to you. im like a nigga on the street that you walk past and dont acknowledge. tonight i realized that what i thought was genuine love for me...im talking about the kind of love that best friends share for each other...isnt there. the kinda of love that midnight emotion filled phone calls are made of....or the "i just wanted to make sure you're aight" type love. but i gets no love...all i get is.....well....nothin. this isnt the first time i have felt one-sidedness in our relationship...this has been an ongoing issue. where were you when i needed you? i ask myself that question over and over again. shit...where were you all the times that i needed you? out with your friends....gotta make that money, gotta do what i gotta do blah blah blah....all you're mind is focused on is you. what you need, what you want, what makes you happy, how you feel. fuck everybody else in this world that isnt doin somethin for you...thats how ya live homegirl. livin a self centered life will lead to self inflicted strife....remember that? when you needed me...ive always been here. even in the wee hours of the damn morning when you have knowledge of my irregular sleeping patterns....when you knew my money was funny...when u were being fucked up...i was still there. loyalty is a helluva thing yo. i thought shit was thicker than water between us...i guess not. im tired of tryin to save some shit that u dont appreciate or want to save. its pointless. so if you really want to be my friend....not some bitch that i used to talk to back in the day....feel free to call. if not, its definitely your lost. thats it for right now...i need to rest my mind. in a minute....peace and loyalty....cream out.