love yo'self.......its almost been a week. i have been writing, i havent published anything. the last entry i wrote that i didnt post, was very angry. i just wrote what i felt about a certain someone. i know that if she read it, she'd be hurt. i know that i say and write things that may seem a bit harsh to some but i mean every damn word of it. when i feel like ive been done wrong or shit just aint right....i tend to flip. the older and older i get, the more self centered im getting. i realized the love that ive been searching for in someone else is impossible to find. nobody is going to love me like i love me. people say that they love themselves but yo....do they really mean it? i mean, think about that for a second. do you really love yourself? do you give your body and spirit the upmost respect? probably not. people say they love themselves because it sounds good, not because they do. do you think that cigarette you are smoking and the stress you are allowing yourself to be consumed by are acts of self love??? hell no. you have to show your body, mind, and spirit love and they will give you nothing but love in return. slowly....im getting there. the process of fully loving myself is taking time....but its getting there. i am no longer my worst enemy. next...i got my friend dee ready to go to the drag show....he's the ugliest woman i have ever seen. the drag show wasnt a real drag show....it was like an ugliest woman contest. a lot of the boys wouldnt participate because they said that it was "gay". some people arent comfortable with their sexuality and thats a damn shame. no one can make you gay...thats one of those things that just is. either you are or you arent. next....i got my ticket for def poetry a couple of weeks ago. the show is on the nov. 3rd. yo...i just found out that staceyann chin will be there. i am sooooooooo excited to see her. hopefully, ill get to meet her after the show. id probably start crying or something. thats how much she moves me. have you ever had a person in your life that moved you to happy tears??? i do, and she is one of them. everytime i read her poetry or her blog, i get all tingly inside. next...now that i look back on the million years i have been in college....i cant believe ive gotten this far. right now, i have 4 papers due plus 2 exams in the next 2 weeks. i will be so damn happy when i go home for that damn week...the mental rest will be welcomed. it always seems like i have something to do, something to read, some paper to write....its always something. i need calm....i need a hug. next...i started going to the gym on wednesday and yo...i feel soooo much better. as you probably have noticed....im frustrated and going to the gym has made it a little better. i was on the eliptical machine for almost 45 minutes and didnt even realize it. it burns a little but after a while, i got used to it. my legs are still sore a little. i want my body to be right when springtime rolls around. im not trying to do anything major....tone my arms and legs and minimize my gut. im not even focused on how much i weigh...it doesnt matter to me. all my weight is, is a number. i refuse to let that number drive me crazy. it doesnt matter how much i weigh...all that matters is how well it looks. ive seen some chics that weighed about 250 that were absolutely gorgeous. its all about how you carry it. anyway, thats enough for right now, i gotta do some damn homework. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

thinking back.......i woke up this morning in an aight mood. for some reason, my lovely friend insomnia is back so i didnt fall asleep until around 4 am. which is cool because since i couldnt sleep, i was online. i went to bp chat (ohhh the horror) and to my surprise, i found some cool people to chat with. during the day it seems like a friggin circus in there. nothing but children and/or shallow minds. not saying that i dont like a shallow ass convo every now and then but damn....can we talk about more than just sex, how big your strap is, what you can do and how much ill be sprung, how much money you have, how many girls you've fucked...yada yada yada. from what ive noticed, the deep thinkers come online in the wee hours of the morning. sooo, during my bouts of insomnia, i know that ill have some peeps to vibe with. next...for the first time in about 2 weeks, i felt lonely. like i said in my last post, im dealing with it as best as i know how. im doing more so i can have less idle time. ive been celibate for 2 months not by choice and actually, now that i think about it, it hasnt been too bad. i have my times of extreme horniness but thats nothing that a hot shower and homework cant handle. i think i miss companionship most of all. its nice to have someone to just chill with. someone that i can lay beside and watch tv or someone to have a decent conversation with. one day soon...maybe. the woman that i want is out there somewhere....i hope she is thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. i wonder what she smells like....im obsessed with smells. i can remember how most of my exes smelled. those smells always bring back memories. my 1st ex smelled like dark chocolate and cocoa butter. her skin was like dark chocolate but i swear it looked like she was glowing all the time. i loved sitting on my bed when she was getting dressed. i remember the first time she gave me that gap toothed smile...i almost busted my ass going down some steps in some heels. she held my hand and was patient with me. my 3rd ex smelled like a mixture of nag champa and ganja with a splash of coconut. i used to sleep with her locs in my hand, next to my face. for a while after i left her...i couldnt sleep soundly because i didnt have her locs. to see her smile meant a lot to me....her approval meant a lot to me. its like i wanted to be the womyn that she said i could be. i wanted her to be proud of me....not another disappointment. i wonder if i was. my 2nd ex....i dont talk about her much. mainly because i have chosen not to talk to her at all....for reasons i dont quite understand anymore. anyway...she smelled like newports and snuggles fabric softener. i remember when she told me her darkest secret (according to her) and cried while she was laying on my stomach. we were in her truck and "beautiful" by tweet was on repeat. after she told me her secret, she held me like she didnt want to let me go....like i was going to leave her after she told me. i didnt that day, but i did 2 months later. see...not everything i have to say about my exes is negative. they all served their purpose and they all cross my mind occasionally. i know that i wouldnt be the womyn i am, if i hadnt been in those relationships. all of them taught me something....some things positive, other things negative. sometimes i wish i could take traits from all of them and create my muse....lol. aight...i gotta go to class. in a minute....peace and sweet memories....cream out.

dont rush me........new layout...ya like it? its kinda plain looking but thats what i was going for. something plain and simple....pay attention to the words, not the pretty pictures. i added a tagboard again and a couple more links. lemme know what yall think. ok....my sexual frustration hasnt gone away. im just dealing with it....not very well either. im going to start working out again to release some of this tension cuz im ready to flip at any given moment. next...last night i was informed that i am very harsh and outspoken. tell me some shit i dont know....fa real. i know that i tend to say whatever is on my mind at any given time....and i really dont care. im not responsible for hurt feelings. if you are a sensitive mofo...im not for you. i think my 2 weeks of niceness has come to an abrupt end. i dont feel like being pleasant or cordial anymore....maybe its due to the fact that stupidity or whiney ass people have surrounded me for the past 3 days. everywhere i look....there is another mindless person trying to invade my space. for example....im sittin at a table in the cafe...enjoying my veggie omelet and watching the football game that i didnt go to because it was raining and too damn cold....and this man and his wife keep damn staring at me. i gave him the mean mugg...the "what the fuck are u looking at?" look. i know that i look a bit different due to the fro but damn...can i have my damn face back?? at least if you are going to stare...speak or something. then, i go to get a biscuit and there was a group of people in front of me. this chic kept flippin her hair. i think that is sooooo fuckin disgusting...especially when you are around food. shit...be considerate of other people's food. i dont want your damn hair dander in my food bitch!!! you dont see me pickin my hair in the cafe...sendin stray naps flying into people's food....so dammit...keep your hair to yourself. i tell you...the irritablity has come back. people get on my damn nerves. i havent found one person besides myself that i can tolerate for more than a day. a friend of mine shared his good head story with me while i was eating lunch a couple of days ago. smh...why do i want to know how good this chic sucked his penis??? dammit...I DONT. just picturing him and that chic having sex makes me wanna puke. some things ya need to keep to yourself. she talks about giving head and needing a vibrator at the dinner table. ummm....i dont need to know that shit mayn. please feel free to shut the fuck up dammit. ok..that ends my venting session. i told yall...its not easy being me. ok...im officially tired. in a minute...peace and friggin quiet....cream out.

holla holla hollaaaaaaaaa.....i just finished cleaning up my room. the lights are dim....it smells like nag champa and jasmine....my sheets are smellin like lavender....and bilal is serenading me. i wish i had some company coming over...a brown chic with cornrows, locs, or a fro....dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, smellin like black by kenneth cole.....with a bottle of merlot in her hand and something to vibe about. shit....i wish she was comin ova. ohhhhhh...the nasty, freaky things i would do to her. *bitin my fist* well...as you may have noticed...da queen is sexually frustrated. seems like everybody is these days...'cept for hoes. well hell...even hoes are complainin. my conscious doesnt allow me to have sex with people that i dont have feelings for so since i keep comin in contact with sub-par chics and therefore develop no feelings for the heffas....im sittin here alone with a throbbin cooch. im tellin u...when my queen comes in my life...its on and poppin. im talkin bout handcuffs, blindfolds, whips with spiked heels, hair pullin, spankin dat azz type shit. *sigh* i wish she would hurry up and holla at a sista. next....i was looking at some old pics of me and my exes. i looked at most of the pics of my exes like....damn...i cant believe i put so much time and energy in that heffa. out of my 4 exes (yeah mayn...4), i can say that i truly was in love with 2. the other 2 were a mixture of infatuation and lust. anyway....looking at those pics led to memories. memories of what you ask??? take a wild damn guess. lol. some of them put it down.....heffas had me in tears...thats how good it was. *pullin my ears* woooooo saaahhhhhhhhh now...uhhhhhh...not all of them did the damn thing. some were wacker than that damn white tee song. i wonder if they think about the greatness that is my cooch and just the memory of their face all in it...inspires a smile accompanied by a throbbin clit. hmmm...i wonder. i was talking to one of them about 2 days ago and she said she misses it. i bet you dooooooo. im not one to brag but uhhh...i know i got some greatness between my legs. shit...its quality....disease free, smells good, gets all nice and gooshy, tight like a tiger, its not in need of this, and most importantly....its attached to the lovely, talented, intelligent, individual that is cream. oh well....one day ill have some freaky story to tell yall about how me and my girl sexed so much we both lost our voices, pulled muscles, and had so many orgasms that it altered the way we walk. one day. off to the shower....again. in a minute homegirls and homeboys....peace and greatness....cream that needs to cream.....out.

creamella kickabitch......this weekend has been boring. i met some new peeps....thats about it. slowly but surely im drifting away from what i thought was love. there is no doubt in my mind that the feelings i have are those of love but when it comes to hers, im not sure. how can u love someone but disregard their feelings? doesnt make sense to me. my intuition is strong...very strong. its telling me that somethings not right...no matter how i try to shape it or try to make sense of it. when you smell shit....usually...there is shit. so, right now...im chillin...feelin and diggin my damn self. ive come to the conclusion that women just aint ready for me. they are so used to scallywags that they dont know to deal with me....its beyond them. so, ill sit back...chill...continue to reject sub-par chics until i find my queen or my queen finds me...but enjoy myself in the process. next....every since wednesday, my right side has been kickin my ass. its like somebody is punching me in my side. i went to the doctor on thursday *sigh* and that fuckin man didnt tell me shit. he said if it keeps hurting to come back. ummm...how bout fix my shit now...mmmkayyyy. thats why dont like going to doctors....bamas dont know shit. how are you going to test my blood, my piss...push my sides, tell me to touch my toes...cough...all that stupid shit and this bama STILL doesnt know whats wrong with me??? smh. trust...if something ends up being seriously wrong....im gonna consult a lawyer. next....aight...me and Shaydubb Smackabitch have created alter egos. mine is cold blooded creamella kickabitch AKA ice cold creamalicious jones. we smack stupid bitches in a single bound. our goal is to rid the world of demonic bitches. im working on a graphic for our pages so yall can see the craziness that i created. i think of some weird shit sometimes....smh. ummm...what else....i still havent found a job yet. its crazy. im still lookin tho. i have to have money...da queen is expensive. yo...midterms are kickin my ass. instead of studying right now...im doing laundry and writing. i know ill be up all night studying so shit...why not do something that i need to do, plus something that i like to do until i feel like studying??? xavier called me to ask if i had any ?'s about their grad program and if i had gotten the packet they sent. im thinking about going there...seems rather cool. im not sure where i want to go yet. the world is so big and life is so damn short....decisions decisions. aight...thats enough for now. i betta study before i get too sleepy. in a minute.....peace suckas....cold blooded creamella kickabitch....out.

dammit mannnnn......its been a minute...i know. i have been busy doin me...feelin myself as i have been saying. i am slowly evolving into the womyn i want to be. i want to do so much with my life...where to begin?? you only have a limited amount of time on this earth...what will you do with it?? time is of the essence. i want to do have a lot of stories and pictures for my grandchildren. i want to have something for them to be proud of....like, my grandma did the damn thing when she was younger. i dont want to be a wasted being on this earth...doing nothing but existing. its so important to me to LIVE. where to begin???? i dont know...i havent even written down everything. shit, i have barely written here. like i said in the last post...i havent felt like writing. i have been doing more thinking than writing. inner reflection is a helluva sight. i am seeing so much of trials, heartaches, smiles, and happier times that i tend to get teary eyed now and then. i havent told anybody whats really on my mind because really....they're not ready. i dont think they are ready to face my dreams and the reality that i have been shown just by introspection. sometimes i dont think people know im as good as i really am......i was listening to cee-lo aint that line jumped out at me. really, i dont think that people know how much i write and how well i write (when i put forth the effort). i write in this blog, the way that i speak. its not formal....its not grammatically correct....its just me. last year, my writing slacked off because i lost touch with myself in loving someone. i put this on my life....ill never lose touch with myself again. maybe thats why my relationship is a struggle sometimes. im holding on to myself but offering her my hand in the process. its different...fa real. i get so upset with her...but really, my anger comes from my own personal demons that i am dealing with. ok dammit...im tired...in pain...in a minute....peace muddasuckas....cream out.