spring summer feeling.......sometimes....i tend to think too much when i write. i start to wonder if people will understand what im sayin/writin. writing is my therapy...its my release. if i didnt write, id probably be closer to insanity. lately, the words have been flowing quite frequently like water that is released from a dam. there have been plenty of times when i have written in my personal journal and not here because i was worried about how certain people would feel about what i said. well, thats done. im going to write what i want and do what i want because i am grown and this is my blog dammit. lol. last night, i sat down and read some freestyles i had written a year ago. if i say so myself....da queen is mad talented. the stuff i have written lately has been kinda crappy. mainly because i havent been focused. ty says i am my worst critic and i totally agree. i have thrown a bunch of stuff away because i thought it wasnt good....others did but i didnt. im constantly tryin to be better because i know i can be. there is always room for improvement. in a way, im a perfectionist. maybe one day, ill post some of the freestyles. next..that jill scott cd is SOOOOOOO tight. its worth every damn dime yo. i cant wait to go get it tomorrow.....along with a new mouse. my shit is so damn raggedy.....smh. next...now that i have left the past where it is....things seem so peaceful. i feel like im me again...sans the bullshit, the tears, the lies....just me. im finally back to me and dammit it feels nice. on to miss prototype....she's like a breath of fresh country air. last night, we stayed on the phone until 3 am....til we heard each other snorin. conversations flow...they come so easy yo. nothing is forced. its beautiful....to say the least. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

phoenix.....everyday is a struggle....a struggle to maintain my grades so i can graduate in may, a struggle to find a job so i can pay my bills, a struggle not to let my past effect my future, a struggle not to strongly dislike certain peeps from the marrow in my bones.....yall get the picture. today, my obstacle was not letting her upset me. after we talk on the phone or on the computer....i leave the situation upset. i called my best friend tia to vent. i feel soooo much better. i can always call her and i know that she will be there to listen. thats my dawg. anyway...i think the reason why she makes me so angry is because i feel dumb for allowing her to hurt me like she did. i put soooo much into the relationship and she fucked me over. the fact is now i am in a new relationship with the most beautiful womyn i have ever met. miss p is so damn good to me and i need to focus on her and leave the past in the past. its a struggle tho. i have decided to cut some shit that i cant untie. no more....for my sanity and for my future....no more. i have let it burn and now....i have risen from the ashes like a phoenix. i dont wish anything bad on her....but i do know that karma is a bitch and it avenges all wrong. oh....my business idea is still on....just without her. maybe it was meant for me to do it by my gotdamn self *insert ying yang twins voice*. im determined to make it. next....my big brova rocky is going through a similar situation. when she was talking to me, it was like i was talking to myself. i hate to see any of my friends hurt....really there are only a few people that i can stand to see or hear about hurting and those people yo.....i wouldnt piss in their mouths if their hearts were on fire. fuck them with a rusty, anthrax covered machete. i know i sound a bit hostile....but i needed to get that out. *back to the calm, cool, and collected cream* next....the new layout. it was created in less than 20 minutes. i was listening to "if i was a bird" by floetry and it just happened. i actually like this layout more than i have liked the past 3. aight mayn...im going to take a shower and meditate. i need to shake this negative energy off of me. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

serenity.......im back at school. damn yo...this is it....the last year i have to go through this shit. the last time i will leave home to go to wv and leave behind all that is familiar. i rode with miss p here. the whole time we talked about us. i had a good time this summer...even tho i was broke 85% of the time. she has been so good to me since we have been together. before we were official, we had a minor conflict. thats in the past tho. we both have our faults but i believe in her....i believe that she is good for me and im good for her. plus, i know she believes in me and my dreams. oh yeah....i finally got my refund check. its like it doesnt mean shit because she's not here. when people say that money doesnt equal happiness, its the damn truth. everybody has their hands out except her. she has never asked me for anything except for my heart. off topic as hell but....i wish it would rain. it is hotter than a demon pussy in here. thats one thing i will not miss about this school thing. i need ac dammit. now, back to the topic. miss p has decided to go back to school and transfer here in january. so, there has been a change of plans. im cool with it because ill actually have more time to spend with her next semester. this semester is going to be kinda hard. next semester, i only need 2 classes so ill be takin those plus some bullshit to boost my gpa. enough about all that crap....i have been working on my business!!! my partner has been frustrating the fuck out of me. i feel like im doing all the preparing and she isnt doin shit. i know its going to take time but damn yo.....im ready. this shit has been nothing but talk for the past 6 months. im ready to make it happen...fuck talkin. oh yeah....the new layout should be out soon. ive been so damn busy with classes and gettin everything together for school so i havent had time to do shit that i want to do (especially post). i feel myself not talkin about shit so im out. in a minute......peace....cream is soooo damn hot......out.

from a distance..........i havent laughed as much as i laughed last night in a long time. me, miss p, and frannie fresh went to glen allen (right outside of richmond) last night for miss p’s friend’s birthday get together. the ride was cool as hell....it took about 3 hours but we geeked the whole damn way. we are like the 3 stooges. anyway, when we got there, everybody was drunk as hell. they were a trip. me and frannie didnt drink but miss p did. i had on my black coach hat with the purse to match, a black low cut shirt, dark blue capris, and black flip-flops with 4 inch heels. *fannin myself*.....i was cute if i say so myself. the hat was cocked to the side like a pimp. when i stepped in the room, all eyes were on me. it felt good to stunt a little. enough about my cute ass (lmao).....miss p was drunk as hell. she sat on my lap and kept whispering shit to me. this dude named stephon was all in our faces because he had never seen 2 females kiss. we were the only lesbians in the room until the shit was almost over. everytime i kissed her......i would laugh because he was literally all in our damn faces. people were fuckin in the bathroom...smh. it was cool until this wack nigga named jon started talkin about shootin up the room because this girl got smart with him after he threw a shirt in her face. petty negroes...smh. miss p’s friend ti-ti started cryin and shit. it was crazy. after that crazy mofo left, it was cool. there was a girl there that was 5 months pregnant. i rubbed her belly and she said “you know thats bad luck.....you’ll get pregnant if you rub a pregnant woman’s belly.” miss p was laughin. i hope that luck rubs off on me tho. we finally left at about 2 am...when miss p was sober enough to drive. the ride home was peaceful, to say the least. i stayed up the whole way to make sure she wasnt fuckin up when she was drivin. if she had....i would have driven. frannie was sleep in the back sleep after about an hour and me and miss p talked the whole way back. she decided that she wants to move with me. that blew my mind because i honestly thought she was goin to stay here BUT once again, she has proven me wrong. when i get back to school, i have to find an apartment and a job ASAP. i have had my eye on some apartments across the street from where i used to work (hopefully ill be workin there again this year). while im doing that, she’s going to be here, working, saving her money. the week before we sign the lease and everything, she’ll come up and find a job. im tellin you....there are a million and one places to work there. its nothin like va. after all that, she’ll pack up her shit and move to wv. we discussed her decision in depth this morning. she gave me a lot of reasons why she doesnt want to go back to her school or stay here. her school isnt for her for various reasons so we’re going to try to get her transferred to my school by january. there is nothin in body camp that is positive. i think the move will be good for both of us. i am excited and scared at the same time. we have basically lived together here. out of the 7 days of the week....she stays at home for 2 days at the most. we’ve both basically lived on our own because our families dont help us so its not like paying bills and shit is brand new to us. i cant wait until everything is settled amd we are livin in our own shit. btw....i will be having a house warming party when we move in. ill touch on that when we finally move. next.....before we left yesterday, i was thinking (as always). i think its safer for me to love a couple of people in my life, from a distance....especially 1 person in particular. i continue to give her a first class seat in my life when she really need to be in coach. i have tried and tried to be civil because we were close as hell at one point. thats where my loyalty comes in.....one i am down for you, i am down for you until you fuck up. she doesnt appreciate her position and doesnt know how to reciprocate positivity. it has started to make me feel a bit resentful because regardless of what was giong on with me, i was always there for her....always there to listen. if she needed something and i had it, it was hers. i feel like she turned her back on me and thats a violation of the loyalty code. so, instead of giving my time, energy, attention, and positivity repeatedly to someone who abuses it or wont reciprocate it, ive decided that i will love her from a distance. im not cutting her off.....im going to step back from the situation for a while. next....one week until i go back to school. i am not excited at all. the only idea i am excited about is the fact that i am moving into my first apartment. other than that, school is school....blah at its finest. im just waiting on graduation day. this whole week i will be packing the little stuff that i am taking back to school. this time around ive decided to pack light. thats less stuff ill have to move out. aight....im going back to bed. its cloudy as hell.....perfect sleeping weather. in a minute.......peace......cream.....out.

2nd thought.......since i have been home i have been writing in word and then posting it in blogger. earlier today, i wrote an entry and it wasnt positive at all. i wrote about the people that i cut off in some shape, form, or fashion. to put it lightly, it was harsh.....i was talking about rusty, anthrax covered, forks and callin people demonic snakelike cunts. mean huh? after meditating for the first time in about 2 weeks, i decided to write. where to begin.......miss p. we have been cool so far. i have exposed a lot of things about myself that i know i need to work on. the first being the fact that i am scared of being hurt again. i cant let that fear consume me. i am facing it instead of denying the fact that i am scared. we talk almost every night about it. the fear of being hurt has put me in a constant state of “analysis paralysis”.....until now. a part of allowing myself to love her is to let go of this fear. i have a lot of emotional barriers up.....im not going to front. slowly....ill let them down. it feels so different to be courted. she opens doors....she pulls our chairs...she moves me. 2 nights ago, we were laying in my bed talking with all the lights out. for some reason, i reveal things about myself at night when she is holding me. when she holds me, i feel so safe but so damn vulnerable at the same time. she is going to tell me what she is going to do regarding either staying here, going back to school, or coming with me...sometime tomorrow. im going to be supportive no matter what her decision is but i am going to miss her a lot if she decides to either stay here or go back to school. the idea of establishing ourselves by ourselves, moves me. everything in its time tho. if the most high sees fit, it will happen. ok...on to the cutting off people situation. first of all, i am very cautious about who i allow in my space. people are grimey...thats a fact of life. i didnt say all people....i have interacted with some beautiful people and i have interacted with some grimey people. all i did was evaluate the so-called friendships that i had with the people that i cut off. they were like ticks....sucking the positive energy from me. if i felt like conversing with them was a task or interacting with them was like pulling teeth, i cut them off. no need faking that i wanted those people in my space when i didnt. all of my friends are different. actually, they are even from different parts of the country. they all bring a unique energy to my mental table. i learn from all of them and i hope they learn from me. if i have never said it.....im saying that i love all of you dearly. thank you for being you. next...i might be going to richmond tomorrow. i hope i do because i need a change of scenery. anyway...thats enough for now. in a minute.....cream, the virginia belle.....out.

soul assurance............i’m in a negative mood.....very negative....like the next muhfucka that irritates me is gonna get cussed the fuck out. maybe because its hot.....hotter than the devil’s draws outside. hot weather pisses me off. i’m a winter baby....there is nothing like bunnin in the winter. moving on.....i have 2 weeks until i go back to school. i’m not really excited this time. it’s my last year....but i actually had fun this summer. i might be getting my own apartment...depends on a few things. i really want to have my own place but if miss prototype isnt comin, ill tough it out until i graduate. next.....sharks. i guess since its summertime and the weather is warm....sharks are out. i dont know how many damn times i have said that gettin bit bothers the fuck out of me....but im sayin it again dammit. people that lack individuality bother me. i see the shit everyday.....from the way i dress to the way i talk. damn shame. someone had the nerve to say “cream, you’re weird.” nah dammit, everybody else is weird, im cool. i do me and only me constantly. its cream everyday. its not cool to be like everyone else. its not cool to take someone’s ideas, style, etc. and perp like its your own. just like i do me, you should do you. it freaks me the fuck out to see someone blatantly bite the fuck out of me.....like im not gonna notice. whateverrrrrrr....fuck you and the cooch you came from. i see you tryin to do me....uhhhh huh.....i see ya bitch.....with a chunk of my ass in ya mouth. real recognize real so.....bite bitch bite. ill continue shinin and son’n yall asses. moving on.....im focused on this business idea. i have so many plans for it....so much shit that i want to do and make. i was talking to miss prototype (miss p) last night about kids. right now, my business is my baby. after i get everything together with my business, im having a baby. i know i have wrote about having kids for a long time but yo....ive have never been so serious about it until now. in the next 2 years, im birthing a child, a business, and a career. miss p is really excited about it. thats one of the many things i like about her. we dream together and we are working to make those dreams come true. we sat in her car during a thunderstorm on sunday (it was pouring down raining) and we talked about everything from our dreams to our hesitation to open our hearts to each other. that was one of the best conversations we have had. ive come to the conclusion that me holding on to everything that happened in the past, especially me being hurt, is going to keep me from happiness. i refuse to be unhappy. fuck that. i deserve happiness. so, im doing my best to let all that negative shit go. its time for me to be happy. aight thats enough for now.....in a minute.....cream the womyn, the myth, the legendary individual......out.